Page 24 of Maximum
CHAPTER7
Motherhood
Fleur
I watched the red lights on the alarm clock turn to 3:27. Turning on my other side, I closed my eyes again trying desperately to fall back asleep.
With Ireland and South Africa in the same time zone, I couldn’t blame my insomnia on jet lag, although, to be fair, the long journey had messed up my sleeping schedule.
Maximum’s breathing was slow and steady, but he didn’t snore like Pierre used to.
It was like the bed was full of ants, making it impossible to find rest, except if it were ants, I could have communicated with them and told them to leave or easily lured them away with sugar. My thoughts were not as easy to deal with.
Maximum’s careless lie that I was pregnant had brought back a myriad of emotions that I’d blocked for years. Back when I’d married Pierre at the age of eighteen, I’d wished for a child right away. I was raised to have simple goals in life and I’d always been drawn to motherhood and thought of it as the most natural thing.
Only, Pierre had turned out to be infertile. He blamed it on a biking accident in his youth.
After three years of marriage, I’d begged him to apply for adoption with me, but with our nomadic lifestyle, our application had been rejected. The life as a wildlife photographer was adventurous and amazing, but also unstable and in order for us to adopt, we’d have to make sacrifices such as getting jobs that paid a steady income and committing to one place of living.
It would have been natural for me to pick up a camera like my parents, but Pierre was critical the times I tried. Instead, he convinced me that we were better off working as a team with him taking the pictures and me using my gift of calming the animals. We got closer than anyone and Pierre won prizes for his work. Never did he mention that I was his secret to getting the animals to allow him close without running.
My thoughts ran over his words from earlier tonight that we’d been each other’s great love. I used to think that, but as I grew older and wiser, I’d finally seen that what he loved most about me was what I could do for him and his career.
Maximum stirred next to me and opened his eyes. “What’s wrong?” he asked and closed his eyes again.
“Nothing.”
He groaned and turned on his back, placing his arm across his face. “Your thoughts are so loud that they woke me up.”
“Go back to sleep.”
He sighed. “Is it the pregnancy thing that keeps you up?”
“Maybe.” I rolled to my back as well and stared at the ceiling.
“I said that I’m sorry.”
“I’m not angry with you.”
“Then what is it?”
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”
Maximum turned his face and I could feel him watching me. “Clearly the idea of motherhood means a lot to you. Why would you give that up?”
“I’m wondering the same thing.”
We were quiet for a while before I spoke again. “I looked into it about a year ago, but it’s expensive and I didn’t have the money.”
“What’s expensive?”
“Insemination.”
Propping himself up on his arm, Maximum scoffed. “Why would you choose that solution?”
I bit down on my lip. “If I tell you a secret, will you promise not to think less of me?”
“Depends on what you tell me.”
