Page 35 of The Virgin
Would the secret that he and Jonah shared jeopardize the dynamic? Not for anyone else but himself, Spencer realized. Jonah would always have a place here, but if things went south between them, Spencer would lose all this. He’d lose the comfort and the friendship of all the people here. They loved Jonah. He was part of the glue that held everyone together.
It was Spencer who was expendable. Replaceable.His own parents had ceased any interest in him the minute they learned he’d never continue the family line. The minute he came out of the closet, that had been the end of their relationship. They hadn’t even tried to understand. His only saving grace was that he’d seen it coming. He’d always doubted they’d accept him, but he’d hoped. It had been stupid to hope.
It was part of the reason Spencer loved how close Jonah was to his family. Being around the Bennetts made Spencer feel like he was part of a family again. Sometimes he missed his own, even though he doubted they shared the sentiment.
Spencer’s appetite died, and he spent the next few minutes pushing the food around his plate, making it look like he was eating.
Jonah gently nudged his arm, earning him a glance from Spencer.
“You okay?” Jonah’s face was the picture of concern.
Spencer managed a nod, even though he was anything but okay. He hoped he could keep this thing between him and Jonah from exploding. Jonah hadn’t been in it for feelings or a relationship. He’d been scared off the whole dating thing, and Spencer, stupid as he was sometimes, thought he could be with Jonah and not love him. That he could kiss him and show him what pleasure was supposed to be like without handing over his heart in the process.
He knew he was being stupid. That barring hurting Jonah, something he’d never do, Spencer wouldn’t lose anyone. But he couldn’t stop himself from dreading what would happen when they stopped being intimate. When Jonah decided he’d learned enough and was ready to put himself out there again. He wasn’t a virgin anymore, and every moment after they’d slept together was one more moment closer to the inevitable one when Jonah would drop the ax.
He’d thank Spencer. Politely, as friends do, and he’d see someone else, and Spencer’s insides turned to cold steel at that thought. Jonah wasn’t a mistake, and Spencer wouldn’t make a different decision if he could go back in time. He wanted his friend to be happy. To be safe. And if he had to sacrifice a piece of himself to make that happen, it was a small price to pay.
Spencer had gotten over other hurts before. He’d get over this one too, though it had been a while since he’d put himself in a position to be hurt. Not since his college boyfriend had he been so heavily invested in someone else. But now those wounds were nothing more than tiny papercuts. This hurt would be a gunshot wound in comparison.
But he was getting ahead of himself. Jonah hadn’t given him the parting speech yet, and Spencer would hoard every moment between now and then. He’d save them like treasures, and he’d go on with his life as Jonah would do the same. They’d go back to being friends who didn’t kiss, and Spencer would be okay with that.
He had to be.
CHAPTER 19
JONAH
The best partabout the big family dinners Jonah’s dad still insisted on having was the bonfire. Everyone sat around on the deck until the sun started to dip low in the sky, and then they moved to the fire pit. Colby and Taylor argued over how to start the fire. No one trusted Colby to do it ever since the gasoline incident three years ago.
Tonight the bonfire was especially enjoyable because Jonah sat right next to Spencer. Being around him but not being able to touch him was torture. Jonah barely let himself glance at Spencer for fear of looking at him too much and giving away how much he cared about him, or the truth about what they were doing.
It wasn’t like Spencer was a dirty secret. But hewasa secret. Not because Jonah was ashamed or scared of what people would think. Truthfully, Jonah didn’t care about any of that. Everyone knew he was gay. It had never been a secret. But Jonah found comfort in the secrecy of this relationship. He liked having Spencer all to himself, and that feeling was what made him light inside. Like he was one of those paper lanterns, floating up to join the stars.
More than anything, though, Jonah wanted to curl up in Spencer’s lap and be able to have that feeling here, in this moment, surrounded by all the people who were most important to him.
Damon returned from the house with two travel mugs and handed one to Jonah.
“Hot chocolate.” Damon said. “Figured I’d make you one while I helped myself.”
“Thanks.” Jonah’s dad knew Damon didn’t drink and he made sure to always have a wide variety of non-alcoholic beverages for people. Damon learned a long time ago to help himself to whatever he wanted. Jonah took a sip of the hot chocolate, which should’ve been strange to drink on a late-spring night. Cocoa was generally a winter kind of drink, but Jonah supposed that it was silly to assign drinks to specific months and never enjoy them otherwise.
Colby got up and disappeared into the house, and when he returned he had their dad’s old beat-up acoustic with him.
“Play us a song, old man.” Colby handed the guitar over to their dad, who took a moment to tune it, plucking strings and turning the tuning pegs until the pitch was perfect.
All the brothers could strum at least a couple of rusty tunes on the guitar, but they all preferred to listen to their dad play. Growing up, between keeping the diner going and the three kids alive, their dad didn’t have a lot of time or money, so entertainment had to come cheap.
The guitar was an old Yamaha that their dad had owned as long as they’d been alive. It was a run-of-the-mill, standard-issue acoustic with pale wood and a cheap case. Both items were battered and scuffed, but they were well loved. Just like Jonah and his brothers.
The opening notes of “Have You Ever Seen the Rain?” swelled up and their dad sang the words with his raspy voice. Creedence Clearwater Revival had been a staple in their house growing up. Though their dad wasn’t quite as good as John Fogerty, he could hold his own. When he finished that song and started to play “Bad Moon Rising,” Colby and Taylor started to sing along. Every so often, Jonah would hear a few words warble his way from Spencer’s direction. Neither he nor Spencer were big singers. Jonah for good reason—he couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. Spencer, however, had an amazing voice. It was deep and gravelly and so soulful that it nearly took Jonah’s breath away.
Sparks danced up toward the sky, flickering out one by one. Jonah could almost fall asleep like this. He was more at peace in that moment than he’d been in weeks. Years. Maybe ever.
He had Spencer to thank for that. It wasn’t that sex had changed everything in his life, but it had settled something inside him. The insidious voice that had whispered in his ear, growing louder over the years, telling him that he wasn’t worthy, wasn’t deserving, wasn’t wanted or important, had gone quiet. Mostly. Sometimes it still tried to whisper things to him, but then Spencer would look at him, or he’d remember how incredible it was when Spencer touched him, and the voice would go quiet again.
He wanted Spencer for more than sex. More than a gentle sex education. He wanted him for dates and dinners and companionship that was more than two friends hanging out. A log snapped and cracked in the fire and sparks shot up like a firework, and Jonah realized at that exact moment he was irreversibly in love with Spencer.
Jonah didn’t know if Spencer would ever care about him like that, and there was no way he would ask. He’d already been a burden of sorts to his friend, using him to learn things about his body and the pleasure it was capable of feeling, and he couldn’t keep doing this without falling deeper and deeper in love. He also didn’t know how to stop, because he didn’t want to.
