Page 29 of Petting Penelope
“Sure,” said Rachel. She looked behind to where Reese and Bossy P were. Reese gave her a sympathetic smile, but she didn’t know what it meant. Didn’t know what any of it meant really.
The walk back to the main building was quiet. It didn’t take too long, and they passed various people on the way, offering awkward nods of acknowledgement and forced smiles.
Rachel didn’t know what to do, what to say, but Penny seemed content to walk along in silence, so she attempted to do the same.
When they finally reached their suite, Penelope disappeared off to the bathroom, and came back with her plug in hand. “I don’t think I want to wear this anymore,” she said.
“Whatever you want,” said Rachel. “Pen, are we… are we okay?”
“Of course!” said Penelope, brightly. Too brightly.
“Only, it doesn’t feel like we’re okay.”
There was a pause whilst the other woman thought through her answer. “We are okay, it’s just… I shouldn’t rely on you so much. I feel like whatever we’re doing is edging into relationship territory and I’m not sure that’s what I…” Her voice trailed off and Rachel was left in limbo, not entirely certain what was going on.
“Well, whatever boundaries you need to put in place, I support that. I just want to make sure that you’re okay, that I didn’t overstep. You safeworded out and that iscompletelyfine.”
“It is?” Penelope turned watery blue eyes on Rachel, and Rachel realized that she was about to cry.
“Oh, sweetheart, of course it is. You can safe out any time you like. That’s the whole point of having a safe word in the first place—so you can use it. I was just wondering what triggered it, so I can avoid it next time.”
Penny got up and wandered over to pour herself a glass of water. Her hands trembled slightly, and Rachel longed to run over and do it for her, but she fought the urge. Stayed where she stood.
“Maybe… maybe we can sit down and talk about it?”
“Yes.” Eagerly, Rachel moved to sit in the chair that Penelope had pulled out for her at the table. The other woman sat in the chair opposite, the table between the two of them.
Penny’s fingers curled around the glass that she held and she looked everywhere but at Rachel. “I suppose it started with Cristina.”
CHAPTER 25
Penelope
She hadn’t spoken about Cristina out loud in a couple of years. It affected her everyday life, the way she moved through the world, and certainly how she interacted with Dommes, but that didn’t mean that Penelope was used to talking about it.
Rachel sat across the table from her, anxiety painted across her face.
She hadn’t done anything wrong. If anything, she’d been so wonderful that merely being in her presence was enough to keep Penny calm. And the realization of that had been enough to set her into a panic.
“Who’s Cristina?” asked Rachel, gently.
“My ex,” said Penny. “And not my ex in the kind of nice positive way that you often find with lesbians. She’s my ex in the ‘oh my god she’s a shitty person’ kind of way.”
“Ah,” said Rachel.
“Cristina was into humiliation kink, only it was less kink and more outright meanness. And she didn’t really like me having friends, or doing my own thing, and hated me being at the club.”
“That’d explain why the club is pretty protective of you.”
“Just a little bit!” Penelope laughed, but the sound was harsh and hard, and there was no amusement in it at all. She just felt a bit empty—it was the only way to talk about it all. “She didn’t like me having a life outside of her, but she also didn’t really want me in her life. Any kind of peace that I had, any kind of solace, had to come from me.
“My friends were amazing; Mina, Amanda, Layne and Vicky. They helped me see that what was happening wasn’t good. They encouraged me to think critically about the kink that I was engaging in, and how it was damaging. Dangerous.”
She looked up to where Rachel sat. Her face was carefully blank, as if schooled to try and not spook Penny. “It’s okay, I know it’s made me pretty fucked up.”
“Sounds like you have reason to be fucked,” said Rachel. “Though I think we’re all fucked up in our own way.”
“Yeah, but my C-PTSD…” She paused then. “That sounds like I’m being overly dramatic, I know, but I promise you, I have actually been diagnosed. I meet all the criteria laid out in the DSM-5 and?—”
