Page 72 of Love At First Fright
“After that, it was all very fast. She went into palliative care, and we took care of her, with nurses dropping in every day. She wasn’t herself much at the end; she said a lot of things she didn’t mean, she didn’t know where she was. That’s what happens with brain cancer and all the painkillers, it takes them away, bit by bit.” Rosemary took in a stuttering breath, tears falling freely down her cheeks.
“In the end, it was peaceful. She fell asleep and just never woke up. I thought, part of me thought, that I might see her again—that she might…but…” She couldn’t talk anymore, and Ellis scooped her into his arms.
Sobs overtook her, and even though she wanted to tell him about the hours she sat beside her mom’s body, waiting to see if she’d appear to say goodbye, she couldn’t form the words.
“It’s okay, you’re okay.” He kissed her forehead and held her close, and they rocked gently side to side until Rosemary’s breathing calmed.
“Sorry, I don’t know why I cried. I’m normally alright talking about it.”
“You’re allowed to cry, Rosemary.”
She took off her glasses and wiped her eyes, as her nose and cheeks were probably all blotchy and tearstained now.
“It’s just…been a while. I talk about it with Immy and Dina, my friends, but not really with anyone else.”
“Well, you can tell me anything.”
What if I told you I can see dead people?“Anything? I might hold you to that.” She was tired, talking and falling back into memories of her mom’s illness always sapped her energy, so she leant into Ellis’s warm chest.
The oven pinged to announce it had reached the right temperature.
“We better put the veg in to roast, then you can show me this magic jam recipe.” Ellis smiled, clearly guessing how he could best cheer her up.
They whiled away the early evening by making jam on one half of the stove. The kitchen windows began to steam up as Rosemary poured the jam into a couple of small jars and Ellis set to work searing the steaks. Unsurprisingly, Fig came sniffing around once the steaks were cooking, and Ellis took a moment to sort out her kibble.
“I’m just going to take one of the jam jars to Mr. Tokes, as a thank-you,” Rosemary said, bundling into her rain jacket.
“Alright, the food should be done in a minute.”
She smiled, and walked out into the rain, coming back a few minutes later utterly soaked.
“It’s horrible out there,” she said, hanging her jacket on therack to dry. Ellis was standing by the small dining room table, lighting a candlestick. Warmth spread from her chest to every inch of her body. Ellis came over and kissed the rain droplets on her nose and cheeks. “Come and eat.”
—
While Rosemary cuddled Fig onher lap, the little dog dozing and chasing bunnies in her sleep, Ellis wondered if it was possible to feeltoohappy.
Harvesting veg from the garden, cooking together, and having Rosemary trust him enough to tell him about losing her mum, and letting him comfort her in return, it left Ellis with a floaty feeling of contentment. Was there such thing as a domspace? The feeling you got from taking care of someone, comforting them, making them feel better—it elicited such joy for him.
It had Ellis thinking things that were probably—no, definitely—too early for him to be thinking about. Like how it would be a good time to plant some broad beans to harvest next year with Rosemary.
He kept imagining what it would be like, getting to see her every day. Getting to kiss her senseless, make her come, support her, make her happy…love her.
Was he thinking too far ahead? Absolutely, and he knew it. Rosemary had made it clear that she was rudderless right now, but even if she had close friends in England, surely she had a whole life in New York? Perhaps leaving it for a time was only making her realise that that was her home. And her family was in the States, too, there was no way she’d want to live so far away. Or with him.
Ellis supposed he could make use of his homes abroad, the one in L.A. and the apartment in New York, that he’d boughtfor filming over there, but it was too early to float the idea past Rosemary. For Christ’s sake, they’d only just had sex and spent the day together. She’d think he was loony if he suggested that he could move across an ocean to be closer to her. They hadn’t even defined whatthiswas between them.
“I just had a new idea for my book,” Rosemary said, looking up at him with a pleased sort of surprise on her face.
“You should write it down.”
Carefully, he picked up the dreaming Fig, as Rosemary went and grabbed her laptop. Then he watched the applewood fire crackling away in the hearth whilst Rosemary tapped away at her keyboard beside him on the sofa.
They sat there in companionable silence for a bit, Ellis smoothing his hand over Fig’s head as she slept. Even full from dinner as he was, Ellis couldn’t wait to get Rosemary naked again. He wanted to feel her thighs wrapped around him, wanted to see her perfect tits bouncing as she rode his cock.
But he had also been thinking about their conversation earlier, when he said she could tell him anything. He’d meant it. Again, he wondered if it would be the same for her. Ellis really, really wanted to tell her he was bi.
It was such a core part of himself, and he was so tired of hiding it. But the thought of her finding out, and reacting badly, was so suffocating when it took over. It felt like he was wading waist-deep through the muck of every vile thing he’d ever heard Brody or some other guy in the industry say, and every time he thought he was ready to live truly as himself, the muck held him fast.
