Page 63 of Invisible String
CHAPTER NINETEEN
MAX
The words of her confession wrap around my soul like a warm hug.I love you.The last person who told me they loved me was my mom on the night she passed in my arms. No one has ever said those words to me. I grew up unloved and uncared for. I was a paycheck to the foster system. There were so many times I’d run away from foster homes, only to be found and put back into the same home or moved to the same situation. Luckily, there was a group home shelter in Vegas called Needs for Teens, a nonprofit which provided food, advice, or just the bare essentials like clothes, a shower, and supplies. No questions asked. Mrs. Debbie, the lady who ran the shelter, was a kind woman. She always peered at all of us with soft eyes. She would say, “If you need a hug, I’m here for you, kiddos.” Sometimes I wanted to approach her to feel the warmth of a caring heart. I didn’t know how to ask or how to utter the words of emotions twirling in my heart.
Instead of responding to Rainey, I want to bail—run like the fucking wind. It’s easier than struggling with my words that need to stay buried.
Her question caught me off guard. “Stay or keep in touch with me. Fall in love with me. Love me.”
Pain roars in my chest like a violent wave, pulling me down into the depths of the sea. I hate having to turn my back on the one woman I’ve ever cared for, the one who’s shown me nothing but kindness and… love.She means more to me than anything in this forsaken, miserable world.How do I tell herIcan’t breathe without her? That she planted a seed on the very first day we met. I can’t tell her how I truly feel. Why? Because I’m a trigger.
My wet shoes splatter in the puddles to get to Rainey. The back of my finger brushes her wet, shaking cheek. I study her chocolate eyes, which have little black dots in them. Beautiful, innocent eyes. I capture them and memorize them. Blonde highlights streak through Rainey’s long cinnamon hair. In the sun, it almost looks like copper. Her lips are like little pillows—soft and tender. With my thumb, I trace the outline of her lips. Damn, do I want to kiss them, but instead, I drop a kiss on her cheek.
Her gaze idles on me.
Waiting.
My heart shatters by the second.
“I know. I said I would do anything for you. And I will.” I drop my hand, taking a couple of steps, splashing mud and water around us. “But that’s the one thing I can’t do, sunshine.”
Her chin trembles, and she hugs herself. “Which part can’t you do?” She whispers the last part. I’ve never seen Rainey like this. Vulnerable. The last thing I want is for me to cause her to fall apart in front of me.
How canIgive her all of me when I barely know who I am? When I don’t love myself.
A knot forms in the back of my throat, and I swallow it before answering her. “All of it.” My heart pummels inside my chest.
“Oh…okay.” She tucks a wet strand of hair to the side. “Then that’s it, I guess. You can’t force someone to love you. I can’tmake you choose me.” She steps back, mud splattered across her feet. Her sandals offer no protection.
I’ve chosen her from the beginning, only she doesn’t know. As her father mentioned, it would devastate her. I don’t give a shit about her father, but I do, Rainey, so I’ll do it for her. It’s best that she hates me instead.
“I’m sorry, Rainey. I never meant to hurt you—” The words throttle down to my hard chest. Above all, the things I want to say are like, hey, I’m a homeless poor mother fucker; I have zero cash, zero to offer this beautiful woman. I don’t know where I’m going to go next, where my next meal will be, or where I’ll sleep. More than likely, my car. “I’m not in love.” The truth is, I don’t know how to love her. Not how she needs to be loved. A voice so faint in me says, you have always loved her. Do I? It doesn’t matter though. Regardless of how much I want us, our story still can’t exist.Forbidden.
“You should go, Max,” she seethes. Rainey averts her gaze from me. She’s like a beautiful, soaked angel with fangs. The rain has come to a complete stop—Wolves howl from a distance.
“Rain.” My voice sounds like it’s dragged through shards of glass. A fire burns deep in my aching chest, licking at the edges of what soul I have left.
“Max, please leave now.” Her voice breaks. “I don’t want to look at you or be in your presence. I thought what we had was good. I thought we could have worked something out long-distance. But apparently, I was wrong. You never saw me the way I saw you.”
I shove my hands in the wet pockets of my jeans. “That isn’t true, Rainey?—”
“Enough, Max.” She pivots on her toes, walking toward her place. “Bye.”
“Wait,” I call out, my voice echoing through the empty space.
She stops and turns around at the top of the stairs. I hurry toward her, taking steps two at a time. When I reach the bottom, I look up at her from my towering height. Even though she stands at five feet five inches, I still dwarf her with my stature. I gently cradle her face in the palm of my hands. Tears stream down her face.
“If we ever meet again by chance, will you fall in love with me once more?” My voice cracks.
Rainey swallows hard, closing her eyes. She sniffles and chokes on her tears. She shakes her head. A stab of a thousand needles stabs at my chest. It feels like I’m suffocating, my lungs and heart being squeezed.
“Never will I ever fall in love with you again, Maximilian Cano.” Tears run down. “Never.”Never.
“Please,” I whisper so low I’m sure she didn’t hear. I’m not one to beg, but Rainey has always had the ability to weaken me.
I nod at her, a small gesture heavy with understanding and acceptance. Desperation wells up inside me as I brush my lips against the tension of her tightly sealed mouth. I crave the sensation of her lips against mine one last time, a fleeting moment to hold on to as the reality of losing her forever tears in my soul. I don’t want to think of her with another man. It makes me lethal, foaming like a rabid dog. She doesn’t move. She’s frozen in place as my lips move over hers. Inhale her scent, then peck at her lips. I step back.
“Bye, Rainey.Mi tesoro.” I pat my chest right where my heart lies. “I’ll never forget you.”
