Page 5 of Damnation
“So…you weren’t at Finn’s party?”
He shakes his head.
“And you weren’t with anyone else?” I whisper. It seems to me that he hesitates for a brief moment—during which I feel short of breath—but then he denies it again. I look into his eyes, scrutinizing them intensely, but all I see there is the truth.
“I thought I was being clear when I said I wouldn’t do that.”
“You say a lot of things, Thomas.”
“I would never do anything like that to you.”
“Then why didn’t you answer your phone? Why won’t you tell me where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing all this time?”
“Because there’s things you should stay out of, for your own good.”
By now, I should be used to him constantly pushing me away and shutting me out. Yet every time he does it, my heart crumbles into thousands of pieces. As if he can read my mind, Thomas takes my face in his hands, rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs and burying his other fingers in my hair before pulling me closer to him. I close my eyes as I feel tears beginning to prickle behind my eyelids. Like I haven’t cried enough yet today.
“I was out of my mind when I left, that’s true. But I want you to get one thing straight in your head: No matter how pissed off I am, no matter how much you piss me off…you are always my first priority.” He stares intensely at me, resting his forehead against mine while I struggle mightily to contain my emotions.
Our mouths brush against one another, and our heartbeats quicken faster and faster until Thomas presses his lips to mine, a kiss of mingled sweetness and determination. And if, in the past, I struggled tounderstand and accept his insistence on keeping me out of certain situations, I am now starting to understand his motivations a little more clearly. He wants to protect me. I take his hands in mine, intertwining our fingers, and pull them from my face to rest on my thighs. He watches me with his head tilted to one side, trying to work out my intentions.
“I can wait…”
“‘Wait’?” he repeats slowly.
“For you to let me in here,” I say, placing a hand on his chest, right over his heart.
“Ness…”
“No.” I silence him with an index finger against his lips because I don’t want to hear what he has to say. Right now, he’s going to be the one listening. “I can wait, Thomas. Whether it takes a day or a lifetime, I will wait. And when you’re ready, when you finally let me in, I promise that I will be so quiet, so delicate with you. I will look and not touch, and learn to accept all the things that I can’t understand.” I lower my head for a moment before lifting it again, noting the bewildered expression on his face. “I don’t expect you to do it now. I just want you to know that, when you’re ready, I’ll be ready with you. I want you to know that you don’t have to afraid to bring me into your world, because you won’t ruin me. You can’t. You fix me, over and over again.”
He doesn’t say anything. He just stares at me with those magnetic eyes, which always intimidate me, and I get the feeling that he wants to tell me something, but he’s holding himself back. Then, in one sudden motion, he pulls me to him and holds me tight. I rest my head against his chest, right there where the heartbeats echo against his ribs with shocking strength. I press myself closer to him and let myself be enveloped by his warmth, because God only knows how much I need it right now.
“I’m sorry about today,” I tell him softly.
“Don’t worry about it.”
But it’s impossible not to; the way Logan talked about Thomas still haunts me, lingering confusedly inside my head:
“Sketchy…”
“Out of his mind…”
“A disgusting coward…”
“You are just one more poor victim who has fallen into his trap…”
I break away from our embrace. “No, I was wrong. I shouldn’t have gone to his room, and I shouldn’t have stayed until I lost track of time. I was being reckless. But I swear to you that nothing happened between Logan and me; please believe me. I should have listened to you, but instead I just made you worried and angry—”
“Enough, Ness. Forget it. The important thing is that you are okay.” He tucks my hair behind my ear with a slow movement while his eyes scrutinize me apprehensively. “Tell me why you’re out here.”
I tense up and feel my stomach drop. I can’t tell him that my mother kicked me out over him. He would blame himself and wind up pushing me away. “Talk to me. What’s going on?” he continues abruptly.
I straighten my spine and heave a deep sigh. “I got into a fight with my mother about her new boyfriend, Victor, who is coming to live with us. I don’t agree with her decision, but she doesn’t care. I said some ugly stuff—really ugly—and she…she made it clear that I’m no longer welcome in her house.” It’s not the whole truth, but it isatruth.
Thomas turns his face away slightly. “Are you kidding me?”
I shake my head. “No, but it doesn’t matter anymore.”
