Page 103 of Doubts of the Egoist
“Wearedone.” Yugo shrugged.
Kuon blinked, huffed, and looked away, training his eyes on the empty glass on the coffee table. As the glass ran dry, so did his arguments because this blatant lie offended him.I wish you would just admit that you fucked him. At least then you would be honest.
At the edge of his peripheral vision, Kuon saw a mixture of complex emotions ripple across Yugo’s face.
“Tsk…” With effort, as if Yugo had to shatter his principles to approach Kuon, he crossed the room with a few strides. He froze just a pace away, so that the warmth of his body wrapped around Kuon, raising the air a few degrees. Yugo panted heavily, the deep breaths straining his white shirt. Tendons tensed on the insides of his forearms as he leaned closer, fists caging Kuon’s shoulders from either side. He smelled like coffee, tobacco, and the heady cologne that had always made Kuon’s head spin a little. “I said nothing happened. Why don’t you believe me?”
Although only a few centimeters separated their noses, Kuon failed to make eye contact. Yugo’s unmoving pupils were fixed on the bridge of his nose—a place people look at to avoid baring their souls and revealing their true feelings. That was frustrating.
“Does Mio know you’re done? He seemed pretty sure of himself when he kissed you. You didn’t seem to mind.” Kuon’s voice dropped, matching the howl of wind outside the window as the first drop of brewing rain hit the glass. Another followed in an instant.
“Don’t speculate. You know nothing about me and Mio.” Yugo’s pupils finally found his. The bittersweet puffs of air caressed Kuon’s cheek, scattering his thoughts and breaking his defense. He wished that Yugo would move away because even breathing became difficult as if all the air had been burned out by the red-hot rage seething under Yugo’s skin.
“Exactly.” Kuon shrugged, faking calm, then added in the same breath, emptying lungs of oxygen, “Why should I trust you if I don’t know shit about you?”
“Then fucking study me!” Yugo’s voice rattled with half-demand or half-order. He slammed his palm against the door. The undertone of desperation in the gesture contradictedYugo’s avoidance of skin contact. It was confusing. Normally, Yugo’s hands could never stay away from touching, caressing, exploring, or squeezing and hurting him. Kuon didn’t know what to make of it. “Ask.”
TANG. TANG. TANG.ThenSHHHHHH.The night behind the window grew brighter as the heavy rain reflected the lights. The first lightning bolt zipped through the sky, streaking Yugo’s hair with neon blue. A low rumble rolled down the ground, scaring a bunch of crows off the roof.
Isn’t it too late?After everything that had happened, Yugo would never forgive; Kuon would never forget.Even if I ask, what would it change?
As if reading his mind, Yugo pressed, “Ask.”
Kuon shrugged a shoulder and rolled his head to the side to rest his eyes on the empty glass. “For what? So you can invent another game like Simon Says to keep me entangled in half-truths?”
“I did it because I knew you’d freak out if I showed you everything. I was right!” Yugo snapped into his ear.
Kuon scowled. “I wouldn’t be so angry ifyoushowed me the box. None of this would have happened if you had told me the truth.”
“Truth? I’m more honest with you than you have ever been. At least I don’t lie to myself, and I know what I want.”
“That is?”
“Do you really have to ask?” The soulless, gunmetal glare pierced Kuon. The aggressive, steely tone returned to Yugo’s voice. “You want the truth? Here it is. I didn’t want you to see those recordings. Ever. I liked the way things were. I was happywith it. Your reliving the past posed a threat to that. I’m still not sure of your reasons for being here, so yes, I didn’t want you snooping around. Your reactions to my attempts to stop you only heightened my concerns, but since you left me no choice, I see no point in playing games. I will answer your questions. Ask.”
Curiosity scratched at the walls of Kuon’s skull. A part of him wanted to accept the offer, especially since he might not get another chance to hear Yugo out. Still, he couldn’t shake the thought that by doing so, he would extend the bridge of communication to Yugo and give him the wrong ideas. Yugo’s decision to tell the truth couldn’t change his actions or Kuon’s decision. Nothing he could say would justify the fucking canine dildo.
However, didn’t he deserve to know why Yugo did what he did? Shouldn’t he glean all the information before cutting all ties?
Unable to decide, he asked, “Why such a change of heart? Not long ago, you threatened to chain me to the wall and let your stud dogs ‘pleasure’ me. Now, you offer answers as if I have a choice. What am I missing?”
Yugo flinched as if Kuon had hit him, then gave him the look of a cornered animal. He licked his lips, and the aggression in his eyes softened. He lifted his hand to touch Kuon’s cheek, but his fingers froze, never reaching the skin. A second later, he clasped his hands behind his back. “I wouldn’t do any of that; I hope you know it.”
“I don’t.” Kuon shrugged, realizing that he was telling the truth. Yugo’s threats coupled with the rough treatment had sounded so damn convincing that he believed them.
“Don’t do this…” Yugo’s voice fell as he gave Kuon a long,weary look. “I’m trying here.”
“Why try at all? You don’t have to explain yourself. After all, I’m just a prisoner here, your bitch to do as you please.” Kuon didn’t plan to accuse Yugo or get into this stupid argument, but his pride oozed toxic blood.
“You’re not.”
Kuon raised a brow and drawled sarcastically, “Yeah? Can I leave then?”
Yugo’s hand returned to the door as he jerked his head in refusal. The immediate reaction made Kuon laugh in despair, shake his head, and laugh even harder. “You’re unbelievable. Stop lying. Just do what you always do; after all, you only know how to force people.”
Yugo flinched, but his voice sounded calm when he said, “I don’t want to force you.”
“Why not? That has never been an issue before.”
