Page 82 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
When All You Want Is a Hug and Also For No One to Ever Touch You Again
Self-Contradiction
“I think the plan is failing,” Moni whispers over FaceTime while I walk to school and she’s putting on her makeup. Who knows how she managed to sneak her phone away this time. It takes me a second to remember about her multiple plans.
Right. The secret project is about her dad.Theplan is about Abuela.
“What happened? I thought you said she found someone?”
“I know! And how long has it been since then? How long since she got all smiley every time she looked at her phone?” She doesn’t wait for me to answer. “And yet she hasn’t gone on a single date! I thought maybe things didn’t work out with that guy, so I tried to set her up with someone else, but every single time, she flakes! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” I’m about to ask what that is, but I don’t know why I expected anything other than for her to answer herself. “Exactly. She must be gay.” Moni somehow got out that entire whispered monologue without stopping for air even once.
“Isn’t she, like, extremely religious, though?” I ask. For someoneso into Bible horoscopes, I have a hard time believing my grandma is anything but straight.
“Hmm... maybe she’s one of those repressed gays who hates themselves.”
I ignore the sting those words carry.
“I think she just needs a little push in the right direction,” Moni says with a thoughtful look in her eye.
“What do you mean, ‘the right direction’?” Does she mean trying to push Abuela to be straight?
“I mean, we just need to give her a little hint that we’d accept her no matter what, you know?” she says. “Maybe mention to her you have a gay sister or something.”
“Yeah, I’m not doing that.” Not only do I not want to talk about Yami, but I doubt Moni is right about this little hunch. Just because Abuela doesn’t want to go on a date with a stranger her grandkid set her up with doesn’t mean she’s gay.
“Maybe we could have a Xena watch party. Xena’s a lesbian, right?” she asks. “Oh! I gotta g—” She hangs up before finishing her sentence.
I can’t even laugh about Moni’s antics right now, because only one part of what she said is sticking with me.
... one of those repressed gays who hates themselves...
The words bounce around in my brain all morning. By the time astronomy starts, my throat is tight and my palms are sweaty and my ears are hot and I can’t fucking do this.
“I have to pee!” I blurt out as I literally run away, the sounds of laughter behind me only serving to heat my reddened ears as I rush out the door and make a run for the staircase.
The stairwell door closes behind me with a thud, but I only make it down a few steps before I have to grab the banister to keep from falling all the way down. I sit on the steps, gasping for air. What the fuck is happening to me?
The door below me opens, but I can’t get myself together before whoever it is will see me, so I just hide my face in my knees and keep desperately trying to breathe.
I can’t fucking breathe!
“Cesar?” someone asks, and my head whips up at the voice. Avery.
Seeing him only makes the hyperventilating stronger. I can’t even bring myself to speak to tell him to go away. Tears prick my eyelashes, and anger heats my blood. I’m fucking crying in front of Avery. If this had happened two years ago, he would have told his friends and I’d have gotten a good beating.
But instead he just reaches inside his backpack and pulls out an icy water bottle. I expect him to hand it to me, but he unscrews it and splashes it right in my fucking face.
For a second, I’m too stunned to move.
“What the hell is your problem?” I manage to get out as I shake the water from my hair like a wet dog.
Avery sits down next to me and lets a smile crack. “You’re breathing again, aren’t you?”
And I hate that his weird trick worked, but I am in fact breathing again.
“How did you know to do that?” I ask incredulously.
He just shrugs. “Learned it by accident. Cold water kind of resets you. You should carry around some ice water, and next timeit happens just pour some on your hands and splash your face. Works like magic.”
