Page 93 of In This Iron Ground
Damien muted the phone, putting it face down on the floor.
There was something wrong with his chest. He rubbed his wrists. He could feel them ache.
He was sinking. It was a familiar place. The nothingness.
Damien jumped. It was a knock on the door. There was somebody there. He couldn’t let anybody see him like this.
He covered his mouth with his hand like he used to do to keep quiet at night, before. Before the ropes started.
“Damien? Damien, it’s me. Can you open the door?” It was Hakan. His voice sounded strained. Damien blinked. Hakan could probably smell his terror from a block away.
Damien crawled from under the table. Hakan couldn’t see him like this, so pathetic. He opened the door.
Hakan. Damien’s body swayed, not knowing if it wanted to go forwards or backwards. The decision was made for him. Hakan stepped forwards, wrapping Damien in his arms.
In that exact moment, everything broke.
A shredded sob heaved out of Damien. Everything was flayed open by Hakan’s presence. At its core, that was love. It was an automatic lowering of defences, whether you wanted it or not.
Damien didn’t have it in him to protest as Hakan scooped him up, closing the door and heading towards Damien’s bed. Damien clung to him even as they lay on the bed. He pressed himself against the familiar body, his face buried in Hakan’s neck.
Damien cried like a child, with his chest and belly. Full, choking sobs that left his mouth pasty, his nose clogged. It was a deluge of swamp water ransacking the land, a burst of festering liquid that had been kept to curdle for far too long.
Damien could do nothing to stop it.
God, he was sick of this. He was tired.
He was so, so tired.
Hakan was wrapped around him when Damien finally surfaced. He was running his fingers through Damien’s hair, rubbing his back. Damien’s chest would hitch periodically, breath stuttering, but Hakan didn’t shush him. He just held Damien, an anchor in the hard earth.
“Sorry,” Damien finally said, sighing with exhaustion.
“It’s okay, Damien.”
The collar of Hakan’s jacket was wet with tears and snot. “You should—” Hakan let Damien take off his jacket before they lay back down.
Hakan ran his thumb across the damp skin under Damien’s eyes. Damien closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again.
“What happened?” Hakan asked softly. Damien looked down at the space between them. He tried to smile.
“It was nothing,” he said. Hakan frowned. “Seriously, Hakan. It was so stupid.”
“Okay. I get you might think it was stupid. But…can you tell me anyway?”
Damien hesitated. He picked at the material of Hakan’s shirt as they lay on their sides, facing each other.
“It was…honestly, it was nothing. I was…I was with someone, you know…” he trailed away. Hakan tensed against him.
“Did they…Damien, did they—”
“No! No, it wasn’t like that. They didn’t like, force me. See, I told you it was stupid. It’snothing.”
“Okay, but, just…”
“Look, we were, you know, and he just tied my wrists to the headboard without me noticing. I thought he was just holding me, I don’t know. He was trying to be playful and I just totally freaked out, but it was nothing,” Damien babbled. “Honestly, he tried to untie me straightaway.”
There was a moment of silence.
