Page 123 of River
CHAPTER 32
Therapy
River
I was under a warm blanket with soft music playing, and my therapist, Laila, talking in a monotone voice as she eased me into a hypnotic state.
Noah was in the corner, lending me his strength but keeping quiet.
Doing the breathing exercises that my therapist led me through, I felt myself fall deeper and deeper into a changed state. And then sounding somewhere far away, Laila said,
“As you breathe out, you’ll find yourself back in the Red Manor.”
In my mind’s eye, I saw the room I’d shared with my mother.
“Yes.”
“How old are you?” Laila asked and sounded ethereal, as if she was floating above me in a different dimension.
“Seven.”
“What do you see?”
“I’m in my old room, but my mum isn’t here. I miss her, and I don’t like to sleep alone.”
“What happens next?”
I told Laila about stepping out of my bed and sneaking through the house to my mother, who was sleeping in an empty room without a mattress, pillow, or duvet. “She tells me to go back to bed and that she loves me, but I don’t go back. I go to Elsie’s room, and she lets me sleep with her.”
“Who is Elsie?”
“She lives at the manor too. She’s twelve and like a big sister to me.”
“And then what happens?”
“We’re in her bed, and I’m almost asleep when he comes.” My memories flow to me, but the emotions they evoke are subdued.
“Who is he?”
“Conor. I recognize his voice when he whispers for Elsie to be quiet and not wake me up.”
I stop talking for a while, memories of Elsie getting out of bed and following Conor playing in my inner cinema. “I follow them and listen by the door to his office, but I can’t hear anything, so I sneak inside.”
“What do you see?”
“It’s empty, but one of the bookshelves is open like a door ajar, and I can hear his voice. I walk over to understand how the bookshelf can be a doorway because I never knew that it was. There’s a red book on the third shelf that’s tilted outward. It says,Hiking Trails in Southern France.”
“What happens next?”
“I’m upset that Conor has showed Elsie his secret and not me. I feel cheated and tiptoe to the opening and look inside.” I breathe calmly as I lie on Laila’s divan, even though the seven-year-old version of me whose eyes I’m looking through is clearly agitated.
“What do you see?”
“The room is mostly dark, but I see Conor sitting on a bed with Elsie in his lap. He’s talking to her and making her smile.” My speech is slow and sounds a little slurred, as if communicating from what happened almost twenty years ago is making the connection between Laila and me bad.
“I’m jealous of Elsie for getting all Conor’s attention, but then he pulls off her nightdress and whispers something that makes her look away. She’s almost naked now with only her white knickers left, and he’s kissing her shoulders, telling her she’s beautiful and his favorite. Elsie doesn’t do anything; she just sits there, and I don’t understand what’s going on.” I trail off as I watch Conor move Elsie off his lap and stand in front of him.
“He’s telling her to take off her knickers and show him her body. I can’t see her face anymore, but I watch as she complies. Elsie looks like a grown-up in my eyes. She has developed breasts and hair on her vagina. Now Conor gets up from the bed too. He takes off his clothes at an unhurried pace and stands naked in front of Elsie. From where I’m spying on them, I can see his penis is limp, but then he pushes at her shoulders, and now she’s on her knees, blocking my view. I’m so confused.”
