Page 151 of Paradox
Roasting vegetables inside for stuffing.
I’m sure Jin would be able to figure out how to make gravy.
There’d be enough meat leftover for sandwiches instead of sharing one bird between us.
If the snow is firm enough to drive on, then I could probably make a trip into the nearest town. But do I want to? It kinda feels like cheating.
I said I’d spend three months out here, and there’s still February to go.
Maybe if we get another few feet of snow we can tell Tek together. That way he’d be forced to calm down before seeing us. It could also make things worse, though. People don’t tend to like having secrets as big as this kept from them. But surely this is better than actually doing it behind his back, because I don’t know how much longer I’d have been able to let my infatuation fester before I exploded out in the real world.
Christmas would have been interesting.
I’ve spent every year with the Jeon’s since Mom and Brian left.
Tek and I move ourselves into the basement from Christmas Eve to New Years to drink and eat ourselves stupid.
Drunk me and Jintae under the same roof for a week; me still in bisexual denial yet tormented by an infatuation for the one person I’d convinced myself I hated. It would have been a shit show.
Still, the closer Christmas got, the more I thought about it.
Catching him after having a shower.
Finding him passed out from all the beers his brother gave him.
Pushing him into arguments just for the guaranteed intense interaction.
Fuck, I hated myself for that. For wanting a guy.
For making excuses as to why my girlfriend couldn’t come to visit this time.
And the more I pushed it down, the more I loathed him.
And the more I loathed him, the more I jerked off to thoughts of us hate fucking.
And the more often I came to the memory of how his pretty eyes stared at me with so much malice on his eighteenth birthday, the more I wanted to hurt him…
I brush the dry crumbs off the front of my jacket and let my head fall back against the tree.
There’s just enough sun shining through to warm my face.
It’s beautiful out here.
I love the wilderness. Give me mountains, and a big lake any day over the coast. That’s my brother's thing. He’s as SoCal as you can get. They never get a real winter there, so I’ve no idea why he wanted to spend it up here—
Fuck!
Carey.
I’ve not spoken to him since before Christmas, and Tek hasn’t mentioned him either.
I know he had him working at the shop a few days a week so… I guess he’s still there? But he’s at my apartment, too. What if he won’t leave? I wouldn’t blame him for not wanting to go back and live with Mom and Brian, and it’s not like I can kick him out, either. He’s my brother. But how willhefeel about Jin?
I need to call him.
I need to tell him, and Tek.
Not about Jin, but that I’m not here alone.
