Page 106 of Doubts of the Egoist
“And the kiss? Did you give in again to keep him safe and healthy?”
“No.” Yugo turned to lock his steely gaze on him. “I told you the truth. I haven’t touched him since that day on the pier. But he’s trying. He has a hematoma on his side, and it was still pooling when I brought him here. I couldn’t leave until the doctor checked him out.”
White and black blurred into a gloomy gray. Kuon wanted to spit or gargle, as Yugo’s version of events filled his mouth with the ash of burned bridges and the rotten taste of betrayal. He had no doubt Yugo was telling the truth. There was no point in lying. Still, it hardly changed anything. Had this information come in time, before all this mess, it would have been a game-changer, greatly increasing his trust in Yugo. But it didn’t. The fleeting relief that Yugo didn’t share a bed with Mio vanished, leaving him remorseful and bitter.
“I wish you had told me sooner…” Kuon muttered under his breath, thinking about Rick, his confessions, the hope shining in his eyes, and the damn dog tag he’d taken from the hospital. The crushing guilt, shame, and hopeless despair over putting his friend at risk for something so stupid caused Kuon’s shoulders to slump.God, I’m the worst. A misunderstanding? What a joke…
His knees gave out, and his back slid down the door untilhe was sitting on the floor, fingers tangled in his hair.
“What are you thinking about?” Yugo asked.
“That I could do with the drink you left on the bar,” Kuon said, lifting his chin. At the absurdity of the situation his anger dissipated. Finding it funnier by the second, he started laughing.
“What’s so funny?” Hash lines bracketed Yugo’s mouth, crisp in the gloom.
“Nothing, just… I’ve never realized what a die-hard optimist you are.” Kuon wiped the corner of his eye with the heel of his palm, then asked, “Shed some light for me here, will you? Because I’m blind. How do you see this all working out?”
Yugo’s back stiffened and his chin jerked up, gaze cold. “If I can forgive and move on, so can you.”
“Forgive and move on?” Kuon laughed again. “Yugo, you can’t even say my name or touch me.”
A muscle twitched beneath Yugo’s left eye. “I can say your name; I just don’t want to.”
Amusement left Kuon. He huffed, folded his arms over his knees, and lowered his head in dejection.
Yugo growled, annoyed, “It will work. Eventually.”
“Yeah, sure…” Kuon’s bitter smirk brushed his own shoulder as he turned his head.
“It will. It’s his luck you have no feelings for him, so I’m willing to let it go as long as you won’t see him again.”
Kuon stabbed him with a glare. “I wasn’t talking about Rick. Nothing much happened between me and him anyway, so leave him alone. I was talking about Mio and the trust between you and me.”
He wanted to ask something else, but the doorknob turned, and the door was pushed ajar, forcing him to scramble aside.
“Boss?” Greg’s voice shattered the silence, and the door inched open again, forcing Kuon to flop onto his hip. “Oh, sorry, Kuon.”
“Later!” Yugo growled. The door closed.
Kuon rested his back against the wood, thoughts scattering. He could no longer remember if he wanted to ask anything else, but one question still haunted him. He let it out with a sigh, “Will it always be like this? Will you run to Mio whenever he calls?”
“He’s my blood. I can’t give up on him.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to do that, but I don’t see how I fit into this equation. You do remember he already tried to get rid of me once, right? What makes you think he won’t try again?”
“Killing a prisoner and murdering my lover are two different things. He’ll have to give up once I officially introduce you. He’s not stupid; he won’t dare openly go against me. That’s for your own protection.”
This again…Kuon shook his head, not ready for this conversation so soon.
“If you have to tell the world that I suck your dick to protect me, then I don’t think I’m physically or mentally capable of maintaining such a complex relationship at all. There will always be Mio and his tricks. I don’t know you well enough to be sure you won’t give in. I’ve never been good at geometry. Triangles and the rest of polygons make me nauseous. I need my relationship to be as straight as a line, because I won’t be anextra angle.”
When Kuon rose to his feet and turned to the door, Yugo hummed, facing the window. “I don’t know much about you either. I have no idea what motivates you or haunts your nights. You’ve never shared anything with me. Hell, I don’t even know why you agreed to be with me. But I do know the sounds you make when you come. How you relax in my arms after sex. How earnestly you cling to me when you want me to touch you, to pleasure you. How I can chase away your nightmares with just a few words.”
Heat flooded Kuon’s cheeks. Yugo’s words made him feel exposed and uncomfortable, reminding him once again of that lewd person he’d seen on Yugo’s footage.
“Shut up… I don’t want to hear it.”
But Yugo ignored his growl. “Your voice of reason may resist me now, but subconsciously, you trust me. Isn’t that why you came here? With me, you don’t have nightmares.”
