Page 96 of The Ruler
She wet her lips. “It’s painful to see you so emotional.”
“Why? What’s wrong with emotions?”
“Nothing as long as they’re serving you,” she said softly. “Expressing anger isn’t very constructive if you want to make a point.”
“Are you sure about that?” I asked with a sharp tone. “What if my point is to make you understand that I’m severely angry?”
“But anger doesn’t benefit anyone.”
“I disagree,” I said and locked eyes with her. “Anger isn’t my ruler,Mom. It’s my tool!”
“Your tool?”
“The strongest tool I have to fight injustice.” I spread my arms, looking around in the room full of nice and soft furniture with no sharp edges to do self-harm. “I’m angry that you brought me here. I’m angry that you think you know better than me although you have limited knowledge of the Nmen. I’m angry that I have to leave the man I love and defend my actions to you. I’m angry that people I trusted and respected turned on me when my agenda no longer supported theirs.”
I narrowed my eyes. “And you know how I use my anger?”
My mother’s mouth was nothing but a thin line as she watched me.
“I use anger as my fuel,” I said slowly.
“But maybe if you focused on something positive instead.”
I drew in a deep breath, stoking the fury in my chest.
“Pearl, darling, positive thoughts are much more constructive and they make youfeelbetter.”
“Then why didn’t you think positive thoughts when I told you I wanted to stay with Khan?”
“There’s nothing positive about that,” my mother said, her words clipped.
“No?” I pulled up my sleeves and squared my shoulders. “I’ll help you then.” Tapping my finger on my chin I started. “Let’s see, isn’t it positive that your daughter is happy? Or how about the fact that my relationship with the ruler of the Northlands gave hope that a Motlander could influence the Nmen to make positive changes. Isn’t that positive?”
My mother remained silent.
“It’s okay, I can see you need help thinking positive thoughts.” I pressed on. “How about the fact that the first inclusion project is now ready to start: to educate young Nboys to respect and value women as equals?”
When my mother still didn’t speak, I lashed out. “Looks to me like you’re the one who needs to look at the positives instead of focusing on the negatives.”
“I’ll be back tomorrow,” she said. “Hopefully you’ll be calmer then and more yourself.”
I turned my back on her but before she left I looked over my shoulder and pressed out three words, low and pained. “I trusted you!”
In my work, I had visited places of reflection before and spoken to the staff about the needs of people living there.
Peace, tranquility, connectedness, nature, and guided meditations were the basis of places like this, and nobody left until they were deemed back in balance.
Knowing full well how “balance” looked, I would have to swallow my emotions and channel my anger into smiles if I wanted out of here.
A friendly staff member came in wearing a green jumpsuit and smiled at me with concern. “May peace surround you, and welcome to Timeless Happy,” she said. “How are we doing today?”
We?I wanted to tell her that there was no “we” and that I knew her tricks for making me feel included, but it wasn’t necessary, that I wasn’t staying and I didn’t need her help. But saying those things aloud would be seen as negative and wouldn’t serve me.
“May peace surround you too,” I said and walked over to take her hands. Imagining that the woman was Christina, I poured gratitude and warmth into my greeting with this stranger and could see her smile grow bigger.
“Your mother expressed concern about you,” she said and I laughed, untroubled.
“It goes both ways. My mom is getting forgetful and it’s getting harder for her to stay open-minded about things she doesn’t understand. She worries, like most parents,” I chuckled. “The problem is that when your mom is a council member, she tends to take things a bit too seriously.”
