Page 124 of With Stars in Her Eyes
Courtney’s hands balled in her lap. “I’m just so sorry I didn’t tell you.”
I was silent for several deep breaths. “We shared this incredible weekend together. We told each other so much. And for the months before that when we just got to know each other. I thought it was real, and I was finding out who you are.”
“You were.”
“But then I find out you were making the biggest decision of your life without telling me what was happening. Orwhyit was happening. Meanwhile I had been pouring my stupid heart out to you about my stuff, which was petty in comparison. Which meant when I found out about you, I was back to feeling like I was the too-much-too-soon girl.”
“Your stuff wasn’t petty. I never thought that.”
A woodpecker landed on a tree across the dusty courtyard. It crawled around and then began digging with its beak, stopping every now and then to evaluate its progress.
My teeth clenched. “And it’s not just that you didn’t trust me about that. What you told Demetrius about me…”
“I shouldn’t have said it, and it wasn’t fair.”
“You’re right. It wasn’t fair. I never asked you to be smaller than you are. And some part of you must think I would, because otherwise why would your mind go there? But on another level, you wereright.I am looking to build a life here. I thought we were building something together, and after you talked about it like that…”
“What?”
“I hated that you assumed I wouldn’t be able to handleallofyou. How the hell do you not know that everyone around you who cares about you wants the best for you? That’s what made me so angry.”
“I think I was processing something in real time, and none of it came out right.”
“Well, reading between the lines—I think that absolute shrunken testicle of an ex couldn’t handle how talented you were. Andhewanted to own you. But I just don’t appreciate you making that assumption about me. Bet Samantha and Demetrius, Nic, Jeannie—everybody in your life would probably feel the same.”
“I know that. But he got in my head. I was so stupid. I can’t believe I fell for his bullshit again. You want radical honesty? I’ll even tell you the embarrassing way he got me to date him. I’ve never told anyone that ever.”
“How?”
“He called me his little muse, and I ate that shit up. Because it made me feel like I was special.”
I gagged.
“I know. Fuck.”
“You werenevera muse. You are theartist. Anyone trying to make you smaller than what you are could never do you justice.”
“I told the band what Jeremiah was threatening to do to their careers if I released the record. I realized I should probably stop making decisions for everyone else in my life.”
“What did they say?”
“They’re talking about it now.”
“What are you hoping for?” I sat beside her again and slid my hand onto her thigh, palm up.
“I wish I knew.” She interlaced our fingers. “I’ve never felt like this before. I guess the truth of what you heard me say last night is that Idon’twant you to think that my career would be more important than you. I can get so focused on one thing, and I don’t want to be the sort of person that sacrifices the needs of the people she cares about for a career.”
I swiveled and cradled her hand with both of mine. “You thinkI would see how much you love performing and recording—how much you come alive when you’re playing and singing—and ask you to walk away from being Kestrel and have a little life with me here and marry me tomorrow?Jesus, Courtney.”
“Itwouldn’tbe a little life.” Courtney leaned close, head bowed toward our hands. “I could lose everything else, and I’d be happy here with you no matter what the band decides. Nothing about this life would feel little to me.”
“That’s just the thing though. You haven’t lost anything. It’s all right there waiting for you, and for some reason you keep finding every excuse to give up on it. I hear what you’re saying, but can you see how it might sound to me? It’s like you’re treating being withmelike some escapist fantasy.” I dropped her hand. “I told you why I tried so hard to keep the boundaries up about my photography. It was because I tried to make a living doing it the way I wanted to do it. I failed, but then I fought against letting it become a chore and let it be my little side hobby.Youhave the biggest opportunity of your life right here. Fuck Jeremiah. Fuck your parents. No one who loves you would ask you to be smaller than you are.”
Courtney’s gaze was on the woodpecker now. Thetap, tap, tappingechoed off the old church building and the trees. The breeze smelled green, the way it did back home when the grass starts growing quicker and the azalea blooms begin to wilt.
Our legs were parallel lines now. That pencil-width space between us was a chasm.
“Thea, I’m falling in love with you.” Courtney’s bottom lip trembled. “Andnothingabout that is small.”
