Page 31 of Sicken of the Calm
I float.
Distantly, I feel him clean meup. Feel the softness of fresh underwear slide up and on me. Feel the handcarding through my hair, the kisses on my temple, the bridge of my nose, myclosed eyes. I roll into the warmth of him, a quiet cave but for a single echo,God, you’re perfect. You’re so good.
Everything else disappears.
**********
The world feels like acracked-open fruit, revealing the ripe pulp inside. Sweet and tangy and giving,I feel myself biting in with abandon. The juice of it makes everything I dotaste a little better, makes my feet a little lighter, my shoulders looser. Ifeel free, but not untethered.
Even Moore seems to notice,giving me one of his rare open smiles and saying, “Man, you look like you couldtake on the world,” and that’s exactly what it feels like.
Iva was right – everything hasfelt better after our talk, and every sexual experience after it has onlyseemed to solidify the connection between Ezra and me. I know it isn’tpermanent, but the fact that my relationship with Ezra has an expiration datedoesn’t make it any less real in the moment. I can’t deny that there aremoments, at that witching hour late at night, when I can get caught in thewhirlpool of what ifs and whys and why-nots, about that severing moment thatwill come between us, and what it will mean for me. I try to think, I’mtwenty fucking years old.Who finds their partner that young now,really?But the thought is an empty vessel. I can’t logic myself out ofwhat I’m feeling, so I stop trying and just attempt to think no farther than theday to come.
That sweet-pulp of tomorrow isalways good enough to distract.
CHAPTER SIX
Ezra’s words are ringing in myhead as I kneel, completely naked, on my bed.
Finger yourself every day fora week. Next Wednesday you can finish with this if you think you’re ready.Don’t worry about coming. Just…explore. I want you to know yourself – what youlike. Call me after, on Wednesday, ok?
He’d said it all in an even toneas the bastard watched me unwrap the toy he had bought me for the occasion. Ihad felt my face heat as I frowned furiously, staring incredulously at thegift. In all fairness, it had been on the list of “yeses” discussed some weeksbefore, but Ezra’s proactiveness continued to surprise me.
The toy was, in my inexperiencedopinion, weirdly shaped. I had stared at it dumbly for a few seconds beforeEzra had walked me through the purpose of each bit, and his thinking forchoosing the model. As embarrassing as it was, the explanation was oddlycalming.
Ezra had taken the toy out of thebox, positioning it with the thickest bit pointing up. The toy was kind ofshaped like the strangest, upside-down T you could imagine, the vertical linethe main, thick toy, and the horizontal line shaped more like a thin S.
He had started at the bottom,tapping the hard plastic of the laid-back S, pointing at the curve pointingupwards, which ended in a hard, little ball.
“Imagine you’re squatting,”already my blush deepened, “And the main bit is inside you. This little ballwill press against your perineum. This bit,” he traced the other, downwardscurve of the S, “Will press against your ass, and it’ll help hold it in place,see?” He had looked at me then and I had nodded dumbly, even though I didn’thave the mental capacity in that moment to imagine what he was saying.
“Now, the main bit here,” hestroked what looked most like a short dildo, starting off a little thinner andthen bulging into two subtle bulbs, like peas in a pod, before ending with arounded tip. “Obviously, this is what goes inside you. It doesn’t vibrate, butonce it’s in place you can remove your hands and just use your inner muscle tomassage yourself – your prostate. I chose a softer version, it’s a littlepadded with silicone, so it won’t be overwhelming. Here,” he’d given me a second,larger bag, which I had opened with equal amounts of anticipation andtrepidation. Inside, to my surprise, were a series of pillows; one large,square one, and a series of smaller, rectangular ones.
“On Wednesday, start on the bedand finger yourself open for as long as you want. Get yourself hard, but don’tcome. When you’re ready, kneel by the bed, on the big pillow – it has thisrough side here so it won’t slip easy…” He’d proceeded to go, position byposition, instructing me on exactly what to do and how to do it. By the end, Ihad been half-hard, and it wasn’t even just the images he was conjuring – itwas the steady, casual tone of his voice, the focused look in his eyes. He’dthought about it, step-by-step, for me. And not just my pleasure, I thought asI traced the edge of a pillow, but my comfort, too.
“And use plenty of lube. Sounddoable?” he had finally asked.
“Yeah,” I’d said, voice rough andlow.
Now, Wednesday night has found meon my knees with three fingers in my ass. I had gotten good at finding my prostateduring the week, the whole process going from frustrating to a fuckingrevelation. My initial weariness of the toy had transformed into eageranticipation, and the wait had only made it sweeter.
I’m breathing a little harshly asI finally remove my fingers. My dick is hard but I haven’t pushed myself closeto the edge, wanting to see how far the toy can take me. I give myself a momentbefore sliding off the bed, my knees hitting the square pillow softly, facingthe bed. The toy, washed and ready, is resting innocently on the duvet. I pickit up, along with the bottle of lube, and use my already wet fingers to spreadthe dripped-on lube around liberally. For a moment, I concentrate on the feelof the smooth slide of my fingers against the black silicone, imagining how itwill feel inside me.
I can feel my heart pounding inmy chest with excitement.
When I finish coating the toy, Itake a deep breath. I close my eyes for a moment and see Ezra’s face, hisintent eyes, and it centres me.
I kneel up and lean forward onthe bed. Slowly, I reach behind and under me with the toy until the roundedhead is against my rim. I tease myself for a few seconds, just as Ezra woulddo, feeling the electricity of the moment build, before pushing in. It’s animmediate stretch, and my confidence falters, but just for a moment.
Ezra told me to, so I can do it.
I push it in further. Thepain-not-pain ache is back, but I’ve stretched myself well, and it’s morefilling than anything. The thickest part is in and my hole clenches around thesubtle dip before the next bulge. Eagerness returning, I continue pushing, thetoy widening slightly again, but not as large as the tip. Suddenly, it’s in,the rest of it sliding until the curved S of the handle hits my skin. Just asEzra promised, one end of the S pushes the small ball into my perineum, whilstthe rounded curve of other side rests against my crack.
I give myself a moment to justfeel it inside me. It feels strange, full, good. I can’t help but clench andunclench, feeling the shape and width of it. The thought, the image of thisbeing Ezra I’m feeling inside is a sudden shock of electricity through my bodyand I hang my head, a shiver of pleasure going through me.
When I feel accustomed to thetoy, I reach back again, shifting it subtly around until – fuck. There. Myinner walls clench as the head rubs against my prostate. It’s not the sudden, be-all,end-all button that some people think it is, but it sends a definite pulse ofpleasure deep inside me that I know is only going to build.
I’m afraid that my shifting isgoing to dislodge it, but it holds true, even when I remove my hand, and nowthe S-shape is making a lot of sense.
