Page 20 of Returning Your Love
Oh….oh fuck.
“You’re into guys too?” I whispered, unable to keep from giving him my full focus.
Jamie swallowed hard before turning his face toward the sky so I no longer had access to his eyes. “Yeah.”
I stared, beyond baffled, mind fuckingblown.
“That gonna be a problem?” he asked, taking on a defensive tone when I didn’t respond right away thanks to my unhinged jaw.
“I’m pan!” I blurted, my insides jittery as fuck. “I mean, I’ve only ever slept with Shelly, but…yeah. I’m pretty much attracted to it all. Beauty to me knows no bounds or gender, so if you’re into guys, no problem here.”
We both sat quiet, our breaths somewhat stuttering in and out into the tense stillness zapping between us. I had no fuckingclue what to say. Couldn’t ask why he’d never told me because I’d never shared my truth either.
Part of me wanted to question his sex life further, but that shit wasn’t any of my business, and I didn’t need to be thinking about Jamie having sex with another guy.
Eventually, I grew weary of leaning on my arms and lay down beside Jamie, watching pinpricks of light begin to break through the darkness overhead.
“Remember when we used to try counting the stars?” I asked, figuring it would be best to change the subject before shit got weirder than it already was.
Jamie chuckled. “Yep.”
“The depths of the unknown, all that unfathomable distance beyond this lump of rock floating in space, is humbling,” I murmured. “Kinda makes me feel inconsequential at times, you know?”
Jamie shifted, turning onto his side to face me.
My body rolled without thought, mirroring his position, and my heart rate jacked up to twice the norm.
I could still easily make out the dark blue of his eyes and the thick lashes Shelly had always envied. We’d never been this close intentionally outside bro-hugs, not with this kind of tension, the urgent need to close the gap between our bodies.
“Did you?—”
“Have you ever?—”
We both spoke at the same time and stalled out, our light laughs shaky with obvious nerves.
“Go ahead.” I urged Jamie to continue, my pulse thrumming, butterflies attacking my stomach. Did we approach dangerous territory in sharing more personal shit than we’d done before? We both identified as queer, something else we had in common, but this yearning to explore beyond friendship thrilled yetscared the fuck outta me. I’d wanted him for so long and was nothing but softened clay in his hands.
I would have difficultynotbeing shaped however he desired.
Internally, I shook my head at myself, needing to stay on the safe side of friendship where infidelity wouldn’t make me feel even shittier than I already did.
“If Shelly hadn’t been in the picture back then…” Jamie’s voice trailed off, and I waited to see what he meant to ask me.
“What?” I prompted him to continue, my tone nothing but a mere whisper, desperate for him to fill the thick air hovering over us like a heavy blanket.
He exhaled deeply, his gaze penetrating. “Do you think that maybe things could have been different between us?” he whispered.
Oh, Jesus. Fuck.
I swallowed hard, clenching my eyes shut. Why, of all the times he could have spoken up about his wonderings, did it have to be when I was already married—and to one of our friends? Honoring my wife meant lying about my feelings for Jamie, but I couldn’t do that to the man who I would have given anything to go back and choose instead of her.
I steadied myself before speaking raw truth that couldn’t be taken back or erased from his mind. But I couldn’t bear to meet his gaze. My eyelids stayed glued shut. “I only asked her out because I assumed you were straight. Didn’t dare to dream I could have you.”
Jamie cursed beneath his breath.
“It’s always been you for me, Chaz,” he whispered, his voice breaking and shattering my heart. “You’re the only one I’ve ever wanted.”
“Jamie,” I choked out his name, curling in on myself enough my knees brushed against him.
