Page 105 of Damnation
As soon as I see him emerge from the building, I grab him by the arm. “Hey, wanna go for a walk?”
“Hey, I didn’t see you there. What are you doing? Were you lying in wait for me?” he asks with a grin. I wish I had even a fragment of his good mood. “Where were you thinking about going?”
“Oh, nowhere in particular. We can just walk around here on campus. There’s that rain smell in the air; you know how much it chills me out,” I answer with a sad smile.
“Things with Thomas still going poorly, huh?” he asks me with his familiar sweetness.
I nod. “Yeah, but I’m not here to talk about him. It’s all I do lately, and I’ve realized I don’t know anything about your life anymore,” I say, desperate for a distraction. “Talk to me; how are things with Stella?”
“Good. She’s coming down next week for Thanksgiving, and after finals I’m going to her place in Vancouver so we can slip in a trip to New York as well.”
“Right, the trip! How long are you planning to stay?”
“If all goes well, I’ll come back right before the start of next semester in January.”
“What!?” I stop in my tracks and give him a shocked look. “That’sso long!”
“Not really, it’ll be a little over three weeks…” he says, downplaying it.
“Three weeks is decidedly too long!”
Alex chuckles. “What’s up with you? Are you afraid you’ll miss me?”
“Pfft, I can live without you. I’ve been doing it every summer for the last thirteen years, remember?”
“Sure, but you had time to prepare for that kind of separation. This is coming on you like a bolt from the blue. But never fear; my whole life is here, and I don’t plan to leave it for at least the next three years. I want to give this thing with Stella a real shot, though. I feel like we could work out.”
I let out another lungful of air, realizing that I have no right to act like this. It’s just that, for a split second there, the idea of losing Alex too knocked me off balance.
“I’m sorry, you’re right. I’m actually really happy Stella’s coming here next week. You two seem great together.”
We sit down on a bench and chat through the lunch break. Finally, in a fit of despondency, I tell him all the latest news. I confide in him about the events of last night, saying that at least knowing that Thomas chose to lose himself in me this time rather than in a bottle gives me some sense of relief. Alex listens to me without judgment and offers a few sage pieces of advice. And I think it’s going to be really hard to face the holidays without him.
***
“…Nietzsche calls into question a human being’s faith, thus revolutionizing Western philosophical thought.”
It’s Thursday afternoon, and I’m in the library for my first tutoring session with Logan. Last night, after my talk with Alex, I texted Logan and asked him if we could put our argument aside and just focus on studying. We agreed on a few rules to start: I would help him, but anything about Thomas and me would remain out of bounds. For themoment, he seems committed to keeping his word.
“Why did he question faith?” Logan asks.
“Because he sees Christianity as a conspiracy against the human being to inhibit his basic impulses. And in order to move on, to progress and become a population of Übermensch—or, rather, free people without chains or restrictions—we need to destroy the certainties derived from religion, which holds men captive.”
“Destroy to create again?”
“Exactly. His philosophy is somewhat based on that concept: Destroy a house and build a palace. Destroy a wreath, make a crown, et cetera,” I explain, nervously brushing my hair over one shoulder. Nervous. That’s how I feel all the time now. Perpetually nervous. I haven’t heard from Thomas since yesterday. But this time, unlike all the others, I didn’t chase him. I was trying to follow Alex’s advice and take a step back from the whole situation. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss him and didn’t constantly hope for a phone call or even a visit in the middle of the night. And I know that, if he showed up, I’d give in despite all my best intentions. Just like I always do when it comes to him. The good news is that he didn’t come to the Marsy yesterday to get drunk either. I can only hope he wasn’t just doing it somewhere else.
My phone vibrates in my pocket while Logan uses his laptop to take notes on everything I’ve just explained to him. It’s a text from Matt. I’m a little weirded out because we never text each other.
Did you hear your boyfriend started coming back to practice again?
This knocks me for a loop. I had no idea. But the news does make me unaccountably joyful: He’s back on campus; he’s playing again. Maybe the worst really is almost over?
Me:I didn’t hear anything about it. But that’s a good thing, right?
Matt:Not exactly. Look, I don’t think I should be the one to tell you this, but I’m worried the person who should worry won’t. Recently, the coach decided to give the entire team a surprise drug test before practice. Thomas popped hot for cocaine andgot kicked off the team.
My eyes fly open, and my heart begins to beat so hard that I can feel it reverberating through my entire body. It can’t…it can’t be true. I gulp air, swamped by nausea and a sudden wave of heat. I’m struggling to breathe, like some supernatural force is bearing down on my lungs. My palms are sweating, and I see that I’m starting to tremble.
