Page 21 of Returning Your Love
He pushed hair off my forehead, and I bit back the whine rising up from deep inside my chest. “Want to kiss you so fucking bad right now.”
“I…” I shook my head against stating the same, trying like fuck to focus on what was right. “That wouldn’t be fair to Shelly.” I grasped at the memory of my wife in my mind, the war inside me one that no man should ever have to face. Devastation didn’t begin to describe the havoc wrecking my head and heart.
“Yeah.” Jamie sighed heavily and rolled away, putting space between us that was cold and goddamned wrong.
For the best.
Why didn’t that feel right either?
Chapter 7
Jamie
Neither of us slept worth a shit.
We didn’t talk after toeing the line of friendship versus fucking. Not one goddamn word passed our lips the rest of the night. Chaz shut down, but I could sense his pain radiating outward like searing rays from the summer sun, burning my skin. Warning me to take cover. Protect myself.
Couldn’t fucking do it. My insides bled, but I couldn’t push for more truth between us when he struggled enough. What sort of friend would I be if I couldn’t allow him space emotionally and mentally to get his shit figured out?
If Shelly wasn’t in the picture, the night would have ended with one or both of us balls deep in each other. A flip fuck of the century. Years’ worth of pent up lust and longing coming together in an explosive eruption of love. And cum. Fuck, ashitton of cum if my throbbing nuts were any indication of how much I would fill his ass up.
My yearning intensified, and tense silence settled over the tent. The hours slipped past before exhaustion from playing out in the sun all day took me under.
I woke to find Chaz gone from his sleeping bag, a text waiting on my cell letting me know he’d gone out to fish in the canoe before sun up. The second text required another read.
Chaz:Regardless of everything I told you, I made a vow and need to honor it. Please tell me you understand.
Unfortunately, I did.
Like me, Chaz was a fighter and didn’t quit unless he had no choice.
And I wasn’t a selfish asshole who was ruled by his dick. I just wanted the man happy. Hopefully, he would manage to find that again with Shelly, even though that meant he would never be mine in the way I found out he and I had both secretly desired for all these years.
Blowing out a miserable exhale, I stared at the top of the tent I had to myself.
Yesterday, I’d woken up to Chaz sprawled over me, heavy breaths suggesting he still slept. His cock had been hard and brushing against my thigh. In that moment, I had been a selfish prick, playing dead asleep and simply soaking in the warmth and scent of him since he wasn’t aware what he’d done. Morning wood was very real, and I’d told myself he’d simply rolled toward his bed partner like he probably did in his bed every night. Unconsciously, he’d hugged my body, thinking I was Shelly.
I should have slipped away before he’d woken up embarrassed, but I hadn’t been able to do the right thing and put distance between us. Soaking in his unintended affection had filled me clear to bursting with a rightness I’d never experienced before. Hadn’t wanted that moment to end, so I hadn’t done jack shit but pretended I slept too and was his pillow for a good ten minutes of heaven.
The second Chaz had woken, he’d gone still, tensed up and not breathing for a few seconds before his inhales suddenlycame quicker. Could have been from fear of how I might react to what he’d done while passed out, but he’d hesitated just long enough from moving away that hope thrummed through me, and Isworehe’d intentionally ground his dick against my thigh.
For the space of a few rapid heartbeats, I’d imagined him snaking a hand down my torso beneath my shorts. I fantasized about starting out the day by devouring his mouth while we jerked each other off.
Would have been fucking perfection.
But he’d rolled and almost tripped in his haste to leave the tent.
I’d stayed put until my hard-on relented, but I’d crowded against him while he cooked our breakfast to see how he would react.
Even though his entire body had shivered from my touch, he’d been cold and standoffish, settling my mind on the fact his morning wood didn’t have anything to do with who he’d clung to in his sleep. He most definitely had not sought out friction when pressing his hard cock against me.
Still, I’d felt the need to speak up, share the truth of my sexuality in case he’d realized I was awake and thought I might be all weird about what he’d done. Sure, it was a shitty conversation to explore, making Chaz possibly question his marriage, but so much had been taken away from me. I was desperate for somegoodin my life, something that would ease the ache in my chest.
Had I ruined the friendship we’d only begun to explore again?
The smart thing would be to pack my bags and head back to Boston, find work that wasn’t anywhere near or included the man I couldn’t have. Landing a job wouldn’t be too difficult. Making connections was a possibility thanks to the couple offriends I had down there, but finding love again was off the table. No one would compare to Chaz. Didn’t want anyone but him.
That idea of leaving him behind made my stomach roil, but I also wasn’t about to walk out on those high school players I’d signed a contract to coach either. My assistant coach had a full-time job and was unable to take the lead, so I was stuck for the season with no chance of moving until at least late November.
