Page 125 of With Stars in Her Eyes
“Ineversaid what we had was small…” My arms hugged around my body protectively as I stood. The woodpecker kept on tapping as the breeze picked up. I faced her but I couldn’t bring myself to sit beside her again. “Listen to what I’m goddamn saying, Courtney. I said,youthink the only waywecan have a life together is to makeyourselfsmaller than you are.”
Courtney blinked.
“Tell me that you’re not using this…” I gestured between us like something hovered there, some tangible link between our hearts. “Tell me you’re noteven nowusing this as an excuse because you’re scared of beingallof who you are—scared offightingto be all you are.”
The flutter of wings caught my attention again.
The woodpecker had flown off.
It left in its wake a silence between us as heavy as gravity. An inescapable, invisible force that could wreck everything trying to fight it. A sudden gust of wind sent a shower of pink magnolia petals to the ground around us.
“I want an honest answer.”
“It’s complicated.”
“I know it is.” I exhaled slowly. “So I’m going to make part of it easier.”
“Please, don’t.”
“Wait.” I held up a hand to stop her from coming to me. “You’re right that I’m trying to build a life here. If you can’t figure out a way to be honest with me and stop protecting me from things that I have no need of being protected from, I don’t think this is going to work. At least not right now. It’s not… this isnota third-act breakup though.”
“Because you hate those.” Courtney stood and took a slow step toward me.
“Because I hate those…” I nodded, and it was the permission she needed.
“Thea.” Her fingers threaded through my hair with her thumb cradling my jaw.
Our foreheads touched. “I do want you to know that a part of me does want to kiss you and beg for you to stay here, but I’m not going to.”
“What if I want you to?” Courtney’s lips barely moved as she spoke the words. “What if I’m too scared to do it, and I want to stay here where it’s safe? What if part of me wants you to ask me to give it up?”
“Baby, I think you’ve spent too much of your life without knowing what it’s like to have people who don’t expect you to give pieces of yourself up in order to be loved.” I touched her lower back. “And even though you have people around you who do now, I think you shift back into your factory settings under stress.”
“Factory settings in this case being a metaphor for my trauma response?” Courtney shook with a thick chuckle, but her face was dry.
My tears fell before I could stop them. Courtney had always been so much more controlled than I was. Her years performing meant she could put on a mask when she needed to, but I never could. I was never able to grow out of the stars in my eyes or my heart on my sleeve. And if I didn’t push Courtney a little to go now and live her dream, the beautiful woman I loved might be tempted away from doing all the big things she deserved to do.
“You have to go back because what if you miss out on your perfect touchdown pass and it’s all my fault?”
“Hey.” She caught my face in her calloused hands. “I know this has been a whirlwind few days, but I’m just a cellist. You might be confusing me with your giant best friend.”
“I mean that I want you to go fight for your dreams.”
A spark had returned to her green eyes. “My dreams being becoming an NFL star?”
“Courtney Dove Starling.” I glared.
“Yikes. Why, Thea?”
“Sorry.” I winced. “You need a new middle name. That one just is never gonna suit.”
“It’s okay.” Courtney wiped my tears away with her thumbs. “Where does all this leave us because Thea I lo—”
I ended her words with a quick kiss. “Please. Don’t say that right now. I can’t… I don’t want to be a consolation prize or an excuse. If you say that now, I’ll feel like one.”
“But you’re not.”
“The only way I’llknowI’m not either is if you go fight for who you are and what you want.”
