Page 15 of Just Dare Me
“It’s never been an exact science. You know that. I think it’s no coincidence that it’s coming out after you left the pack. Something inside you was triggered. Could be it’s been dormant all along, just waiting for you to need it.”
Tears sting my eyes. “Well, I don’t! I don’t need this. Just one more thing to deal with. As if I wasn’t already losing control ofeverything. Now my own body is turning against me?”
This is too much. I was barely treading water after everything fell apart with my family, and then Little Bunica shifted for the last time. That would have crushed me if I didn’t have Jay for a lifeline. I clung to him with both hands, until Jay too was ripped away, and then there was nothing to do but drown.
Since then, Nora and everybody have done their best to keep me afloat, but it’s been months now, with disappointment after disappointment, and the Windsor clan keeps getting in our way, and I have to live in a place where I’m constantly reminded of the kind of relationship I lost, and now I probably can’t even live there because my own body is betraying me.
I twist the steering wheel with both hands, as though I’m strangling somebody—no one in particular, just life itself. I want it to submit to my will. Then all feeling goes numb inside me. Placing my forehead on my hands, I completely lose it. I don’t care that Nolan is seeing me like this. I just want to let go of all care. I let pitch black despair wash over me with loud sobs that just keep coming, wave after wave.
Nolan waits it out. He’s not the touchy-feely type, but he is good at being present—he’ll never make you feel like he’d rather be somewhere else, even if that’s what he might be thinking. I’ve always admired that about him, though I’ve never said as much. There’s a lot of things I should say to Nolan—things I should have been saying to him for a long time. Things like “Thank you,” or how about “I’m sorry.” But I can’t. I can’t seem to do any of the things I should be doing, not until I find Jay. It’s like I’m blocked, emotionally. I’m just spinning my wheels.
The storm passes. I take a big breath and release it. The last of my tears pool at the tip of my nose and drip onto the steering wheel. Nolan searches the glove box for a tissue, but only finds my Ardee Todd bobblehead. He places it on the dash and gives the head a tap.
“What am I supposed to do?” I ask between sniffs. “With this dominance, I mean. How do I…is it just there now, and there’s nothing I can do about it?”
“The worst thing you can do is nothing.”
“Okay, so tell me. How do I get on top of this? How do I keep it under control?”
“Careful. You don’t want to think of it that way. You’re not trying to control your dominance. That’ll only make it worse. If you try to block it or hold it back—if you try to make it submit to you—it’s just going to build and build, until finally it just breaks out of you at the slightest annoyance.”
“Like when somebody tells my dog to get lost.”
“Right. And just like that—” He snaps his fingers.
“Okay, so…don’t bottle it up.”
“Don’t bottle it up. Don’t try to use itless. Try to use itmore. Use it constantly. All the time.”
“What?”
“I know, it sounds counter intuitive.”
“Uh, yeah.” I slap Ardee Todd’s head so he nods in vigorous agreement with me.
“That’s because you’re thinking of dominance only as a show of force, when really that’s just the tiniest part of it. Alphas wouldn’t last long if they just went around bullying everybody. The truth is, the best way to express dominance is through honesty of emotion.”
“Shut the hell up.”
“I’m serious. This is important, Shayne. I’m talking about saying what you mean, and meaning what you say.”
“Okay, but only as long as what I’m saying and meaning is physically violent, right?”
“No, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. Dominance is not an arm wrestling contest. It’s more about always making good on your word. It’s about never making an empty promise, good or bad. Think about it, Shayne. If everybody knows that I don’t bullshit, I don’t lie or exaggerate—not ever, not about anything—if everybody knows that when I say something, I mean it, no matter what, then what response am I going to get when I warn somebody to back off, or else I’ll rip their face off?”
“They’re going to back off.”
“Or else, what?”
“Or else you’ll rip their face off.”
“But will I have to rip their face off?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re going to back off.”
