Page 106 of Paradox
“I’m worried that people will think I’m controlling you, that I’m the reason you dropped out of school, and worse.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“I’m scared shitless that it’ll destroy my relationship with Tek.”
“Goddamnit, Eden! Just answer the fucking question.”
I shoot to my feet and glare down at him. “I couldn’t give a flying fuck if people think I’m gay. It’s not true, but let them believe what they want.”
“S—so you don’t think you’ve… um… always been…”
“Gay?” I can’t help but laugh. “No. I didn’t fuck all those women cause I was obsessed with dick. But do I think I’m bisexual? Yeah, I think I am. I think I’ve always kinda been curious. I… I’ve… I’ve thought about guys while jerking off for years. They were never anyone in particular, though. Just some random hot guy in a club forcing himself on me. I’d resist it, but always let him blow me. But then there was you; at your party. Your smile. Your indifference. Instead of kissing my ass like everyone else, you made me feel like dirt.” Against my better judgement, I step even closer to him. “Fuck, I’ve wanted you so much since then. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I came to the thought of being inside you. Or just remembering that smile. I… Goddamnit… Since arriving here, every single time I’ve jerked off was to the thought of you. And each time I did, I got angrier.”
Jin’s breath hitches just like it did when my fingers first slipped inside him.
“That’s right, Little One. Whenever the hell it was that you caught me. I was thinking about you.”
“What…” he says so quietly I don’t think I’d have heard it if I didn’t see his lips move. “What do you think about?”
“I think about you using that nasty little mouth to make me feel like dirt all over again… The look on your face when I sink my cock inside you… What it would be like foryouto makemehurt.”
“But I don’t wanna hurt you.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t think about it.”
“How do you want me to hurt you?”
“You’re gonna be the death of me, Jeon Jintae.”
“You’ve already killed me, Eden van der Hart.”
His lips part like they were only ever made to receive my kisses, but I know that if I give them to him, I won’t be able to stop. So I have to step back. I have to see more disappointment in his eyes, no matter how much it hurts the both of us.
Picking up the axe, I turn and walk towards the lake.
From my first step on its glassy surface, my eyes focus only on the ice pick still sticking out between the two folding camp stools. And Jin just kind of follows behind me, keeping a fair distance between us until I feel him against me, wrapping his arms around me from behind.
“Oh my god, is this safe to stand on?” his voice quavers as he clings to me for dear life, like if the ice did break I wouldn’t drag him under twice as fast.
“Yes, it’s fine,” I sigh, angry at myself for not being able to show him simple affection. “It was a foot thick last week.”
“Then why is it so… clear?” After letting go of me, he walks toward a spot where a large piece of wood has settled on top of a boulder. Kneeling down, he takes off his glove and runs his bare fingers over the ice like he doesn’t believe it’s real. “Oh, shit,” he curses in shock as a small school of trout swim beneath him. “What were they?”
“Rainbow trout.”
“Won’t we scare them away?”
“Maybe,” I shrug, pulling the pick out from the ice. “I usually don’t clear the snow.”
“So why do it this time, then?” he asks, putting his glove back on.
“I thought you’d like to see it.”
I drive the blade of the axe into the ice at forty-five degrees. Small shards fly about, but within a few swings I’ve made a big enough dent to change direction.
Using my left hand, I clear away the hole, but right before I start chopping again, I feel Jin kiss my cheek. “Thank you,” he smiles whilst on all fours like a dog, having crawled towards me. “I don’t like trout, though.”
Allowing myself the indulgence, I peck him quickly on the lips. “That was naughty.”
