Page 28 of Malliko
Jeremy looked up from his phone and I felt disappointed that he didn't even smile.
“What's this?”
Brushing my hands over my black dress, I answered, “I made myself look good for the dinner.”
“But I thought I told you that you're not coming.”
My mouth opened as I stared at him. “No, you didn't tell me.”
In a tone of annoyance, Jeremy told Jamison to turn down the volume on the TV. Then he got up, grabbed his keys, and walked to the door. “You wouldn't like it. The food is... Well, it's not exactly burgers and burritos. I don't want you to sit there and feel stupid when we talk about things you don't understand.”
I stared at him, feeling humiliated by his lack of trust in me. “You don't want me there, do you? Now that you're dining with educated people, you're afraid they won't find me sophisticated enough. Is that it?”
Standing by the door, Jeremy threw a dismissive hand gesture. “Look, you've been working really hard, and the boys haven't seen you much. They see your mom more than they see us. Can't you just be happy that you'll have a night with the boys?”
The question I asked next was one that had been growing inside me for years but one that I had avoided asking. Walking closer to him, I didn't like the way he avoided looking into my eyes. “Jeremy. Do you even love me?”
He looked down at his phone, his face impassive and showing nothing. Then his nostrils expanded as he breathed in deeply. “I don't think we should have this discussion now.”
I stared at him, knowing his answer to my question without him saying it out loud. There was a numbness that spread inside me at that point as I watched him turn and put his hand on the door handle.
“When did you stop loving me?”
Jeremy stiffened for a moment, but he didn't answer before he walked out the door looking the best that I had ever seen him.
He didn't come home that night. Or the next night. Nor did he answer any of my text messages or calls.
When he finally showed up, it was to inform me that he had fallen in love with a young woman who was in college. She had been assigned to him during a summer internship. The part that hurt the most was when he told me that his new girlfriend, Shanice, was the smartest woman he had ever met. Those were the exact same words he had used with me when we were high school students.
Of course, back then I had been an honor student and on track to become the valedictorian. That was until I got pregnant.
As I sat in my chair for a moment shaking off the sad memories of my divorce, every part of my body felt like it weighed a ton.
Today at the office, Malliko had asked me why I didn't date. My answer about being scared of serial killers was an excuse I had used for years. Dying wasn’t my worst fear at all. What kept me back from dating was the fear of trusting anyone again.
Looking around my apartment, I tried to use my mother's method of having gratitude for the things I did have. But no real gratitude came up inside me. Everything here was bought cheap from secondhand stores. There was nothing here that I would take with me if there was a fire. Nothing that I felt any sort of affection for.
Holding the glass up in front of me, I considered getting another bottle. It was tempting to drink away my sorrows and allow myself to slip further into the black hole of self-pity that I was trying so hard to climb my way out of.
It was a good thing that Malliko didn't know how sad and lonely my life was, or he probably wouldn't ask me questions as if my opinion mattered to him.
His offer to go with me to a sex club was roaming through my mind. I had never been to a club. But then again there weremany things that I’d never done because good girls didn't do that sort of thing.
Who would know though?
I had few friends here and no member of my family was in town. I didn’t fear meeting Jeremy in a sex club since he seemed more like the kind of guy who would go to a strip club and get a lap dance.
What if I was brave?
The question came from within and made me stare into the air with a blank expression on my face. It wasn't like I had anything to lose, really. I had done everything right and yet my boys didn't want to see me. At work, I observed users of the Go2Match having fun exploring their sexuality and often I had admired their courage and wondered what it would feel like to be that brave. I didn't have a boyfriend or a partner so in theory nothing was holding me back–except myself.
The thought of showing myself naked or dressed in lingerie in front of Malliko freaked me out. I hadn't worked out in years, but then I lived modestly and didn't indulge in large amounts of food. And I always took the staircase when possible. At thirty-four I was in decent shape, and from moderating chats online I’d seen men say that they liked women with shapes and curves.
Getting up from my chair, I moved to my bedroom. It was tiny and I could only walk sideways around my queen-sized bed. Digging through my closet, I found the pitiful assortment of lingerie that I had in my drawers.
One set was unused but without trying it on, I could tell it was too small. Two of the other sets had once been white but years of washing the fabric had turned them a weird gray color. Picking up the fourth set, I turned the black bodystocking around. It was see-through in places and had cute lace around the edges.
Trying it on, I pushed my breasts into position and closed the door so I could see myself in the full-sized mirror on the back side. Tilting my head from right to left and back again, I watched my reflection.
