Page 120 of Damnation
“Right. You’re the problem. You always are, aren’t you? Because life has been unfair to you. Because you grew up without any guidance. Without love. You lost your brother. Your mother. Your father. And the only way you know how to deal with the catastrophe inside your head is to destroy everything around you. Because in your insane way of seeing the world, if you have someone by your side, then you have something to lose. Something to ruin. If you don’t have anyone…well then, you aren’t risking anything. And that’s why the idea of being loved scares you so much. Love is the ultimate self-destruction as far as you’re concerned. And you’d rather destroy the feeling than risk being destroyed by it. You’re really just a coward. And I pity you for that, Thomas. I feel a deep pity for your constant need to shame people who don’t fear happiness and aren’t afraid to show themselves as they are!”
As good as he is at hiding emotions, I spot something new in his eyes this time. Something different, fragile and vulnerable, which tells me that my words have hurt him like they never have before. But he doesn’t flinch. In fact, he stays right there, ready to absorb the next blow, fully aware that he deserves it. And none of this calms me down because hurting him gives me only a momentary sense of well-being.
Fingers trembling, I slide the leather bracelet off my wrist and put in on the desk. “Do whatever you want with this. Throw it away or burn it if you like. It doesn’t mean anything anymore.” I try again to take the box and leave, but he stops me once more, holding my shoulders and pressing my back against the wall.
“Please don’t go.”
“Move,” I order harshly, glaring at him. Because the despairing way he says those three words is making me waver. And I can’t. I don’t want to falter.
“No.”
“Thomas,” I chide him.
He presses his forehead against mine. “I can’t, Ness. I can’t just let you go like this. I…I need you.”
I can feel my heartbeat thundering deep in my throat. My certainty is slipping away. And that’s when I decide to do the one thing that willfree me of him. It’s the only way I’ll be able to stay away from him. Otherwise, I know that I’ll give in—I know it. But I won’t let it happen again.
“I slept with Logan.”
I say it just like that, straight out, shooting the lie at him like a bullet from a gun. For a second, everything stops. Neither of us is breathing. A flame ignites in his green eyes, spreading to me. “What the fuck did you just say?” he breathes out, moving his head back a few inches.
“You heard me.”
He stares blankly at me for endless seconds. “No. I don’t believe you. You’re only saying that because you’re angry. You wouldn’t do that.”
“Are you sure?” I raise my chin, challenging him. “I did it with you the night I broke up with Travis, remember? What makes you think I wouldn’t do the same thing with him?”
He pulls away as though touching me is suddenly repulsive. His chest rises and falls rhythmically. His jaw muscles tense. “Tell me it’s not true.” He’s standing there, waiting for my reply. But I don’t say anything. Not a thing. I want him to suffer like I’m suffering and to hate me the way I hate him.
And then, all of a sudden, Thomas’s fist crashes into the wall next to my face. I squeeze my eyes shut, holding in a gasp. When I open them back up, his fist is still there, surrounded by cracked plaster, stained with blood along his knuckles. Thomas’s head is bowed, and his eyes are closed.
“Why?” he murmurs, looking up at me. “Why?” he shouts, just inches from my face.
I shrug my shoulders with false unconcern while I die inside. “Because I felt like it. Because he was there and easy,” I hiss venomously.
Thomas stares at me, knowing full well it was no coincidence that I chose those particular words. “Take your stuff, and don’t come here again,” he demands. Then he leaves, slamming the door so hard that the walls shake.
Twenty-Eight
Seven days.
Seven days have gone by since that morning. Since the moment time stopped. Seven days without any news of him. Seven days that I haven’t gone to class. That I haven’t answered any of the phone calls I’ve gotten. That I haven’t opened the door to anyone who comes knocking. Seven days where I’ve struggled to sleep because waking up is always the same: anguish and tears.
As luck would have it, the Marsy’s plumbing broke down, and the bar has been closed until further notice. All I do is lie curled up in my bed. In my darkened room. Wallowing in pain. Letting myself fall into the immense void that Thomas has carved out inside of me. I managed to email Professor Scott and tell him that I had to cancel my tutoring lessons because of the flu. Thank goodness Logan didn’t show up anyway.
Tiffany came looking for me every day, but I didn’t let her in. The same went for Alex. He bombarded me with messages and calls, asked me if I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with him and Stella, who was visiting. I told him no. I don’t want to be around anyone. Not even the people I love. Because I know myself, and I know that I would feel obligated to show them that I’m having the right sort of reaction and not just feeling sorry for myself the way I actually am. I would feel obligated to pretend that I am fine. But I’m not fine. I feel worse with every day that passes.
I know I sound pathetic. After all, it was just a relationship and not even one that lasted very long… Yet, despite all of that, I feel lost without him. And I hate him; I hate him for what he did to me. I hate myself for letting him make me feel this way. Like an automaton drained of any spark of life.
On the eighth day of my confinement, a knock on the door pulls me out of the restless sleep I fell into.
“Nessy, open the door!” It’s Tiffany.
I pretend I can’t hear her. I roll back over in my bed and close my eyes. If I just don’t answer her, eventually she’ll leave.
“Just so you know, I brought reinforcements this time!” I hear her yell after a few seconds of silence. “So if you don’t open the door, I’m going to have these big strong dudes do it. They’re out here cracking their knuckles, ready. Choice is yours.”
She wouldn’t, I think, staring through the darkness of the room at the wall in front of me.Or maybe she would?I huff. The last thing I need right now is a broken door that I have to pay for. I walk over and open the it, only to discover Tiffany and…no one. She played me.
