Page 82 of Damnation
“No, of course not,” I answer hesitantly.
“You are. And you have every reason to be. It was stupid of me to rush in and run my mouth like that without making sure you’d told him first.”
“Look, what’s done is done. Let’s not dwell on it, okay?”
“No, it’s not okay. I know I made a scene. If you’ve decided to back out and don’t want to tutor me anymore, I understand. I don’t want my presence to screw up your life, Vanessa. I’ve been thinking about it all day, and I realized that you were right. I shouldn’t have asked you to do it. Thomas is apparently convinced that I have bad intentions, and I don’t think he’ll ever believe otherwise. I don’t know what I was thinking…” He gets up from the stool, leaves a few bills for me on thecounter, and turns to go, looking defeated.
I glance at him out of the corner of my eye as I wipe down the bar, but I can’t remain impassive in the face of his unhappiness. “Logan,” I call out to him before he can leave the room.
He turns around with his hands tucked into his pockets.
“I haven’t changed my mind, okay? I said I would help, and I’m going to. I just…I don’t want to talk about it anymore, okay?”
He nods submissively. “Okay. You’re always so good. I don’t deserve it.”
“Do you know what you really didn’t deserve? That,” I say, pointing at the bruise on his cheek. “I’m sorry. And I’m sorry that it always seems to end that way between the two of you.”
He rubs his cheek, inclining his face slightly. “Ah, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.” Before he leaves, he smiles at me, and I do my best to smile back, but all I can manage is a grimace that only vaguely resembles a smile.
***
Once my shift is over, Vince drags me to the party at my dorm. He’s been following me around all day, and I don’t get why. I tried to convince him to go without me, but he wouldn’t listen to any of my objections. “I’m not going to let you hole up in your room all night being depressed,” is what he said.
To be clear, that was not my intention. I would have merely curled up in my bed and surrendered to the darkness and silence of my lonely room on what would have been my first official night in my new apartment…by myself. Without him. For the second night in a row. And yes, at that point I would have almost certainly burst into tears. Okay, I admit it, I would have been depressed.
“So you made it. I’d almost counted you out,” Athena says when she sees me emerge from a long dorm hallway crowded with students.
“Work kept me later than expected, but yeah, I decided to take the plunge.” I smile at her a bit awkwardly, toying with my hair. I’m not quite sure how to act with her. If it were Tiffany in front of me, I’d giveher a hug, but Athena seems a bit aloof to me, and I don’t have the guts to give it a try.
“Yeah, and I see you brought your friend too.” She turns her attention to Vince, who is gorging himself at the snack table.
“Yeah, sorry… I couldn’t talk him out of it.”
“Don’t worry about it; I don’t know why I thought you could. At least he had the decency to get cleaned up this time,” she points out, chuckling. “In terms of the party, as you can see, everyone’s spread out a bit in the various rooms.” She gestures at the open doors on either side of the hallway, a different genre of music coming from each one. “In G13 they’re playing some poppy stuff; wanna come by and cut loose a bit?” she suggests.
“Um…I don’t think I really have the energy to jump around to ‘There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back.’ I think I’d rather get something to eat.”
Vince interjects himself into the conversation, wrapping an arm around Athena’s shoulders. “Good evening, Athena. While my friend here may be tired, I have all the energy you need.”
She wriggles free. “No, thanks. See you around, Clark.”
I nod and smile gratefully at her. I give Vince a pleading look, silently begging him to behave like a civilized human being. Or at least like a properly domesticated animal. Athena heads for G13 with Vincent hot on her heels. I may have been imagining it, but I could have sworn I saw the littlest smug smile on her face when Vince put his arm around her.
After an hour of uncomfortably rejecting numerous pitches and invitations, I swallow the last sip of orange soda from my plastic cup and decide that the time has finally come to leave this party. I’m not in the right mood for this at all. Everyone around me is having fun in one way or another, while here I am just sitting in this uncomfortable chair, repeatedly checking my phone in the hopes of getting a call from him. I feel a bit pathetic, but damn it, it’s 11:45! Is it possible that it just hasn’t occurred to him to reach out?
Annoyed, I search for Vince to tell him that I’m going to leave. I findhim in a room where R&B music is playing. To my great surprise, I see that he’s dancing with Athena. I just shake my head, amused. Maybe he was right about the vibe after all.
I leave him to enjoy the rest of his evening, and I head for the elevators with my stomach in knots. Once I get back to my room, I slump down on the floor. It’s as though the whole day’s worth of feelings is finally free to explode. I hate myself for this. I hate having no control over my emotions. Never being able to stop myself. I take a deep breath, sniffle a little, and try to calm myself down.
I toe off my shoes and put the bag with my work uniform in it on the sofa. I undo my hair and lie down on the bed. It smells new. I stare up at the dark ceiling, not even bothering to take off the clothes I’ve been wearing since this morning. Noises from the street and the other apartments filter in, despite the windows all being closed. I can hear the roar of motorcycles racing down the pavement and the honking of cars. From the next room, I can hear some girl yelling at her boyfriend. Apparently he spent the whole night messing around with his friends instead of being with her. I check my phone for the thousandth time since this morning. Still nothing. I feel like I’ve traveled back in time to when I was still with Travis.
I sigh and rub my face.Enough! This is ridiculous!I refused to call him at first out of pride, but the worry is eating me up inside. I’m just about to dial his number when someone knocks on my door, startling me. My fingers freeze and I frown. Is it Vince?
Hesitantly, I open the door, but the person I find in front of me is not who I expected. Thomas looms in the door, wearing his leather jacket and leaning against the frame. He has that rebellious tuft of hair, which always insists on falling over his forehead, his cheeks are a little bit red, and his weary green eyes are fixed on mine. Even all messy like this, he is breathtakingly beautiful, and I hate him all the more for it. There’s a wave of warmth washing over my body, and I can’t understand what is going on in my brain right now. Emotions chase one another with such violence that it leaves me stunned. Relief. Anger. Joy. Disbelief. When I recover from the initial shock, however, it’s clearthat anger has prevailed.
I snort contemptuously before I speak to him. “Look what the cat dragged in. But you’ve come to the wrong place; I don’t want you here. Go back to your room.” I start to slam the door in his face, but he blocks it with his hand.
“Ness.”
