Page 86 of Doubts of the Egoist
He wanted Kuon to apologize. Nothing would ever be the same again, but maybe if he punished and humiliated Kuon, this corroding, soul-smoldering anger would die out. “Tell me, didn’t I fuck you hard enough? Didn’t you moan under me every night, begging me to give you more, to fuck you harder?”
He expected Kuon to break down, to grovel at his feet, begging for mercy for his friend and himself. Yugo wished for that because it would make it easier to stop respecting Kuon. It would also free his hands. But Kuon held his chin up, and just as Yugo had told him, he wore those damn marks proudlyand never tried to hide them again. The fire in the dark eyes, the lack of remorse—everything pissed Yugo off. For the same reason, he couldn’t stop looking at Kuon, wanting him.
“Ahh, I see…” Yugo nodded at Kuon’s semi-hard cock, then said in his most disgusting, mocking tone, “With such a lewd body, it must have been hard for you. That cock-hungry hole of yours couldn’t possibly last a week without being fucked, could it? My bad. I should have left you a dildo. Makes me wonder how you managed to stay abstinent for so long in Afghanistan. Or did you lie about that, and spread your legs for anyone willing?”
“Don’t insult me.”
The calm warning sobered Yugo. Yet he had to go on, to degrade Kuon and destroy everything he had ever cherished and respected about him. No, nothing would be the same. Kuon would still have a place in his bed, but no longer outside of it.
He opened his mouth to call Kuon a whore again, but the direct challenge in the dark eyes didn’t allow him to disrespect him that much. He wanted to smash Kuon’s scarred face bloody, to cover the man in cuts and bruises, but he couldn’t do that as well because he still remembered the paralyzing horror that hadstruck him when Kuon’s head whacked against the corner of the bed.
He hated Kuon for making him so weak and despised himself even more for giving Kuon such power, for wanting him so damn much.
Yugo didn’t know how it was possible to hate someone with such passion and still want him. He would have taken Kuon on the cold marble floor, in the puddles of foaming water, if not for Rick’s marks.
Red pulsed in front of his eyes, duplicating the pattern of the hickeys as if mocking him, reminding him of Kuon’s infidelity. He snatched the loofah from Kuon’s hands, pinned him against the wall, and gripped his throat with one hand. With the other, Yugo began scrubbing—up and down, again and again.
Kuon’s chest and hips reddened, then dots and dashes of tiny hematomas appeared where Yugo had scratched too hard, writing a painful story of betrayal and punishment in Morse code across Kuon’s body. Eventually, even those marks blended together. Kuon’s skin chafed, and the beads of blood swelled to be washed away by the running water.
Kuon’s erection was gone, and the tiny thread of a pulse vibrating under Yugo’s grip on his neck betrayed his pain. Still, Kuon made no sound; only his shallow breathing quickened.
Yugo scrubbed and scrubbed, not fully aware of what he was trying to erase—the presence of another man from Kuon’s body or the unnecessary feelings from his soul. Either way, he failed because both remained.
Pinkish water trickled from under the loofah as Yugo gave up his futile attempts. Fog thickened inside the cubicle, ormaybe the alcohol finally hit his head. He couldn’t tell, but even the toothache faded away.
It’s useless…
Kuon’s chafed neck, chest, and hips looked painfully raw. Even his cock was pink and swollen from all the rubbing, yet Kuon didn’t resist.
“Yugo?” He flinched and looked up; his name had never sounded so hoarse. Kuon watched him with a hint of concern, awe, and something else deep and dark. “I don’t understand you. Why are you doing all this? Could it be that you are in love with me?”
The realization that Kuon allowed him to rave and rage made him feel like a lunatic. The question drove the final nail into the coffin of his sanity. The bathroom swam in front of his eyes. Jet-black, poisonous darkness swallowed his heart and clouded his mind. He laughed.
“In love with you?” Yugo echoed the words, tasting them on his tongue, then laughed even harder.
Kuon flinched and scowled, his brown eyes clouded with confusion. He paled before bright red spots bled through his skin. His lips pressed together, jaw set.
Yugo’s laughter stopped as abruptly as it’d started. He locked eyes with Kuon, possessed by a demon of indignation. Unable to suppress the urge, he slammed his palm against the glass beside Kuon’s head. “The audacity. How dare you?”
“You didn’t answer.”
“I despise you. Happy?”
Kuon didn’t reply. A bitter smirk tugged at the corner ofhis mouth. He lowered his face, hiding his eyes behind streams of water.
In white rage, Yugo hurled the sponge aside, slammed open the shower cubicle’s door, and stepped out, leaving a palm print on the fogged glass.
Kuon sighed, leaning back against the wall.
Sinking into himself, Kuon watched the water lap at the blood oozing from his abrasions. His body burned not only from the rough treatment but also from embarrassment and rejection. He wished he had never forced Yugo to answer that question.
He felt stupid, his earlobes burning with shame. He couldn’t tell if Yugo meant what he said, but his words made Kuon feel empty and powerless, like a gutted fish flapping on the shore, struggling to get back into the water, unaware of the futility.
He replayed the conversation in his head, looking for clues but finding none. Instead, he couldn’t help but notice Yugo’s avoidance of calling his name. Normally, Yugo would repeat it over and over again, rolling it around on his tongue like candy, savoring the taste and sound. Not anymore.
Well, things turned out the way I wanted them to. Why the hell am I not happy?
Kuon bit his lower lip, remembering how content he’d been in Yugo’s company just a week ago, and felt even more stupid. He couldn’t get aroused under Rick’s gentle attention, but a single look from those stormy eyes, burning with angry lust, tightened his stomach in anticipation.Why is everything so… complicated? If you hate me, why do you look at me like Ikilled your puppy? If you like me, don’t fucking kiss Mio.
