Page 107 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
I pause before answering as I reach into my backpack for what I brought him.
Jamal smiles as I pull out a bottle of the “couples” cologne that the mall kiosk lady had originally offered Jamal.
“Took me forever to find this scent, but I figured... if we’re gonna have matching cologne, we might as well use the right kind, right?”
“Is this your way of asking me out?” Jamal laughs.
“Yeah,” I say with a nervous smile. This was so much smoother in my head. “I still love you, Jamal.”
“I still love you, too,” Jamal says, but his smile fades, and I can’t read his expression anymore. “But I don’t know. I have a lot of questions.”
“Like what?”
“Are you asking because you’re manic? You just got out of the hospital, so I don’t want to move too fast. I don’t know if we’re ready yet.”
I think on that for a second. It’s hard to tell if I’m manic or not sometimes, but if Jamal thinks I am, then I don’t want to seemlike I’m being impulsive. “I can be patient,” I finally say. “I don’t always have the right answers, but I want to prove myself to you. We can wait until we’re both sure.”
Jamal brings a tender hand toward a bruise on my cheek. I almost think he’s gonna pull me in for a kiss when he just says, “Question.”
“Yeah?” I answer breathlessly.
“Why did you do that?” he asks, sad eyes moving from the bruise on my cheek to a cut on my chin.
“Do what?” He could be talking about anything. Why did I write a manic manifesto about suicide? Why did I show up in his neighborhood that night? Why did I just ask him out?
“Why did you keep antagonizing Nick? Avery and I had it handled. They were going to leave you alone before you hit him.”
Oh. That. “They tried to kill me!” I say defensively, even though that part was exactly what I wanted. “They could have tried to kill you, too. I wasn’t about to let that happen.”
“Theycouldhave killed you!” Jamal’s frustrated tone confuses me.
“I would do anything to protect you, Jamal. That’s why I hurt you in the first place. I know I was misguided, and it was wrong, but I was trying to protect you. And I wanted to protect you from them, too. It didn’t matter if they’d kill me for it. I would die for you,” I say, and I mean it.
Jamal touches my cheek again, gently rubbing his thumb along the bruise. “I’d rather you live for me.”
I put my hand over his and close my eyes. That would be easier said than done. But if I want to prove myself to Jamal, I can’t exactly go dying on him. And as long as Jamal’s there to call meat seven o’clock, I can take it one day at a time. “I can do that,” I finally say.
“Promise?” He holds out his pinky.
I nod, and I really mean it. “You’re worth living for, Jamal. I promise.”
I take his pinky in mine.
40
When You Chip Away the Worst Parts to Make Something Beautiful
Rehabilitation
I haven’t had one-on-one therapy with Dr. Lee since before going to the hospital, but I’m actually kind of eager for it. She gives me a surprisingly regular-sized smile when I sit on the couch across from her. Since I actually know what I want to talk about today, I just jump into it.
“Do you think I’m capable of being in a healthy relationship?” I almost don’t want to hear the answer, but I’m also desperate for professional confirmation.
“Are you capable of it? Of course,” she says as she writes something in her notepad. “Whether you’re ready for it is another question entirely, and one only you can answer.”
I sigh, trying my best not to roll my eyes. “I get that you’re trying to be all cryptic and therapist-y, but can you at least tell mehowto answer the question for myself?”
Micro smile. “Healthy relationships take a lot of work, both on yourself and with your partner. If you’re willing to work on the things that have hurt you and your partner in the past, I think that’s a great sign.”
