Page 28 of Sicken of the Calm
“Um…I don’t know,” I say,starting to get a little overwhelmed. Ezra nods.
“Ok, there’s more, but I thinkwe’ve talked enough for now? We can use the stuff we have and talk more whenwe’re ready, or want to.”
“Yeah,” I say, relieved.
“Ok. Is there anything that Ihaven’t mentioned that you really want to try, or really don’t?” he asks. Igive myself a moment to think about it, but nothing comes to mind.
“Not really,” I say, shaking myhead.
“Ok. If you think of anything,try to tell me,” he says. I nod my head. “I know I literally just said wewouldn’t talk anymore, but there are a few things we should really talk about,for safety’s sake. The first is safewords. People usually use a green for go, yellowfor pause, and red for stop completely and end the scene. Does that soundgood?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok. I have to stress –obviously, I’ll try to take care of you the best I can, but I can’t read yourmind. Ineedyou to tell me if I’m doing something wrong. You don’t havemy consent to use me to actually hurt you, ok?” he says seriously.
The truth is, sometimes it does feellike he’s reading my mind, but he’s right. I can’t put all the responsibilityon him. I nod.
“Yeah. I understand.”
“Ok. The other thing is sub-drop.Do you know what that is?”
“Um…”
“It’s something that can happento subs after a scene, when they don’t, like, come down properly. I mean, a lotcan happen to your body during a scene – biologically, I mean, with theadrenaline and hormones and neurotransmitters and shit. It’s a bit of a high,and if you don’t level-out gradually, you can drop, and you can feel a littlelike you have a cold, in the sense of being tired and lethargic and like…justfeeling generally crappy. More importantly, you can feel crap emotionally –mood swings, being more easily irritated or upset, feeling rejection morekeenly, stuff like that. I need you to read up on it, ok? You don’t have toworry about the whole levelling out thing, that’s my job. Just let me take careof you after a scene. I know it’s hard because a lot of the time, when we’refeeling like shit emotionally and even when we know why, we can start blamingourselves, but I need you to tell me if you feel like that the hours or days aftera scene. Can you do that?” he says. He looks, if not stern, then definitelyintense.
I pause, thinking about it, aboutfeeling sad and lonely and rejected, like I did after thinking I’d seen Ezrawith someone else. The truth is, confessing to feeling like that would beharder than stopping him in the middle of a scene.
“I can try,” I tell him honestly.He looks a little pained at my response.
“I really need you to try.”
“I will, Ezra. Promise,” I say.Eventually, he nods, leaning back in his seat.
“Ok. Well, I think we’ve coveredall the important bits. Obviously, we can talk about this whenever, but, atleast we have a bit of a roadmap now, yeah?”
“Yeah. But…” I pause, and helooks at me expectantly. “I don’t want to talk about this every time we’regoing to do something. Like…I would prefer it if you planned the stuff. Ipromise to say if I don’t like it, but…yeah,” I say. Ezra smiles as if he’s notsurprised.
“Ok, I get it. If we wantsomething we haven’t talked about, we can bring it up. If not, I’ll take thereins. I’ll always tell you if I’m thinking of introducing something that’s noton this list. Sound good?”
“Yeah,” I say, relieved.
“Good.” He closes the pad,placing it carefully on the table, the pen resting innocently on top, beforeleaning down and pulling out a piece of paper from his bag.
“I, um, got tested. I guess wedidn’t talk about condoms but, yeah.” He hands it over and I take it, glancingover the clean results. I get up from my chair and go over to my bedside table,pulling a similar sheet out. When I turn back around Ezra looks a little drawn,small, vulnerable. I pause for a moment, a little bewildered, but the second hesees the second sheet in my hands his expression clears.
I walk over to him, handing himboth. He looks over mine, before giving it back.
“Cool,” he says, a slight blushon his cheeks. I wonder what he’s thinking about. If he’s thinking about thesame things I am.
I put my test results back andthen stand a little awkwardly in the middle of my room. Ezra looks at me, hissmile growing.
“Do you want something else?” heasks, more confident now. I frown at him. I’m not sure if I like his penchantfor making me ask for what I want. He laughs slightly, shaking his head.
“Yeah, yeah, ok, big guy, I getit. Enough talking.” He gets up, and as soon as he reaches me, wraps his armsaround my neck, kissing me. I’m pleasantly surprised at the lack of teasing,although I know there’s more of that to come. I wind my arms around his middle,pulling him closer.
The kiss is slow, almost sweet, ajuxtaposition of the conversation we’ve just had. He pushes me back until we’reboth laying on the bed, him on top of me, his knees on either side of my hips.I try pulling him down but he resists, keeping his body mostly off mine. I openmy mouth to him, but, just like with his body, he doesn’t follow my lead,keeping the kiss slow and languid. One of his hands moves to my hair,scratching my head lightly. He lets my hands wander over his body, onlycorrecting me to keep them above his waist. He leaves my mouth for a moment butdoesn’t go far, placing a kiss on the corner of my lips, to my nose, to mychin, before returning. I realize that this is all that’s on the menu tonight,and it feels surprisingly exciting, to just make out with Ezra on my bed. Ifeel the tension the conversation inspired drain out of me, leaving nothing butclear water behind.
I lose track of time, minutesstretched full of soft kisses and soft touches. My mind is the pleasant kind ofblank, filled just with Ezra. We’re kissing for so long that my lips get alittle sore, his wet and red, and I like that, too.
