Page 108 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
“I am,” I reassure her. “I know it’s not gonna be a quick fix, but I want to try at least. I promised Jamal I’d live for him. That’s something, right?”
Even after knowing her all this time, the expression Dr. Lee gives at that is too micro for me to decipher. “For now, if that’s what you need to make it to the next day, that’s a good thing.”
“What do you mean for now?” I ask. I kind of thought I had hacked the whole suicidal ideation thing with that promise. As long as I have Jamal, I can make it another day. Why would that be only good for now?
“Well, it’s a promising first step,” she says. “I’d love to see you get to a point where it doesn’t take an external force to give you the will to live. But like I said, for now, anything to keep you going another day is a good sign in my book.”
I frown. “You’re telling me you don’t live for any external reasons? You just live... because youwantto?”
She nods. “I’m not saying life doesn’t get hard for all of us, but having to search for an external reason to live isn’t something your average person struggles with.”
“I don’t know, that sounds fake.”
Micro smile. “What I mean to say is that life is a lot less painful when you live for the things that make you happy, instead of living to keep someone else from grieving. When you live only to avoid the grief of people you love, you end up shouldering all that grief on your own, mourning yourself while you’re still here.”
I can’t even respond to that. I never thought of it like that, but maybe that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I’ve been grieving the person I thought everyone wanted me to be. But when theythought I was going to die, it wasn’t that person they wanted to save, it wasme.
Just me.
When I get home, I finally gather up the courage to pull up my email to delete the message that kick-started my spiraling. I don’t mean to, but I can’t help but read it one last time.
Subject: Re: been a long time...
I know it’s taken me a long time to explain my thoughts here, and I apologize for that. I thought maybe if I gave it some time, things would work themselves out on their own, but I guess I can’t make you change. I got your email and thought, it better be good. But you’re both still doing what you’re doing.
I can’t lie to you. I’m very disappointed.
You and your sister have been brainwashed, and I can acknowledge that my absence in the last few years has made this harder on all of us. But I can’t pretend to support what I know in my heart is not right.
If you only take one thing I say to heart, let it be this: It doesn’t matter what anyone has tried to convince you until now. What you’re doing is a choice. And you’re making the wrong one. I can’t just sit around and enable my kids to choose this lifestyle over family, and over God. You’re both throwing away my legacy and your own futures.
I won’t force you, but whatever you choose, you get to live with the consequences.
I want to delete it not just from my email but from my memory. But for some reason, I can’t bring myself to erase the evidence. Honestly, my dad is basically dead to me, but that doesn’t mean the influence he left isn’t still there.
He’s the one who showed me the poem I keep taped up in my and Yami’s bathroom. He’s the reason I’m so attached to my jaguar necklace. The reason I feel such a strong connection to my heritage.
And even though he’s the reason those things came into my life, he doesn’t get to sour them for me now. So, instead of deleting the email, I grab a marker, print it out, and start blacking out the words I don’t want to see.
If he can pick and choose Bible verses to live by, I can pick and choose which of his words I take to heart. I don’t have to erase all of him, but he doesn’t get to dictate how I feel about what he left behind.
By the time I’m done, I have a new poem to go alongside the code of the heart in the bathroom. I tape it to the mirror next to my other motto.
Subject:Re: been a long time...
Ixxxx xxxx xxxxx xx x xxxx xxxxx xx xxxxxxx xxthoughtx xxxx, xxx x xxxxxxxxx xxx xxxx. x xxxxxxx xxxxx xx x xxxx xx xxxxtime, xxxxxxwouldxxxx xxxxxxxxxx xxx xx xxxxx xxx, xxx x xxxxx x xxxxxmakexxx xxxxxx. x xxx xxxx xxxxx xxx xxxxxxx,it betterxx xxxx.Butxxxxxxx xxxx xxxxxxxxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxxxx.
I can’t lieto you. I’m very disappointed.
xxx xxx xxxx xxxxxx xxxx xxxx xxxxxxxxxxx, xxx x xxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxx xx xxxxxxx xx xxx xxxx xxx xxxxx xxx xxxx xxxx xxxxxx xx xxx xx xx. xxxI can’t pretendxx xxxxxxx xxxx x xxxxxxmy heart is not right.
If youxxxx xxxx xxx xxxxx x xxx xx xxxxx,let it bexxxx:Itxxxxxxx xxxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxx xxxxx xx xxxxxxxx xxx xxxxx xxx. xxxx xxxxxx xxxxxis a choice. Andxxxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxx xxxxx xxx.Ixxxxx xxxx xxx xxxxxx xxx xxxxxx xx xxxx xxchoose thisxxxxxxxxx xxxxfamily, andxxxx xxx. xxxxxx xxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxmyxxxxxx, xxx xxxx xxxfuturex.
Ixxxxx xxxxx xxx, xxx xxxxxxxx xxxchoose, xxx xxxto livexxxx xxx xxxxxxxxxxxx.
41
When You Just Want to Punch Him in the Mouth... With Your Mouth... For a Long Time
