Page 105 of Paradox
After the kindling is alight, he stands, and gives me back the matches. “Why don’t you smoke anymore?”
“I didn’t really smoke in the first place.”
“I’ve seen you smoke a hundred times.”
“I didn’t smoke at your party.” I wish I had another round of wood to hack apart to fill the silence.
“Why were you even there?”
“Do you want the truth, or—”
“Yes.”
Squatting beside the fire, I push some of the smaller sticks into the burgeoning flame. “Me and Shawn were meant to be on a double date with Reeze and one of her friends.”
Jin kneels opposite me. “There has to be more to the story than that.”
“She wanted to blow me in the cab on the way to the restaurant, but I said no. Then she wanted me to finger her at the bar while we were waiting for the others to arrive, and I said no… I still don’t know why I didn’t want to. I mean, the reason we worked so well for so long was because we were always up for whatever the other wanted. But I just didn’t feel like it… It just… didn’t feel right.” I shrug, the growing flames warming my face. “By the time Reeze arrived I’d been given the ultimatum of either screwing her in the toilets, right then and there, or she’d call the night off. So I called her bluff, except she wasn’t bluffing. And Reeze walked face first into the full wrath of Shawn.” Laughing at the absurdity of it all, I brush my hair back and pull up the hood of my jacket. “I guess he likes crazy. Fuck knows how long they were getting it on behind my back. Maybe it started that night? Maybe the reason she wasn’t at home when I got back was because she was waiting for him at his place?”
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out in the end.”
I look up at Jin. “Do you mean that?”
His cheeky smirk hits me right in the dick. “No… But keep going.”
“Tek texted to ask about the date, and when I told him Reeze and I were on our way to another bar, he showed up with a carfull of beer and told us that if we wanted any we had to go with him to your party.”
“I didn’t want you there.”
“I could tell.”
“You were rude… You didn’t even say Happy Birthday.”
“I know. It was—” I cut myself off with a shake of my head.
“I’m gonna need you to finish that sentence.”
With my head still bowed, I look at him through the fire. “It was the first time I could tell you weren’t trying to impress me.”
“That’s cause I wasn’t.”
“It pissed me off.” My words come out in a harsh growl, and I exhale deeply to level myself out, but it doesn’t totally work. “It made me feel like shit, that you—out of everyone at your party—were the only one who didn’t give a fuck that I was there.”
“Ihatedthat you were there. And I hated that Tek brought you without asking.”
“I hated that you wouldn’t look at me.”
“I hated that when I did you were staring back at me like you wanted me dead.”
“I hated that I thought you were beautiful.”
“I hate that all the shit between then and now had to happen for you to tell me that.” Jin stands up, but instead of walking to me like I hope he does, his feet crunch through the snow as he walks away.
My dick’s not hard anymore, but my chest kind of hurts.
Time is something that can never be reversed, so I’m going to have to live with what I did to him for the rest of my life. That’s why I’m trying everything I can to make him smile.
“Are you worried that people will say you’re gay?” Jin asks bluntly as he throws another chunk of tree trunk by my side.
