Page 132 of Damnation
But there’s nothing.
Not even one moment.
I toss my head. Maybe I’m dreaming. Maybe I never even got on a plane to Montana. We never came to this café. We didn’t start talking about the past. I have to be dreaming, because otherwise, it would mean that I’ve been living a lie all these years. My entire life…it was a lie. Hiswords circle around in my head, chasing each other like an echo. He…he…isn’t my father… I can feel my body freezing up, and I force myself to blink several times in an attempt to focus my eyes.
“That’s why you’ve been able to keep away from me all this time, isn’t it? You could do it because, deep down…you knew the bond we had wasn’t…that it was built on a lie. That’s why you chose Liam, because he…” I gasp for breath. “He’s actually your son, while I…I…”
“No, Vanessa, don’t ever think that. I may not be your biological father, but I raised you and loved you as if I were. And I suffered just like you suffered. But I was forced to go along with your mother’s decision, or she would have destroyed my life. She was so afraid that sooner or later, I was going to tell you the truth, and that fear brought out the worst in her. She was trying to push me away because she was hurt and didn’t want to see me anymore. She would have done whatever she had to.”
“And you’d rather leave me, lie to me, and make me hate you than just tell me the truth!” I shout.
“I stupidly thought it would be easier for you to deal with my abandoning you than to learn such an upsetting truth. And it wasn’t just about me either. I had people I needed to protect.”
This is all too much for me.
I jump up uncontrollably, looking around in a bewildered way. Then I do what I always do when the world comes crashing down around me: I run away as fast as I can.
“Vanessa!” he calls, following me out of the café.
I stop and whirl around, raising a hand to stop him. “Don’t come any closer,” I breathe, my voice broken with pain. “Don’t.” I feel like everything I knew has been stripped away from me. My life, my certainties, my identity. And the worst part is that the person who did it is the same person I loved with all my heart.
“Please, let me help you deal with this. Don’t run away,” he whispers hoarsely, his eyes bright and imploring.
“Don’t run away?” I repeat indignantly. “You and Mom betrayed me. You kept me in the dark for years, about everything! And whoknows how much longer you would have continued if I hadn’t convinced you to talk to me? Maybe forever,” I add angrily. “How am I supposed to continue living my life knowing that there’s some man out there in the world who probably looks like me, who has my same blood running in his veins, and he’s a stranger to me?”
The way he looks at me, he somehow seems even more disturbed than I am. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”
“Yeah, well, I should have listened to you!”
“Vanessa, please calm down.”
Calm down?How am I supposed to calm down?”
“You…you know who he is? What his name is?”
He gives me a heartbroken look. “I never knew a thing about the man. Esther didn’t want to talk about him, and I didn’t want to pry.”
I’m finding it increasingly difficult to breathe as I realize that my life is nothing but a succession of men abandoning me as if I am worthless. And for a moment, I find myself thinking maybe they’re right.
Taking advantage of this moment of hesitation, Peter—the man who, until a minute ago, I called Dad—puts his hand on my arm.
“Don’t you dare touch me. Don’t come after me. Just keep on ignoring me and never contacting me like you’ve done so far.” It’s the last thing I say before turning my back on him.
I run until my legs give out. Gasping, I try to pull air into my lungs. I prop myself up on a bench that I cling to as if it’s a lifeline while I try to wrestle back control over my rudderless body and mind.
This is just like last time. My hands are sweating, I’m trembling, and I can’t breathe. I’m having another panic attack. And once again, I can’t control it. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to concentrate on my agitated breathing. I remember what Logan said, how he told me it was all in my head. That I could control it.
And I try, I really try to control it, but it’s stronger than I am. I need someone who is stronger than it.
So in the midst of my panic, I pull my cell phone out of my pocket. After a few seconds, I hear Thomas’s voice on the other end.
“Hello?”
My heart skips a beat, and my pulse, instead of calming down, pounds even faster than before. I open my mouth and try to say something, but nothing comes out.
“Hello?” he says, getting irritated. I try to speak again, and I fail, again. My lips are sealed. I close my eyes and rest a hand on my chest. I realize that only now is my breathing finally evening out. It’s as though just hearing the sound of his voice, even at an incredible distance like the one between us, is enough to give my body the strength it needs to calm down.
“Ness…” he whispers hesitantly after a few seconds. “Are you there?”
