Page 28 of Only You
“I’m here to listen to you, Raegan. And not to judge you. I don’t know any of the details of what happened with Blake, but I know he assaulted you. And I know it pisses me off that he got away with it.”
Her eyes are deadly as they lock on me, and I prepare myself to be torn apart. “He didn’t assault me. I broke his nose. If anything, I assaulted him, and I’m so tired of everyone treating me like a victim who’s going to break. I’m fine,” she snaps.
And God, how many times have I tried to convince myself I’m fine? I remember saying that exact thing to Tatum and briefly close my eyes as the pain of that day washes over me. When I open them again, Raegan is looking directly at me. Studying me. “I said that too,” I say, the words scratching my throat on the way out, like they were trying to stay inside.
“What?” Her voice is quiet.
“I said I was fine. I pushed Tatum away when he tried to get me to talk to him. He was just trying to help me, but I didn’t want to talk.”
She shakes her head slowly, her hands dropping to her sides, but she doesn’t say anything, and I know if I want her to talk to me, I’m going to have to give her more.
“Sometimes the fear of what could happen to you is even worse than what did. It makes it hard to function. To breathe. To just walk around this scary-ass world every day.”
I notice her eyes widen a little bit. Clearly, I hit on something there. “I trusted him,” she says, tears welling up in her eyes, but she doesn’t let them fall. “I just don’t understand...”
“I know,” I say quietly.
“So did something worse happen to you than just the fear of what could happen?”
My mouth is dry, my hands the opposite. They’re sweating as my heart starts to race. “It went beyond fear. But...”
“But what?” she asks, her voice shaky but also a little impatient. Like she needs me to tell her or get out and just let her wallow in her own sadness. I know I can’t leave her to do that.
I’m the one who came to her. I started this. So I owe her an explanation.
“When I was in foster care, I was moved to this house that honestly seemed like a dream compared to the places I’d been before. It was this big, nice, clean house in a great neighborhood. The family wasn’t rich, but they seemed rich as hell to me.”
She nods her head, her lips thin as she seems to understand exactly what I mean. “It was a nightmare though.” Not a question. And my heart breaks because I know she knows exactly what houses that appear so wonderful can actually be.
“The couple who took me in—they were actually fairly nice. They wanted me to be a certain way. Cut my hair nicely and wear the clothes they bought me. Be their perfect little son. I didn’t really mind it so much—but they also had a biological son.” My blood runs cold, and it takes everything in me to go on. When I see the look on Raegan’s face though, I know she’s invested. Iknow she already knows where this is going. “He was older than me—in college. There were two other foster kids in the home. Both younger than me.”
“What did he do?” she asks, and I know she’s zeroed in on their son. My monster.
“It’s something I don’t talk about, Raegan. Not ever. Not with anyone.”
“Not even Tatum?” she asks, and all the venom and anger seems to have left her for the moment.
“No,” I say, my throat aching from how dry it is and how badly I don’t want to talk. “I felt so dirty and betrayed.” Recognition fills her eyes, and she gives me a quick nod. That’s how she felt with Blake.Betrayed.“I thought he cared about me, like his parents did. I learned pretty quickly I couldn’t trust him when something happened. Something bad.”
She looks pained, and I see her discreetly wiping a tear away from her eye, but she doesn’t say anything.
“I felt lucky though.”
Her eyes go wide, and she looks horrified. “What? Why?”
“Because soon after, social services came in and removed us all from the house. A past foster kid had reported the son—Ricky— for what he’d done to them, and he was arrested. I felt lucky because he had only just gotten started with me, and I knew it could have been so much worse.”
“Sounds like it was bad enough,” she says insistently.
I nod, wanting the memories to go away but trying to keep going for Raegan. Because no one should have to suffer alone, and I need her to know I’m here. “It was. I felt so broken. I vowed never to let anyone that close to me again. I felt foolish.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You should have been able to trust him.”
A faint smile paints my lips, and I give her a nod. “And you should have been able to trust your boyfriend.”
She sighs. “But nothing happened. It’s different from what you experienced. He tried to get me to have sex with him, and I told him to stop. He didn’t, and then I broke his nose.”
“The part where you told him to stop, and he didn’t...” I look at her pointedly. “That’s what he did. That’s what happened. It was betrayal and assault. And you need to talk to someone about it, Raegan, so it doesn’t fester.”
