Page 128 of Damnation
“I’m begging you.” He runs to catch up with me, blocking my way again. “I do want to talk with you, hear how you are, how your life is going…”
I snort. “Funny that you want to know all about my life now when you haven’t bothered to take an interest in the last three years.” My father freezes in place, not saying a word. “Not a single text. Not a single visit. Not even a phone call, Dad. Why? Didn’t you ever think about what that was like for me? How hard it was for me to start over all alone? How much it hurt knowing that you moved so far away from me?” The hurt I’ve been repressing for years breaks its bonds, flooding both of us.
He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s…it’s complicated.”
My eyes go wide. “Complicated? You find it complicated to explain why you abandoned me?”
“It’s complicated to explain to you right now, under these circumstances,” he stammers, spreading his arms wide. Then he allows his head to droop helplessly. “Please come back tomorrow. I will spend every second of my day with you; I will answer all the questions you have.”
“If Bethany lets you,” I grumble.
“I’ll do it, but promise me you’ll come back tomorrow,” he replies seriously.
I look anywhere but at him, focusing on a fir tree, its luxuriant branches illuminated by the sunlight. I grasp the shoulder strap of my bag while I think about how to answer him.
I’m angry. Extremely angry. And hurt. But the truth is, I traveled all these miles just to talk to him. To understand. If I leave now, I’ll be right back where I started. So, swallowing the lump of bitterness in my throat, I answer, “Okay, tomorrow.”
The lines on his face relax instantly, and I don’t miss the faint sigh of relief he makes. “Thank you.” He pauses for a moment, then asks me, “When did you land?”
“Forty minutes ago,” I say, checking my wristwatch.
“Do you have a place to stay?”
I shake my head no. He stares thoughtfully at me for a moment before reaching into the back pocket of his jeans and taking out his cell phone. He calls some guy named Ralph and paces back and forth in the street as he talks, eventually wandering away. It’s a quirk I recognize. In the past, he would pick up a phone call in the kitchen, and by the time it ended, he would inexplicably find himself in the living room. I have so many memories of my father, and sometimes I wonder if the same is true for him. Does he still keep them locked up safely inside his head? And when he thinks about them, does a melancholy feeling take over until his eyes get teary like me?
After he ends the call, he comes back to me. “I talked to a friend of mine. He runs a ranch about ten-minute walk from here. He has some rooms available, and he assured me that you’re welcome to stay as long as you need.”
“That wasn’t necessary; I could have found a place to stay on my own.” It irritates me to see him being so considerate of me now, when, a minute ago, he wouldn’t even let me into his house.
He smiles tightly at me. “I’d rather know you’re somewhere safe.”
“Okay, then,” I say, chewing on the inside of my cheek. “See you tomorrow.”
He starts to take a step toward me, albeit uncertainly. Maybe with the intention of hugging me? But I don’t let him. I leave before he can.
After ten minutes of following the directions on my phone, I find myself at the ranch. There’s a girl with slicked-back dark hair wearing muddy jeans and a jacket a few sizes too big for her. She’s feeding some goats in the warmth of a stable.
“H-hi, I’m…” I start, trying to get her attention. But then I just leave the sentence hanging there because I realize that I don’t actually know how to describe myself. Given the way my father greeted me, I doubt the neighbors know about his past. Even if they do, I don’t know how much they know.
“Clark’s daughter,” she finishes for me, impatient. So he didn’t keep me a total secret. That’s a small consolation at least.
I sigh. “Yeah, that’s me. Vanessa.”
She scatters one last handful of goat feed and comes over to me. “Nice to meet you. I’m Beth, Ralph’s niece. Huh…” She looks me up and down, tilting her head slightly. “I pictured you differently.”
I shake her hand and give her a puzzled look. “Differently?”
“Yeah. More like him, I guess. Daughters usually look like their dads. At least, that’s what my grandma always said. But you probably take after your mother.”
I nod to appease her as she leads me deeper into the ranch. The only things I got from my mother are my pale complexion and my all-consuming need to control everything. And that’s plenty.
“Is Ralph here? I’d like to introduce myself and thank him for his hospitality,” I say, walking behind her up a set of stairs.
“He’s not here right now, but you’ll see him tonight. He should be back in time for dinner.”
When we stop at a room on the top floor, Beth explains that the ranch has five rooms in total. Three are occupied at the moment, mostly by families. Still, the mood is pretty quiet. When she leaves me on my own, I lie down on the mattress and stare up at the ceiling. I still feel shaken and troubled by my interaction with Dad. I didn’t have many expectations for it, yet I was still disappointed. And that was what I’d been most afraid of.
I send a text to Tiffany telling her everything that’s happened, and I update Alex while I’m at it. Then I pull out one of my favorite paperbacks and spend the afternoon reading. Later in the evening, Ralph appears and invites me to have dinner with everyone and get to know them better. I don’t say much during dinner. It’s all a bit foreign to me, very foreign. I just listen to them talk, and when we’re done, I thank them once again for their hospitality.
