Page 29 of Sicken of the Calm
When we eventually part, I’m noteven hard. I’m almost sleepy, and I wish that I could pull Ezra beside me andjust rest for a while.
Still, I’m grateful for what Ihave.
**********
Amidst the heat and the bodiesand the thrumming bass, we move in an ancient beat to a modern song. The edgesof Ezra’s hair are plastered to his forehead and the nape of his neck; sweatglistening at the edge of Iva’s exposed collarbones, dampening the small of myback. We’re completely lost in it, disintegrated into atoms in waves, one pulsefollowed by another, and another, and another. It’s the kind of music thatwould be slow and seductive if it weren’t for the drop, and I want to close myeyes and just feel it for a while.
The waves wash over me.
When I open my eyes again Ezra islooking at me like he could rip me apart and devour me in a way that would lethim savour every piece. The rush that goes through me mixes with the music,magnified, and I pull him closer. He goes easily, a sharp, dazzling smile onhis face. I take hold of his slimmer hips and move them slowly to my beat untilwe are one single organism moving to the same force. I kiss him to make hislips my lips, his skin my skin, his racing pulse mine.
Out of all the things I couldfeel in this moment, what I feel is safe.
The kiss is as slow as themovement of our bodies, charging the potential of the chemical energy betweenus, a seeming moment away from igniting. The thermal burst is kept at bay byEzra’s hand in my hair, pulling it just enough to make me strain to kiss him.
“Fuck,” he says as we disengage,and I swallow the shape and the feel and the taste of the word.
Ezra takes a step away and Iglance at Iva. She catches me and gives me a teasing grin, fanning herself withher hand.
“Madre de Dios bendita,” shemouths at me, putting her palms together in front of her and looking up. If Ididn’t know her, I’d think she was praying over my soul, but I’m familiar withher antics; she’s just thanking her good fortune for the show.
I shove her lightly and shelaughs. We had a few drinks at her place before going out, giving me time toconfirm that I’d kept my promise to talk to Ezra. She hadn’t even pressed fordetails beyond the conclusion and had frowned a little when I explained our“exclusive friends with benefits” arrangement, but hadn’t commented. I decidedto try and not overthink the details of the arrangement and simply enjoysomething for once, even if that particular promise was easier said than done.
Now, ensconced in our trifecta onthe dance floor, the worries are miles away. Even when we leave the club andhang around outside, talking to Ezra’s friends, I feel the aftermath of thatsafe and beating place. I don’t worry if I’m not talking enough or if I’m beingboring. Ezra stands beside me like a shield to the world, including me in theconversation, his body turned toward me even when other people are talking, hiseyes often drifting to mine. It’s an odd and exhilarating feeling, to be thecentre of somebody’s attention by the virtue of simply existing close to them.It’s a warm glow in the chilly October air.
When the night finally sizzlesout, we walk Iva to her apartment. She’s a little drunker than us, making uslaugh when she responds to a passinghey, baby, where you from?byjumping up in heels on a cement bench and screaming,I am Boricua!,armsoutstretched as if asserting it to God. Ezra helps her down, laughing at thelook on the guy’s face.
“I think I love you,” he says,and Iva laughs, flipping her long, curly hair over her shoulder.
“Who doesn’t?”
Normally I’d crash with Iva aftera night out, or at least hang out for a while. We’d collapse onto her bed tore-watch a few episodes of something likeThe Gay and Wondrous Life of CalebGallobefore devolving into watching clips of Japanese gameshows on youtubeuntil Iva’s makeup smudges completely from laughing so hard. This time though,she doesn’t pause as we reach her door.
“Ah, my valiant escorts, we havereached our destination. Though parting is such sweet sorrow, I must bid youadieu, for the mattress I call my one true love awaits me! Do not weep, for weshall see each other again on the morrow,” she proclaims dramatically in aterrible English accent. She hugs us goodnight as we laugh and then waves at usas she unlocks her door.
“Have fun, boys,” she says with awink before the door closes, returned to her usual salacious self.
Suddenly, it’s just me and Ezraand the night.
“Yours?” he says, and I nod.
The walk there is silent andthrumming. I feel like a leaf floating on a river, helpless but undisturbed bythe multitude of forces around me. Despite the rushing of the water and thewind, and the sediment below me, my path is simple in its inevitability.
By the time we reach mine there’sonly a buzzing left from the alcohol. The rest of this feeling, theeffervescence deep inside, comes from Ezra; the look in his eyes, bottomlessand dark.
The sound of the shutting doorsets my pulse racing. I haven’t thought to turn on the light, and thestreetlight darkness falls over us. For a moment, Ezra looks like he’s capturedin an old, black-and-white photograph, a sentinel caught in the intimacy of myroom. He shifts, and the spell is broken. The dim light from outside catcheshis eyes, his curved lip, the hunter intent on his face. I open my mouthbecause I want to make a sound likepleasebut nothing comes out. Hestops mere inches from me.
“Undress,” he says, and I do. Myhands are shaking as I pull my shirt up from the back of my neck, unbuttoningmy jeans and yanking them down. He’s so close that my hands and arms brushagainst him. It sends a shiver through me, to have him there just watching meobey his command.
When I finish, I stand there,naked in the glowing darkness. He looks at me. I can feel his eyes on my skineven though I can’t quite see them. I’m embarrassed, exposed, and it’s onlymaking me harder. I want him to touch me, but I know the way to get that is tostay silent and still.
“You are so fucking beautiful,”he says. His voice is as dark and intent as the air around him, and the wordssend a current of sharp-edged pleasure through me. His hand lifts and he trailshis fingers against my stomach, up to the hair on my chest, to my nipples. Hereaches my neck and his hand wraps around and tightens. Instinctively, I try totake a deep breath and the fact that it’s a little constrained makes my pulsethrum even faster, makes precum drip from my cock. He takes a step closer, hisclothed body pressing against me, against my erection, and I moan. The soundgets swallowed by him, by his hot and eager mouth. It’s all lips and teethuntil it’s tongue, sweeping into me, ransacking. He forces the tilt of my headwith a hand in my hair and plunges deeper. I’m trying to keep up with the kissbut I’m dizzy with him, with the feel of his clothes against my sensitive skin,with the onslaught of sensation shrouded in darkness.
He pushes me back until I’m onthe bed, back against the mattress, exposed to the elements and him.
“Leave your hands here,” he says,voice rough and guttural as he shoves my hands under the pillow above my head,and then his teeth are on me. His feral mouth goes from my lips to my neck, tomy nipples, to the bones of my hip, down to my thighs and latches there; givingme a hickey that has me writhing on the bed. He pins me down ruthlessly andthen his mouth is on my cock, swallowing me whole. Despite my promise the otherday on the phone to ‘be good’, I arch immediately off the bed, a cry startledfrom my throat. Ezra’s restraining hands stop me from choking him, even as hesets a merciless pace. I can’t catch my breath. His mouth is hot and wet,tightening on the up-slide, licking at the slit, before going down again. Ithink I might be praying,oh God oh God, my hands clutching at thepillow they’re under, the spike of pleasure so sudden that it makes my thighstremble.
Suddenly, the long strokes of hismouth stop in favour of sucking on the tip. He tilts his head so that he canrub the underside of it harshly with his tongue without pushing me into histeeth, instead rubbing on the roof of his mouth. I’m making sounds I can’tquite believe are coming from me, desperate and broken and pleading with Ezra.
