Page 79 of The Outcast
“Hmm.”
“Banni.” I took his hand.
“Mm-hmm?” He moved closer to me and weaved our fingers together.
“I feared that you were keeping your distance because your government had called you home and you didn’t know how to tell me.”
“If that were the case, don’t you think Aubri would have told you?”
“Everybody is acting different, even her.”
Banni’s face softened. “Sparrow,mon amour, I admit that I haven’t been myself, but it’s not because I have secrets from you. We’re all reeling from the shock of what happened. You’re like a vase of fine china that we glued back together after a major crash. We’re all afraid that the glue won’t hold, and we’ll lose you again.”
“Keith is dead. He can’t come back and hurt me.”
“True, but what he did to you could affect you long-term.” Banni looked down at our intertwined fingers and stroked my knuckles. “I dreaded that he raped you and that you wouldn’t want to be close to me.”
Tapping my free hand on the mattress, I invited him to come closer. “Why don’t you come over on this side and I’ll show you that I’m not afraid of you.”
When he complied and opened his arms to me, I curled up against him. “More than ever, I want you close to me now. Do you want to know why?”
He nodded.
“You’re the complete opposite of Keith. With you I’ll never have to worry that you would get crazy and possessive.”
Banni kissed the back of my hand. “We might have the reverse problem though.”
I sighed. “Aubri told you about my jealousy? In my defense I was a child.”
“That’s not what I was talking about. I meant reversed in the way that it’s hard for me to ask for your attention when doing so would be seen as clingy and unattractive where I’m from.”
“I don’t mind you being a little clingy. It’s all about balance, I suppose. If you don’t ask for my attention at all, I’ll end up being the one feeling clingy when I demand yours.”
Banni was thoughtful as his fingers played with my hair. “I was never someone’s priority, which is why asking for your attention feels selfish. This week has been extremely hard for me. There were times when I thought about barricading your door from the inside to have some alone time with you.”
I smiled. “I wish you had. I wouldn’t have minded that at all.”
For a long moment we sat staring into each other’s eyes, smiling wide and holding hands.
“What did you mean about the thing you said before? About you being jealous as a child.”
I rubbed my nose, looking down. “It’s just that as a child I had to share my parents with all the students at the school. I didn’t handle my jealousy well. I thought Aubri might have told you about my antics.”
He shook his head.
“I’m not proud of my behavior, but in my defense every child wants their parents to put them first.” My hand flew to my mouth. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s okay.”
“You didn’t have parents and here I am complaining about sharing my parents’ attention. That was thoughtless of me.”
Banni stroked my hand. “I had plenty of adult contact as a child. I didn’t have parents, but I had caretakers, mentors, and teachers who for the most part were good people.”
I smiled. “I’m glad to hear it. There’s something I wanted to tell you.”
“You can tell me anything.”
“I spoke to Freya about us.”
