Page 107 of Doubts of the Egoist
Kuon’s fingers squeezed the cool bronze handle as he pressed his forehead against the wood, unsure of what to do. Yugo’s words affected him. It was amazing how Yugo could make him waver with just a few words, even though Kuon had already made his decision. Yet, despite understanding this, he still didn’t turn the doorknob. The desire to look over his shoulder grew tremendously.
“Kuon?” He flinched at the sound of his name and slowly turned on his heel to meet hard, cold eyes. “You wanted trust? I’ve already trusted you with more information than I should have. As for respect…”
Kuon sneered, unable to hold back a sarcastic reply, “Don’t bother; I still remember the canine dildo…”
Yugo slammed his palm against the windowsill with such force it drowned out the rumble of thunder. He opened his mouth to speak, but seeing Kuon raise his chin, Yugo clenched his fists and took a long breath. “I was drunk and out of control. I didn’t mean for things to get that ugly, and they wouldn’t have if you’d listened to me and given me space and time. I’m sober now, but just looking at you makes my blood boil. It reminds me that someone else touched you, and I can’t even fucking kill him.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m sick of watching the videos. But chasing a prisoner and a runaway lover are two different things. I don’t chase men. If you leave again, I won’t go after you.” Determination shone in Yugo’s eyes, but his skin paled. “I try to respect your choices, but when you drove at night just a few days after eye surgery, it made things difficult for me. Don’t want to be with me? Leave. Be alone for the rest of your life. Take a car and a driver so I know it wasn’t a whim or a hot-headed impulse. No one will stop you. But remember, I’ll never tolerate you having anyone else. Me or no one. That will never change.”
“What kind of choice is that?”
“A magnanimous one. Take your time and think hard about what you really want, because I won’t chase after you anymore, and your pride might not let you crawl back if you change your mind again.”
“What’s there to think about? I don’t see a single reason to stay.”
“In my world, a man’s word is his honor. This principle has been lodged in my bones since birth, and I’ve never broken my word… until you. Is that not enough for you?”
A long silence overtook the room, which Kuon broke with a rasp. “I don’t know, Yugo. Is it? You’ve made it very difficult for me to choose you. All you give me is pain and misery. Why would I want that? Great sex isn’t a good enough reason.”
“I won’t hurt you again.”
“Stick to your principles and don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Kuon rebuked, thinking Yugo knew him after all, but this thought offered little consolation. “But I will consider your request. I’ll think about it, and if I decide to leave, I’ll ask Greg to drive me.”
Kuon turned the handle and pulled the door against the draft with some effort when words stabbed him in the back. “One more thing. If stupid thoughts of revenge drove you here—leave. If you betray me again, I will not forgive you.”
Kuon gave him a clipped nod and closed the door behind him.
CHAPTER 30
Yugoglared atthe closed door, fighting the gut-wrenching urge to chase after Kuon, pin him against a wall, and fuck him into senseless oblivion until he forgot how to walk, talk, or think. He longed to erase all ideas of freedom, pride, and choice from Kuon’s stubborn head, to make sure he understood there would be no escape. Not now, not ever.
Instead, he settled into the wide leather chair, grabbed another cigarette with an unhurried hand, and lit it up as he reclined, staring into nothingness. His mind replayed the conversation, dissecting Kuon’s facial expressions and body language—hope, concern, anger, guilt, relief, sadness, even disgust. In recent years, the former police detective had grown teeth and become maddeningly mulish, but he still wore his heart on his sleeve.
Respect…He twirled the brown cigarette between long fingers and took another drag.I respect you too much to let you act on your own.
Yugo sank his canine tooth into the side of his thumb, hating to admit that his aggression was rooted in insecurity, not a lack of respect. Deep down, he doubted that someone like Kuon, who had a strong moral compass, could choose him, wanted to be with him. That doubt wasn’t unfounded. Kuon still held his cards close, but Yugo had revealed half his hand.
Kuon’s outright refusal to consider entering his world and his fixation on the past, though understandable, irradiated these doubts into rapid growths, transforming them into monstrous creatures that haunted his mind.
Yugo tsked, despising that his actions stemmed from suspicion and the dread that Kuon would disappear once his desires were fulfilled, leaving Yugo consumed by impotent rage, endlessly rewatching old videos.
That would suck. Kuon, fighting him for the rest of his life, looking for ways to kill him or commit suicide, would suck even more. Yugo remembered the captivating sounds of Kuon’s laughter. He didn’t want that to become another thing swallowed by the past.I’ve waited three years; I can wait longer. After all, he’s still here. That should mean something.
The door flung open as Greg barged in. His body froze in an awkward, half-tilted pose, his bull neck craned forward as he fixed his heavy gaze on his boss. Yugo recoiled from the intrusive peer, shrinking into the backrest and losing his train of thought.
“Stop it. You’re creeping me out.”
Greg shrugged, his mouth flattening into a white line in a desperate attempt to hold back a grin. “Just checking to see if you need some more ice.”
“I’m fine.” Yugo pointed the burning tip of his cigarette at his right-hand man. “What did you want earlier?”
“Eh… nothing important.”
“Hm… heard from Tobias?”
Greg shrugged again, his big hands clasped behind his back. He made a circular motion with his chin that could be interpreted as yes, no, maybe, or simply, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
