Page 124 of River
As a girl, I hadn’t understood what I was watching. The sounds from Elsie had confused me, but now that I’m an adult re-watching my memory from that night, I feel such pity for Elsie.
Laila’s voice reaches me: “Remember, you are safe, and no one can hurt you now. What happens next?”
I hadn’t spoken as memories assaulted me of how Conor had sat down on the bed again. “Conor sucks on her breast and asks her to straddle him. I watch Elsie climb up on the bed and place her knees on each side of his thighs. She’s balancing herself with her hands on his shoulders. I can see his stiff penis pointing up at Elsie between her legs. Conor is talking to her.”
“What does he say?”
“‘You’re such a good girl, sweet Elsie. Nice and slow like the last time.’” I frowned as I watched memories of Conor holding on to her hips and pushing her down.
“She doesn’t like it. She says it hurts. She’s crying.”
“You’re safe, River. He can’t hurt you.”
“I can hear him talking to her and shushing her. ‘You’re so special to me, sweetheart. Am I special to you too? You want to make me happy, don’t you?’ He’s not stopping even though she’s crying. He’s moving her up and down.” My tone of voice still sounded drowsy as I spoke, but inside my head, I was fully alert and watching with disgust. “I want to help Elsie, but I’m scared of Conor, so I back away from the door and leave the office.”
“It’s time for you to return to your body, River. I’m going to count you back from ten. Just breathe and follow my voice, and when you feel ready, open your eyes.” Laila counted backward from ten, and when she reached three, I opened my eyes and blinked.
“Welcome back.”
I sat up and pulled my legs up under me.
Noah sat leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He looked like he’d just been through the wringer, with his hair tousled and his eyes wary.
“How do you feel?” Laila asked me and handed me a glass of water.
“Angry.” The water spilled over as I moved with jerky movements.
“Can you sum up the memory you just unlocked?”
“I witnessed my friend getting molested as a child.”
The fear I’d felt when we began this session had been replaced by anger.
“Would you like to go back and explore if there were any incidents of this happening to yourself?”
“There wasn’t!” My voice was firm.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes! This was it.” I pushed the blanket away. “I must have been too young for Conor’s taste because he never invited me inside that room.”
“Did he ever touch you?” Laila asked.
“No. He enjoyed messing with my head, making me think I would end up as crazy as my mom. Maybe he was grooming me to be a pliable victim for his perverted tendencies, but I escaped that house before it got that far.”
Noah moved in his chair. “Are you sure?”
Yes.” I couldn’t say how I knew for certain except there was a clarity inside me.
“That means you weren’t sexually molested yourself,” Laila said and made a note on her pad of paper. “That should be a relief...”
“It is.”
“What about Lumi? She was older than you. Do you think she was molested?” Laila asked me. We had talked about my family members in previous sessions.
“No. I asked Lumi once, and she was adamant that Conor never touched her that way. Maybe because Lumi slept with her mother all the way up to our last night at the manor.”
“Can you see why you carried a fear of intimacy with you for all these years?”
