Page 150 of Paradox
“I just wanna stay here with you forever.”
“So do I, Jin. But we need to face it sooner or later.”
“Why can’t it be later? Why can’t it always be later?”
“Cause I’m not willing to hide you forever.”
“I don’t wanna be hidden. But I… It sounds harsh, but I don’t care whether my parents approve, or not. But I can’t lose Tek."
“I won’t let that happen.”
“But how can you stop it?”
“Because if anyone is gonna lose him, it’ll be me.”
Imiss him.
It’s only been a few hours but it already feels like I’m missing a limb.
I've never really felt like this before. Not truly. Shawn and I moved in together almost immediately, drove to and from work together, and had the same group of friends. But, we also slept together within hours of meeting, so I’ll never know if love would have developed first without the sex.
And I did love her. We wouldn’t have lasted five years, otherwise. And that’s why it hurt so much that she cheated on me. Though without that pain, I wouldn't be here right now. And I’m thankful for that, because what I feel for Jin is insane. It’s almost psychotic how deeply I’m in love with him. It’s not a subtle obsession, it’sthis is me for the rest of my life.
That’s why I can’t be with him right now, and I know that sounds stupid.
Goddamn it was hard to drag myself away from bed. With him lying there, pretty eyes begging me to stay after offering up his throat to me.
It's not even about the sex. I know he won't break.
I could see in his face how rejected he felt, but I need him to know I care about him beyond what our bodies do, and I already used up all the words I know yesterday explaining to him how much he means to me—and I’ve been putting those together for weeks. So I’mshowinghim; because that’s what I know how to do. He needs food, so I bring it home for him. He likes his coffee sweet, so I drink mine straight so we don’t run out of sugar. And I’ve reached the point where I’m willing to give up my best friendandbusiness if it means I don’t lose him.
Resting back against the large tree trunk that Jin and I built a hunting blind around a few days ago, I stand my rifle beside me and take the flask from my rucksack. I pour myself some black coffee, and just sit. I forget about the grouse and pheasants, what noises to listen out for and changes in the wind, because even when I am concentrating on those things, he just comes in and pushes them all aside anyway.
As the coffee hits my empty stomach, it rumbles. My hand reflexively reaches for my rucksack again, but I withdraw it because I really can’t be bothered. Peanut butter on saltine crackers isn’t exactly a culinary delight.
I will eat them, though. Just not right now. Not while visions of Jin’s hand in mine as we walk through downtown Broadrock are flooding my head.
I could become a very poor man with him as a boyfriend. Not because he’ll expect things, but because I know I’ll buy him everything he ever looks at.
And I want him to keep studying. Not law, or medicine, or any of the other things on his parents demanding list, but what he wants. Creative writing, culinary school, whatever. And allwithout mounds of student debt he’ll have to spend the rest of his life paying off, because I’ll foot the bill. I can earn thousands in a day, and if I have to sell my half of the shop to Wootek, then I’ll go into business on my own.
I will doanythingfor Jeon Jintae.
Except cook.
That’s his job.
I’ll bake us bread, and he can do everything else.
Laughing to myself about how I’d have something more palatable to eat if I’d just let Jin out of bed, I snatch up my rucksack.
Apparently ‘later’ is now.
I need to get these crackers down and shoot some birds.
Preferably less of the grouse, and more of the pheasant kind.
A turkey would be amazing.
