Page 104 of Damnation
He backs up a few inches, increasing the distance between us. He crosses his arms over his chest, looks at Thomas and Shana, and shakes his head. “Sorry, I was thinking out loud. I shouldn’t have.”
“There’s nothem. They’re just talking, just like us,” I clarify, hoping that I sound more convinced than I feel.
“Is that what you tell yourself to feel better?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. “Come on, you wouldn’t be standing here spying on them if you weren’t thinking the same thing I am.”
I glare at him. “That’s my boyfriend you’re talking about. I trust him. And for your information, I’m not spying on them. I don’t need to do that,” I lie.
“Look, you can say I’m rude and tell me go to hell all you want, but you need to open up your eyes. You and he are like night and day. You’re too different not to combust. Those two, however, they’re on the same page. They understand each other. Look for yourself.” He takes my shoulders and turns me around, forcing me to look at Thomas and Shana.
They’re still there. She has a cup of coffee in her hands. He writes down something on a piece of paper and immediately gives it to her. Then he stands up, and for a second, it looks like he’s about to touch her cheek. Immediately, my blood starts to boil, but at the last second, his hand changes trajectory and merely grabs a cigarette from where it was stuck behind her ear. Shana tries to get it back, stretching out her arm in a flirtatious way that makes me sick. Then, Thomas heads for the exit, Shana following along behind him.
“Trust me,” Logan continues, whispering in my ear. “Those two are acting shady.”
I’d like to be unmoved. I wish I could say that Logan’s words didn’taffect me, but that would be my second lie of the day. When I turn to answer him, my reply dies in my mouth. In the face of my silence, he just gives me a knowing look.
“Thomas would never do something like that to me,” I say without much conviction. It feels like a thousand needles are stuck in my throat. Logan sticks his hands in his pockets and glances at the sofa, where, until recently, Thomas and Shana were sitting.
“Seems to me that he already has.” He backs away without another word, walking off and leaving me with nothing but question marks and burning jealousy.
In a couple minutes, I see Thomas return with Shana, who is now talking on the phone. His cheeks are a little red from the cold. He shakes out his forelock and unzips his leather jacket. They are both about to return to the sofa, but then, for the briefest moment, Thomas’s eyes meet mine. I see him startle a little and move toward me. I jump like an idiot; then all too suddenly, I come back to myself. I turn around and melt into the crowd. I don’t want to talk to him; I don’t want to face him. I’m too anxious and too hurt.
I speed up until I get to the ladies’ room. I take refuge inside, knowing he won’t follow me in. I swear, in this moment, I hate him. I hate him for using me. For leaving me alone. I hate him, because after days of being gone, the first person he shows up with on campus is her. Damn it, knowing how she treated me, he shouldn’t even want to be in the same room with her.
I splash my face with cold water and take a deep breath, trying to banish some of the negative thoughts that plague me. After a few minutes, I leave, hoping that Thomas isn’t around. But as soon as I step out of the door, I see him leaning against the opposite wall with his arms and ankles crossed. Waiting for me. He anxiously toys with the ball of his tongue piercing. His green eyes study my face intently, trying to decipher my mood.
“What do you want?” I ask, detached. I start to walk away from him, and he pushes off the wall, falling into step beside me.
“Are you okay?”
I give a contemptuous snort. “Do you care?”
He grabs my shoulder and pins me against the wall. He looks like he’s about to tell me something, and I pray to God that he does. Let him tell me that, yes, he cares more than anything. Instead, he remains silent.
I shake my head. Yet another disappointment. “Let me go.” I slip out of his hold and keep walking straight ahead, but he grabs my wrist again.
“Why did you run away?”
“Because I saw something that made me sick.”
“We weren’t doing anything.”
“Yeah, that’s what you always say.”
“It’s the truth. She wanted me to help her fix a problem, and I did. That’s all.”
“Oh…” I click my tongue against the roof of my mouth, stopping in front of him and folding my arms over my chest. “How sweet, you’ve suddenly become charitable. What’s next? Going to help some Girl Scouts deliver cookies? You’re out of your mind if you think I’m going to believe that. And let me tell you, you have some nerve talking to me like nothing happened.” I stab a finger angrily into his chest. “I woke up alone and naked this morning. You left me there like a piece of trash—that’s how you made me feel. And all this was after you gave me nothing but indifference and nastiness for days. A real asshole move, but I’m betting you already know that. And now here you come, asking me how I’m doing only because I caught you with her. You know what? Fuck you, Thomas. Fuck you,” I enunciate each word with all the resentment that I can muster, while he just absorbs the anger that I’m blasting at him with a frustrated look and his hands clenched into fists at his sides.
“I thought it would be better that way.”
“‘Better that way’?” I echo, disturbed. “Okay, so why did you think that?”
He sighs and rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands. “Look, I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on in my head. Maybe it’s better if—”
I raise a hand to stop him. I can’t bear to hear him say the thing I fear most in the world, that he has to break up with me. “I don’t want to hear it,” I say, like a coward. “I’m leaving now. And until you are at least willing to apologize to me, don’t try to find me.” I walk away, secretly hoping that he’ll follow me and take me in his arms, but he doesn’t. It’s the final blow after days of anxiety.
Angry and with a pounding headache, I head for the campus lawn. This whole situation is going to drive me insane. At first, I thought his breakdown was about losing his father. But now I’m starting to think that I’m the issue. He’s done everything he can to avoid me for days now, and I have no idea why.
I walk toward the redbrick building where Alex’s photography workshop is being held. He should be finishing up in a few minutes, and I really need to talk to someone. Now more than ever.
