Page 68 of The Golden Boy's Guide to Bipolar
I haven’t been in Bianca’s house since she and Yami were still best friends. She’s clearly cleaned for me, since I remember this house being a lot messier. It’s not pristine or anything, but the floors are swept and the clutter is gone.
Coming back here reminds me how much of a betrayal this is. But when Bianca drops her robe to reveal her near-naked body, the thought vanishes from my mind.
“Wow... ,” I say again, and she grins.
“Aren’t you in AP English? Could have sworn your vocabulary was a little bigger.” She laughs, but it’s warm.
I return the laugh, nervously, while she pulls me over to the couch and makes a show of pushing me down on it. She straddles me and leans forward, planting a few kisses on my lips, jaw, neck. Her hands travel down my chest while mine discover hers.
She scoots up so her breasts are right in front of my face, and I hope Bianca can’t feel the quiver in my lips when I kiss them. All I can think about right now is how this should be easy. This should be second nature for me. It should be fun.
And to an extent, it is. I like the feeling of Bianca’s lips on mine. Her breasts in my palms. Her hand between my legs.
But as fun as it is, it doesn’t feelright.
Jamal felt right. But according to Father John, those thoughts were wrong. According to Father John,thisis what’s right. This is what I should be doing.
This should be easy.
Then Bianca kisses me harder and pulls away, looking deeply into my eyes. Usually I feel like I can read people pretty well, but I can’t place her expression at all.
“I love you,” she says as she unzips my pants and sticks her hand under my boxers.
My breath grows heavy, but it’s not because she’s got her hand wrapped around my now deflating boner. My chest gets tight, and the air gets thinner, and every breath comes out ragged and strained.
I think I’m having a panic attack.
“I have to go,” I blurt out, then push her off me and make a run for the door.
When group comes around again and everyone’s sharing their good news from the last week, I keep quiet like I always do. But I do pay attention this time since I’m trying not to think about all the unanswered texts I have from Bianca, who’s been trying to get ahold of me since Friday.
Avery usually doesn’t say much unless prompted either, but today he’s the first to volunteer something. “That lawyer who’s trying to help me found another angle, so I might actually be able to get this stupid thing off soon.” He gestures to his ankle.
I’m not proud to admit the news deflates me. I mean, I’m not super into the U.S.’s punitive justice system, but I was kind of hoping Avery would cave and snitch on Nick to get free.
After a few others share their good news, Dr. Lee moves on to the topic of the day: relationships. So of course everyone uses that as an excuse to talk about their love lives. I know I should be talking about my girlfriend and how I’ve been avoiding her since she toldme she loved me, but all I can think about is Jamal and how I’m going to have to spend more time with him for that fucking astronomy project that for some reason counts for half our grade.
I end up blurting out something about having to do my senior project with my ex to get Dr. Lee off my back about never participating. I’m careful not to gender Jamal, only calling him the ex, since I don’t want anyone here knowing I’m bi just yet. Or ever. I push the thought down that Avery knows. When I look up at him, he doesn’t look away this time.
“At least you have an ex,” he says in a tone I can’t quite place. “I never even had a first kiss.” Is he trying to make nice with me or something? I glare at him to let him know it’s not working, and he looks away.
“I just had mine yesterday!” Aaron says excitedly, grinning so hard his lips might fall off.
“Ooooh! With movie-theater girl?” Zo asks, leaning forward in amusement. Maybe Ishouldpay attention in group more often, because I don’t remember Aaron talking about a movie-theater girl.
Aaron blushes and nods. “Yeah. It was our fourth time going on a movie date, so I decided it was time. Apparently, she’s been waiting for me to kiss her for ages.” He laughs. “But don’t worry, Avery, I’m sure you’ll get your first kiss soon!”
“I seriously doubt it.” Avery laughs humorlessly. “I did my, uh, residential treatment when I was thirteen. Kind of put me off from the whole thing.”
“Wait, why would going inpatient put you off kissing?” Aaron asks what I might have, if I cared to know.
Avery stares at the ground while he answers. “Uh, I didn’t go inpatient. More like, me and some other kids had to stay somewhere for a while for, um, like, a treatment program.”
“You mean like sober living?” Aaron asks.
“Not really, I don’t know....” Avery shuffles a hand through his hair. “Can you just tell the new guys, Zo? I’m getting a little...” He trails off as his eyes kind of lose focus, and he doesn’t finish the sentence.
“He’s talking about conversion therapy,” Zo says, and that finally has me interested. Avery did conversion therapy... and it worked? I didn’t even know people still did that.
