Page 110 of Tangled Hearts
I push to my feet and lead her into the backyard. I’m struggling to stay standing, so as soon as she runs off to do her business, I sit on the grass. The wetness from the dew seeps into the material of my pants, chilling me further, making my shaking worse until my teeth are almost chattering with the force.
Kassie nudges me, likely trying to help me out of my little spiral. She’s good at that. Especially with Eli. I’m not sure it can help me. I’m not sure anything can right now.
That’s a lie.
Eli could. If he was here, I’d wrap him up in my arms and hold him close to me. Keep him safe. I’d probably feel a lot safer myself.
A shiver races down my spine, and Kassie thumps her tail against the ground as she paws her way into my lap and sprawls across me. I bury my face in her fur, not too proud to take the comfort she’s offering. “I’m okay, girl,” I whisper.
She lets out a little huff, nosing at my stomach. I wonder how many times she’s heard that lie from Eli. How many times has he cuddled her just like this? How many times has she stayed with him through nightmares and listened to him cry?
Guilt claws at my chest. I’m not even sure what we did wrong. WhatIdid wrong. But it had to be something. Ithadto be. After Beck and Roman were so okay with everything, I just assumed Holden would be too. I’d convinced myself of it. Thought for sure he’d be accepting.
I have no idea what that was, but it was not accepting.
Something about my relationship with Eli…triggeredhim. Which is so much worse than him just not approving. Something about us being togetherhurthim so badly emotionally that he hurthimselfphysically.
Bile climbs up my throat, and I lurch forward, shoving Kassie off me as I retch into the grass. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I work to catch my breath, and when my stomach is empty and the pressing urge to vomit again passes, I stand up. “C’mon, Kas,” I choke out.
She follows me into the house and jumps on the couch. I walk past her, heading to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
I really might have fucked up. I should have gone with Eli. I should have taken Beck up on his offer, even if it was a pity offer. It would have been better than being here alone.
The second my toothbrush hits my tongue, I almost gag. Not from the toothbrush itself, but because of the images in my head—the look on Holden’s face as he hit the ground, the way Eli yelled at Julian to leave him alone, Eli’s cracking voice and silent tears.
I grip the edges of the sink, trying like hell to calm my racing heart and regulate my breathing. How did everything get so fucked up? I stare down at my hands. I really should wash them. It takes practically no time to wash the blood away, but even when the water runs clear, all I can see is pink. The literal blood on my hands from Holden.
My stomach twists again. I keep scrubbing. Scrubbing and scrubbing until my fingers are red and tingling. Until they’re raw and aching. When I finally shut the water off, I feel wrung out, like a part of me just went down the drain too.
I stumble into my bedroom. The weight of Eli’s absence is even heavier here. We didn’t make the bed this morning. Why would we? We barely had time. The blankets are still twisted up. Still ruined fromthis morning. God, how was it just this morning he was pliant and fucked-out in my arms, too blissed to even worry about the time?
My throat goes tight, my hands trembling. I turn and leave the room, wandering aimlessly through the house. There’s nothing here that doesn’t have Eli. Not a single place where I can’t feel his presence like a ghost.
Kassie’s still curled up on the couch, her eyes following my every move, so I sit down beside her. I let my fingers trail through her fur, let myself take comfort from her.
I need someone to talk to. But I fucked up my one someone. I ruined him. And I left my other someone crying, begging me not to go.
My chest aches. Hell, my whole body does.
I fish my phone out of my pocket and pull up my messages.
No one has texted or called.
Of course they haven’t. Why would they?
I open my contacts, scrolling through them. My finger hovers over Mom. Fuck, I wish she was here. She’d know what to do. She’d know what to tell me. She always did. I keep scrolling, an ache forming behind my eyes.
I pause when I get to Silas, my throat closing up for a whole new reason. Is this my life? Is it somehow my fault? Am I destined to live my life having people, loving people, and losing them? Over and over again?
He hurt me. Worse than anyone in my life ever has. He destroyed me. With zero regard for anyone but himself. But am I any better? I did the same. I broke Holden. All because I wanted Eli. How is what I did any better? How can I hate him for the same crime I’m guilty of? Leo was never his to have. And Eli was never supposed to be mine. That thought makes my heart jolt.
Of course he was supposed to be mine. He’s the only thing in my life that’s ever made any sense to me.
But at what cost?
At what fucking cost?
Silas was once the person who knew me better than anyone. The person I shared everything with. That’s why his betrayal hurt so much, right? He knew how to reach me when no one else could. Maybe he can still do that.
