Page 14 of Only You
“Fuck!” I pull my hand back out of the engine I was working on and not really paying attention to, noticing the slight gash on my finger. It’s not too bad, but I walk over to the sink to try to clean it up anyway.
Kellan is by my side pretty quickly, assessing the damage. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Stupid mistake, but I’m fine.”
I get my hand as clean as I can, grab a bandage, and wrap my finger before going back over to the car again, but Kellan is hot on my heels. “You seem... tense.”
He says this carefully, and I chuckle, going back to work. “That’s one way to put it. I’m fine.”
“Yeah?” He looks at me, amused. Crossing his arms and just staring at me. “Do you need to get laid, Tatum?” He’s mocking me—playfully, of course—a small grin on his face.
“You offering? I don’t think your man would appreciate that very much.” I know he’s just throwing back my normal suggestion when he gets pissy, but I still feel the need to skirt around the issue.
“Don’t be an asshole,” he says, his mouth in a firm, unamused line.
“I don’t need to get laid.”
“That’s a first,” he says, and I know he’s really studying me now. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m just taking a break from hookups for a bit.” I can’t look at him, afraid my face would give too much away. I can imagine he’s wearing a shocked expression though, and I have to be honest—the wordhookupfeels a little wrong leaving my lips.
I don’t want to think about hookups right now. Thanks to Remy and his admission yesterday.
I’m not an asshole—I swear. I really don’t try to assume people’s sexualities. I may have had an inkling about him being gay, so I can’t say I was completely surprised when he said he was. The thing that really surprised me though was him saying he didn’t date.
Ever.
Like it was final, and nothing was going to change that. His eyes pleading with me not to push it. Not to ask any questions about it. But so many questions formed in my head. Does he not date because of what happened to him? Does he not feel worthy of love? Or a relationship? It’s a lot to assume, but one thing I always thought Remy would have was love.
He deserves it. All of it. Remy deserves the whole world.Now that I’ve reconnected with him—now that I know adult Remy and have been near him—I know that without a doubt. I could see it from the very beginning though. He was special. If he doesn’t think he’s worthy of love for some reason—I need him to know he is. It’s becoming a real problem for me. I can’t stop thinking about it, and evenIknow I can’t just blurt that out to him—but I want to.
Not to mention thinking about him hooking up with some random stranger last night—of him being used, it was too muchfor me to handle. I’m not judging him. Not at all. I’ve been a player since I learned how awesome orgasms with another person could be. But for Remy—I just get the feeling it’s necessity, not a want. The hookup part. That maybe he wants more but doesn’t think he deserves it, or something is holding him back.
And that just doesn’t sit right with me.
“For how long?” Kellan’s question brings me back to the conversation.
I sigh. “Does it really matter?”
“It does. It’s one of your favorite pastimes.” He leans against the car I’m working on, clearly not letting this go. “Look, I know you kind of put your life on hold for me and the kids...”
I stop what I’m doing and turn my head to look at him. “I’d do it again.”
“I know you would. But that doesn’t mean your life has to stay on hold.” I don’t miss the look of guilt on his face. “We’re good now. I think you need to get back out there.”
“Says the guy who loved to give me shit about my endless hookups,” I say with a teasing lilt. I used sex a lot—I’m not going to lie—when I needed a distraction. When I was stressed. When I wanted an escape and couldn’t go to alcohol. I definitely used it. I wouldn’t say I’m a sex addict. I didn’t really crave the act itself, per se—it was more using it as something to do to pass time until my other cravings subsided.
Fucked up. Yes.
But it worked for me. And it didn’t lead me down a destructive path. I always made sure my partners knew the deal. Except Mila. I tried to do the whole relationship thing with her and wound up kissing her best friend back when she kissed me when we were hanging out.
Okay, maybe I am a total asshole.
Boundaries are good, and I fucked up. I hurt her and realized relationships probably aren’t for me. And yeah, I’m a hypocrite too because I know that’s what Remy said—that he doesn’t date, and I can’t seem to settle that in my brain. I can’t make it make sense.
Kellan actually flinches, like he feels guilty for giving me shit, and I don’t like that at all. “I think the hookup thing was getting old for me, even before you got that call about the kids,” I admit.
He cocks his head to the side, like he didn’t expect that, and I guess that makes sense. I played it up pretty hard that I was still having a good time, but when Mila called me a whole host of names I deserved and said I was dead inside—something changed for me.
