Page 87 of Doubts of the Egoist
Yugo’s desperate actions disturbed and confused him.
Could it be I’ve made a mistake? Could it be Yugo really likes me?
Even if he tried, he couldn’t come up with a good enough excuse to support this theory. Unless Yugo had deliberately brought Mio home to hurt him, but that was hardly any better than cheating.
His tired eyes shifted to his arm, where a Band-Aid covered the inside of his elbow. He peeled it off. A fresh bruise surrounded a crimson puncture mark; a few drops of old blood stained the white padding.
Why can’t I remember all this?
The recent memory loss was disturbing. He doubted that Yugo had treated him himself. More likely, they had visited a clinic or a doctor, but he had no memory of that.
His fingers found the stitches by his temple. The touch hurt, and theshhhhof the shower aggravated the pressure in his head. He wanted to curl up on the floor and sleep, or at least turn off the water, but he feared that the sudden silence would summon Yugo, ending his solitude.
The sound of shattering glass made Kuon flinch. Screeching and clattering drifted from the bedroom, followed by heavy thumps and metal clanging, painting a picture of Yugo’s angry outburst. He didn’t want to get out. Too drained to endure more insults, he crouched down and hid his light-sensitive eyes in his forearms folded on his knees.
Water poured down on his shoulders. The warmth soothed and lulled him into a semi-hypnotic state, where thesounds of Yugo destroying the bedroom reached him dulled and harmless, as if from another dimension.
Kuon didn’t know how long he stayed that way, but his heart slowed, and his skin nearly stopped throbbing. Though his chest still burned, the pain hardly distracted him from the alertness the sudden silence instilled.
He unglued his eyelids and strained his ears, but heard nothing behind the hissing shower. Kuon sighed, then turned off the water and left the bathroom before Yugo came to collect him.
Wet spots andsharp shards of broken glass on the floor gleamed in the brilliant daylight. The harsh smell of alcohol hung heavy in the air. Ice cubes scattered on the floor and dark streaks on the stone surrounding the fireplace suggested that Yugo had thrown a glass of whiskey against it. The half-empty square bottle in the man’s hand confirmed it.
The curtains were drawn back; the relentless sun flooded the room, saturating the dark wood with a warm, cozy glow. The silk wallpaper shimmered, and the shafts of light from the mirrors pierced the room, making the dust glitter in the breeze. Even the wolf pelt looked different, almost alive, as if a sleeping beast might stir at any moment to stretch its numb limbs. This magical serenity stung his eyes and triggered another cognitive dissonance. He wished the curtains had stayed closed.
Yugo stood by the window, bathed in a warm radiance. Sunlight tangled in his tousled raven hair, shot through with icy blue. Kuon knew he’d heard him come in, as Yugo’s naked back tensed, powerful muscles rolling under his perfectly smooth skin. Yugo had already changed into white linen pants with a drawstring waistband. Where the fabric clung to his tightbuttocks, his skin showed through, ruling out underwear. At another time, Kuon would have found the sight erotic. Now, it alarmed him, reminding him of their first sexual encounter.
Yugo didn’t turn to face him. With his gaze on the sun-drenched landscape beyond the window, he took a few greedy swigs, draining a fifth of the content.
Unsure what to expect anymore, Kuon dragged his gaze around. The tall canopy bed once again bore BDSM fittings and chains. Linens that had been perfectly straightened when he’d entered the bathroom lay crumpled; a duvet and pillow were piled on the floor at the foot of the bed.
Gusts of wind breaking into the room chilled the trickles of water on his skin. Goosebumps erupted. He glanced down at the red and purple hickeys and the bloody streaks on his chest. Covering up the source of irritation would be the first stone in building a bridge of negotiation, so he turned to the wardrobe and froze. It yawned at him, a black void. Some shelves were broken, and all of them—empty. Even Yugo’s formal clothes were gone.
“Seriously? Are my clothing privileges now revoked? Funny. How does that square with your demand that I not broadcast my disgrace to the whole world?”
“Disgrace?” Yugo echoed in a muffled voice, then turned to face him. He no longer looked devastated, but precise and composed as he slowly approached. Kuon swallowed, his throat desert-dry, when Yugo stopped next to him.
Though only an inch taller, the man still took up all the space. His mere presence seemed to burn the air out of the room, replacing it with the heavy smell of alcohol and cigarettes. “Don’t worry about it.”
Kuon felt trapped and suffocated. The itch to move away warred with the fear that Yugo would misinterpret his actions as weakness, leaving Kuon paralyzed.
With a free hand, Yugo opened a smaller cabinet and fumbled inside. When he turned around, a subtle smile played on his lips. Every nerve in Kuon’s body tensed at the rare, almost tender expression. Yugo looked content, as if he’d finally made peace with his demons, and Kuon wondered if that meant hell for him.
His instincts screamed at him to flee, but his feet were rooted to the ground, following the voice of reason. There was no point in running. Yugo wouldn’t let him go; the lack of clothes told him that much. The chains were back for the same reason.
The wet bottleneck in Yugo’s hand brushed against Kuon’s jaw, leaving a chilling smudge. Icy fingers pinched Kuon’s chin and tilted his face up to force eye contact. The harsh smell of alcohol wafted in, cutting off Kuon’s breath.
In the golden light, Yugo’s irises lost their cool hue to warm sepia, but the illusion could not hide the boundless void sprawling behind his dilated pupils.
Succumbing to a momentary weakness, Kuon pulled away, but the fingers on his chin tightened their grip.
“Be still.” The subtle change in Yugo’s voice modulation brought Kuon’s heart to a standstill as his mind feverishly dissected the falling half-tones and soft, honeyed vowels, searching for deeper meaning, hidden hints, or threats. His body froze as well, transfixed by the snakish, cannibalistic gaze. The place Yugo touched burned hot and cold.
Long lashes cast crisp shadows on Yugo’s lower eyelids. They captured Kuon’s attention for a long second before hisfocus dropped to the thin, cruel lips that had once given him so much pleasure.
The Black Duke swallowed hard. Compelled by an invisible force, he leaned into Kuon. A little more and their lips would touch, driven by the irrational, wrong attraction that had no place in such a situation. Kuon’s throat constricted with an anxious spasm, mirroring Yugo’s reaction.
Electricity coursed down his spine as Yugo’s other hand curled around his nape. Something cold grazed Kuon’s exposed shoulder and neck, causing a shiver.
