Page 104 of Pieces of Ash
“It’ll be okay, li’l Ash,” he said, blinking back tears.
“You don’t know that,” I sobbed.
“Aw, I see. You want solid facts, huh?”
I felt his jaw clench against my cheek as I nodded.
“Okay,” said Gus, “then this is the solidest fact I know, doll baby. I love you. You and your crazy mother brought more love into my life than I ever could’ve found on my own. She was my family. You are too. I loved her, and I love you.” He leaned back, looking fiercely into my eyes. “Wewillsee each other again.”
I watched from the upstairs window as he waved goodbye and stood there, with tears streaming down my face, until the car was out of sight. Then I lay down on my bed and wept.
“Ash?” comes Julian’s voice from the sitting room. “You up here?”
I sniffle. “Y-yeah.”
“Can I come in?”
“Of course,” I say, wondering why he’s asking. After last night, he should know that he’s welcome wherever I am…unless last night was a onetime thing. Oh, no. Wait. Is that what’s happening here? Now that I’m Mosier’s bait, about to be shuttled into witness protection, has he decided he’s not interested in me anymore? It hurts my heart to even consider this thought, and I wince, pressing my hand against my chest.
“Ashley, you okay?” he asks from the doorway.
I look over my shoulder, lifting my eyes to his. “Was last night a onetime thing?”
His face, which was soft a moment ago, changes completely. First, he flinches. Then his eyes narrow at me. “Was it for you?”
“N-no. I mean, I didn’t want it to be.”
“Neither did I,” he says, his face relaxing a little.
“But I would understand,” I say, trying to be brave for his sake, “if you felt it was better not to…to…”
“To hook up anymore?”
Hook up.
Oh. Oh my god. Okay.I breathe through the pain of those two tawdry, dismissive words.Here I was, with dreams of forever, when we were only…hooking up.
I turn away from him, looking out the window at the barn, where Special Agent Simmons is setting up cameras—traps for Mosier to fall into.
“Yeah,” I whisper, the single syllable bitter on my tongue.
I close my eyes because I feel more tears coming, but fuck, I am so goddamn fucking sick to fucking cuntish bastard death of them. I search my mind for more swear words—asshole, dick, cock, fucking, fucking, fucking?—
“Ash.”
He’s moved so quietly into my room and around my bed, I don’t even realize that he’s squatted down in front of me. But when I open my eyes, there he is, on the floor, looking up at me.
His eyes—his beautiful, long-lashed eyes—are so green, I think that I will never see their equal again, and it makes me hold my breath, staring into them, focusing all my attention on them, so that my photographic memory will never be without them.
“Itmeantsomething to me,” he says.
“What?”
“Last night. Being with you. It wasn’tjusta hookup,” he says. “Last nightmeantsomething to me.Youmean something to me. I…I have feelings for you, Ashley.”
I blink at him. “But there’s no future for us, is there?”
He winces, then shakes his head, his words soft and sad. “Probably not.”
