Page 60 of Bend Him, Break Him
“This is about high school, about what I let happen, about…” Colton swallowed the words, the details, the horrors of Isaac’s begging and crying and screaming. “I’m sor—”
“Don’t.” Isaac sat up, sitting crisscrossed. “I don’t need or want apologies. I’ve never asked or expected it. All I’ve asked for is your submission, your surrender.”
“Which I’ve given in every possible way. I’ll give more if that’s what you want. I know this arrangement started as just revenge, just a way to regain some of your power, a way to take control and show authority, but there’s more to it now. I can feel it in every demand. I’ve never felt so free surrendering to someone else, giving them the reins of my pleasure.” Colton’s voice cracked. “But for over four months, you’ve quickly become my every waking thought. I can’t react without your guidance, feel without your touch, breathe without you near me. It hurts to have this much of you and feel like I don’t have anything at all.”
Isaac stared silently at Colton for almost two solid minutes. When Colton trembled, feeling too emotionally overwhelmed, Isaac reached out and steadied his shoulders, but he still didn’t speak. He just took slow breaths, helping Colton mimic them.
“I want an explanation as to why you did what you did,” Isaac said quite calmly, his voice eerily level. “I don’t want apologies. I don’t want feelings, excuses, regrets. I just want a clear, detailed explanation on why you set me up for that. Why you decided to tell the rest of your team about us.”
“I never told anyone about us,” Colton confessed, ready to unburden himself with the full truth now that Isaac wanted it.
He sat up, and both men sank into the center of the mattress a bit.
“Then, what happened?” Isaac asked. “I know we weren’t exactly couple material, and you didn’t have feelings for me, but did you really hate me that much?”
“No, never!” Colton did have feelings for Isaac; he’d had them since before he first flirted, before their first hookup. But he was so confused by untangling years of self-loathing coupled with his family’s expectations and what his friends, peers, and the world expected out of him, that Colton tried so goddamn hard to keep things simple and casual with Isaac. “The thing is, I was being too nice to you.”
Isaac snorted. “Seriously?”
“Yeah. I was so hooked on getting blown by you, spending a little time here and there with you, that I sort of dropped the ball on teasing you, mocking you, bullying the loud and proud queer kid who made everything an annoying cause, who made a town uncomfortable with the way he dressed, the things he believed, and the no bullshit allowed attitude. You had a beacon, and everyone wanted to slap you down for it.”
“I remember.”
“But I stopped. People noticed. A few guys teased me, started making accusations.” Colton almost retreated into himself, looking back on how someone’s simple assumption that he liked cock had been the most frightening thing in the world, how he thought his entire existence would crumble to ashes if it was proven to be true. “You remember Gavin?”
Isaac’s striking blue eyes turned icy and filled with rage. Of course Isaac remembered Gavin. He was the guy who led the assault in the custodian’s closet, the first person to whip Isaac with a belt, the one who encouraged the rest of the team to take shots, to punch and kick and smack Isaac again and again.
“He said he just wanted to catch you trying to do something gay, embarrass you.” Colton choked on his words, knowing now how weakly veiled the lie was, and that he just went along with it to prove he wasn’t queer, to prove he could trick some filthy homo. “They were supposed to catch you undressing, throw you out of the closet while in your underwear, and laugh. It was supposed to be Gavin and two others. Just them. But then you got undressed so quickly.”
“And they took their sweet time.” Isaac’s gaze softened, possibly recalling the same provocative kisses Colton and he had shared before the team entered.
Not on the lips, Colton hadn’t been ready then, but Isaac gave him gentle pecks on the neck, the shoulders, the chest, and he was working his way down until the door flew open.
“I didn’t know what to do when the whole team walked in.” Colton lowered his head in shame, unable to look at Isaac, realizing more and more as he revealed his part in why Isaac shouldn’t date him, why Isaac couldn’t date him. “I’m a fucking monster, I know that, and I’m sorr—”
Isaac slapped a hand over Colton’s mouth and shoved him back onto the bed. He snarled, nostrils flaring as his squeeze over Colton’s jaw tightened.
“I said no emotional bullshit,” Isaac hissed. “You’re not to blame. I see that. You were young and weak and stupid. Just like me.”
Isaac released Colton and went to have a cigarette. Colton wanted to continue, to aim for another apology, but Isaac hated the word sorry—probably because he never heard it growing up, so he taught himself to stop seeking it, to despise it instead of expecting it.
After he finished his cigarette, he returned to the bed and rolled over to face away from Colton.
“I should go.” Colton went to slip away when Isaac’s hand snatched his wrist and tugged Colton toward him.
Without resistance, Colton rolled onto his side and cuddled up close to Isaac, who wrapped Colton’s arm around his stomach. The pair spooned, sitting completely still and remaining silent.
Isaac wouldn’t advance their relationship to something public, Colton knew that much, but it did feel a bit more real now that this hidden weight between them had been removed.
“I don’t resent you,” Isaac finally said, squeezing Colton’s hand and guiding it to rest over Isaac’s heart. “I don’t hate you. I don’t want a casual nothing with you, but I’m not sure I’m ready for hand-holding or public fawning or declarations of love.”
“Love?” Colton quaked, nearly jolting up from the bed at the idea.
“I won’t say it, but I feel it.” Isaac pressed his body closer to Colton’s, ensuring every part of them touched, from their feet overlapping to the back of Isaac’s head pressed under Colton’s jaw. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same.”
“I do.” Colton kissed the crook of Isaac’s neck.
He stayed up all night, listening to Isaac’s light snooze and hugging him tighter and tighter with each passing hour. There was so much more Colton wanted, but he could wait patiently, believing they were on the right path.
