Page 44 of Doubts of the Egoist
“Doing what?” Another kiss brushed the side of his nose.
“Distracting me with a touch.”
Yugo‘s hand fell to his side as he pulled away.
“What do you want me to do? Sit beside you and hold your hand while you drown in sorrow? Or should I shed a tear for your ruined innocence? What exactly should I do? Grovel for forgiveness?”
“Stop…” Kuon cringed, slipped off the desk, and shuffled away, a cold weight settling in his chest. “Please leave. I can’t have this conversation now.”
“That’s right, you can’t. That’s why I’m asking you to trust me. Take my hand.” Without breaking eye contact, Yugo stepped closer. “You can rage about it all you want later. Now, you needto rest. Your eyes are red. Have you even taken your medicine?”
“I’ll take it later.” Kuon hated himself even more when he realized that, on a subconscious level, he wanted to take Yugo’s hand. Even now, he longed for the comfort of his touch. Or maybe a deep-seated fear of the consequences pushed him to comply with Yugo’s demand. Kuon didn’t know, and wasn’t that funny? He huffed out a short laugh. Looking into Yugo’s darkening eyes, Kuon was sure that if he allowed himself to be touched, Yugo would find a way to sway his thoughts. He would yank the ground out from under his feet and mix white and black until Kuon couldn’t tell them apart. Yugo’s soft-spoken words had already started affecting him, and he couldn’t let himself be influenced again. Not now, when he no longer knew what was real. “Please, leave…”
“I can’t.”
“Why? You said so yourself. It’s just the past. What are you afraid of?”
“That you will draw the wrong conclusion and believe it.”
“You should have thought about that before. When I asked you to explain everything, you preferred to play games. Now it’s too late. I don’t want your lies.”
Yugo’s head jerked to the side, his lips tightening, but he immediately relaxed his face and took a slow breath. “I never lied to you.”
Another slow step closed the distance between them. Yugo held out his hand as if trying to calm a skittish animal. That annoyed Kuon to no end, making him think that Yugo found him unreasonable. He wanted to hurt Yugo. Badly.
“You never told me the truth either.”
“Because I don’t have to explain anything to you. It’s our past. You know what happened; you were there.” His hand sliced through the air, a finger pointing at the monitor mount. “But things have changed. I’m not forcing you. You’re here because you want to be here. That’s all that should matter. Stop dwelling on the past. Give the present a chance.”
Kuon eyed him askance while the gears in his mind shifted. Technically, Yugo was right. Kuon was here because he wanted to be, and Yugo had done nothing to warrant his ire. It wasn’t anyone’s fault that Kuon’s expectations clashed with reality. Yugo had never promised him anything, and his moral compass had always been screwed up. Of course, he wouldn’t understand Kuon’s distress. Hell, if someone asked Kuon to explain himself in two words, he would struggle because although nothing really happened, everything felt different.
He understood that he must seem irrational, but while watching the footage, Kuon had made too many tiny observations that needed to be reconsidered to dispel or confirm his suspicions. Yugo’s resistance to that didn’t help with his growing trust issues.
Still, a grain of doubt found fertile soil.Am I really overreacting? Should I let him explain?
Kuon huffed.This was exactly why he’d tried to avoid having this conversation. He hadn’t even made up his mind, but with a handful of words, Yugo made him feel unreasonable.
“Why did you ignore my request and enter this room?” Yugo said in a deep, enchanting voice as his hand reached Kuon’s. He looked like a snake charming its prey. “I’m not mad, just concerned.”
Why did the tables turn?Kuon squinted, incredulous.What a smooth fucker.If he goes on like this, I’ll be begging for forgiveness, and he’ll never answer my questions.
Wanting to bring the conversation back to the original topic, Kuon pulled his hand away to raise his palm. “I’ll answer if you do.”
“Ask.” An icy glint settled in the depths of the gunmetal eyes, but Yugo stopped cornering him.
Kuon rubbed his chest over his heart, where it felt painfully tight. Talking about it was harder than he expected. He struggled to phrase the question without sounding hurt, so he said, “Three hundred and sixteen.”
Yugo blinked. “Hm?”
“Your server logs everything that’s done on this computer. Three hundred and sixteen times you’ve watched yourself raping me. I have watched the scene over and over again, trying to understand your obsession, and I have no answer.” Kuon’s lips curled into a bitter grimace. “Did it make you feel powerful? Strong? High? How many times did you jerk off to it?”
Yugo’s face lost all color, lips thinned into a white, tight line. He clenched his fists and gritted his teeth, but didn’t avert his gaze. Soft as a breath, his whisper stirred no air. “None.”
“I don’t believe you,” Kuon said, then realized it was the truth. He no longer trusted Yugo. The thought stung. “What did you feel while watching it? Was it fun? Inspiring? Was it the reason why you brought me here? What did you say… You can’t help wondering what it would take to break me if all these scars only made me stronger?”
“Everything I say will be used against me?” Yugo didn’t smile as he supplied a half-witted remark.
“That’s how it usually works.”
