Page 113 of Tangled Hearts
Beck smiles, and to my surprise, it reaches his sleepy blue eyes. “Sure. Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had one of you brothers in my bed. I know there’s still a lot you need to learn about this family.Ourfamily.Yourfamily. We lean on each other during hard times.” Of course they do. I’ve seen it. “The first time I met Julian, Wren was sick. Did you know that?”
I shake my head.
Beck hums. “Aplastic anemia. Holden and Julian were falling in love, and Wren was in and out of the hospital. Julian was a fucking mess, understandably.” Beck leans back against the couch, settling in and getting comfortable. “He didn’t know how to let people be there for him, either. Didn’t know how to open up and lean on the people who love him.”
“That’s different, though,” I argue. “You guys don’t love me.” Eli might. Hopefully. Holden does, I think. Not that we’ve said it out loud to each other. I sure as fuck love Holden. I have since I knew he existed.
Beck laughs, soft and incredulous. “Why would you say that? That we don’t love you?”
I shrug. “Why would you? I haven’t done anything to earn it.”
Beck turns to face me, the smile sliding off his face. “What makes you think love has to be earned?” I open my mouth to speak, but he shakes his head, and I fall silent. “That’s not how it works. Love isn’t some metric you have to measure up to and deserve. And in case you’ve missed it somehow, we give love pretty fucking freely in this family.”
I nod, too stunned to do anything else. “But…”
“But nothing. I had Wren calling me Uncle Beck days after I met her. Because she was part of Julian, and Julian was part of Holden, and Holden was part of me. And thenyoucame along. And we loved you too. Instantly. The second Holden called us to tell us about you, I already loved you. And now? Now that I know you? Now that Eli loves you?” My heart skips a beat. God, I so fucking hope Eli loves me. “Now I love you infinitely more.”
“But I hurt him,” I whisper, shame threatening to close my throat.
Beck nods. “You did.” My chest aches, almost caving in to have that confirmed, even though I already knew. “But you were hurt too. What you saw was hard. It was hard for both of you. Fuck, it was hard for me, and all I had to do was listen to Eli tell us about it. You didn’t leave because you don’t care about Eli, right?”
“Of course not. I left because I—” My voice cuts off as more tears trickle out of my eyes and down my cheeks.
Beck places a hand on my thigh and squeezes. “Because you were scared.”
“Yeah,” I choke out.
“Holden used to be scared too. For different reasons than you, but the reason doesn’t much matter—the fear is the same. Roman told him to be scaredwithJulian, not without him.”
“Wise words.”
“Indeed,” Beck says, nodding. “Roman and I know a thing or two about running because of fear. We lost ten years of our livesto fear—ten years we’ll never get back, and we don’t like to see our mistakes repeated. You don’t have to be fearless. You just have to be present. That’s what we’re here for. That’s what familyis.”
I swallow hard, my fear almost choking me. “What if he doesn’t forgive me?”
“He already has. He spent half the night crying over Holden and half the night crying because he was worried about you being alone.”
I rub my hand over my chest like that somehow might stem the pain blooming there. “And I spent the whole night feeling sorry for myself instead of being there for him like I promised him I’d be.” Fuck, I called Silas. I talked to Silas just so I wouldn’t have to face my failures. “I can’t help but feel like he deserves someone better than that.”
Beck surprises me by laughing. “Roman used to say the same thing about me. And Holden about Julian. And Eli about his place in our family. God, that kid was convinced foryearsthat we were going to give him back.”
“That’s ridiculous. You guys are amazing. And Eli is… fuck, he’s…everything.He deserves everything.”
“So he doesn’t have to earn love, but you do?”
Those words stop me dead. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
Beck raises an eyebrow at me. “Isn’t it, though?”
I look down at my hands, trying to ignore the way they’re starting to tremble. “It’s different.”
Beck scoffs. “Why? Because it’s you? Everyone in the world deserves love except you? Should you have walked away last night? No. But we all make mistakes. That doesn’t make us undeserving of love.” I nod, my eyes burning again. “Come home with me, please? I understand why you didn’t last night. I do, but today is a new day. You came here looking for family, Nic. And now you have us. Let us be there for you.”
“What if Eli doesn’t want to see me?” I whisper, still staring at my hands.
“Not even going to dignify that with a response. Go shower. I’ll let Kassie out and get her stuff together to bring with us. Charge your phone too. I tried calling this morning, but it kept going to voicemail, so I’m assuming it’s dead. Then we’ll go home.”
Beck’s tone has a certain finality to it, and truthfully? I don’t want to argue anyway. What’s the point? It’s not like every single part of me isn’t aching to have Eli in my arms. It’s not like I’m not dying to apologize to him and tell him I love him and kiss his beautiful face.
