Page 102 of Doubts of the Egoist
A vivid flashback of his first visit here ghosted through his mind.He, kneeling on this floor, beaten, bound, powerless… Yugo’s tongue dragging over his lips for the first time… here, in this room.He wondered if everything would end where it started because right now, he didn’t know what he was doing here and couldn’t see a single reason why he would want to stay.
Despite Yugo’s threats, Kuon was no longer helpless. With a single call to Gray, he could neutralize the threat to Kristina, Nelly, and Rick. Unfortunately, his adopted brother was the last trustworthy person on Kuon’s short list. Gray never did anything for free and always charged a high price for his services. Therefore, in this no-win scenario, he couldn’t allow himself the pleasure of indulging in rage.
“If you have nothing to say, go away. I’m busy.” Yugo concealed the irritation in his tone with a layer of steel, but Kuon heard it loud and clear. It strengthened his resolve. He took another calming breath, and the darkness smoldered, leaving him with the cold ashes of disappointment. Some of his emotions must have bled into his expression, for Yugo pressed his hands against the desk and rose from his seat. His white shirt, sleeves rolled up, stretched taut over his shoulders. “What is it now?”
“I’m leaving. I wanted to tell you myself.”
“Is that so?” Yugo cocked a skeptical brow. “Don’t you care about your friends anymore? You’re evolving, former Detective Leiris. Becoming selfish; I’m fascinated.”
“My presence here doesn’t change anything, since you’ve already broken the deal.”
“Have I?” Yugo jeered, mouth curled up into a sarcastic sneer. Anger rolled under his skin, flexing his muscles, but he didn’t approach. “Then tell me, so I can repent.”
Kuon hid his fingers under his arms, hoping Yugo wouldn’t see them twitching and guess how unnerved he was. Meanwhile, the heel pressed against the door, tapping once, twice, forming a neurotic pattern.TA-TA-TA… TA-TA-TA…
The repetition of a single action settled him enough that he could say in a matter-of-fact voice, “Rick was shot. Come on, tell me you had nothing to do with it.”
Yugo shrugged nonchalantly. “I had nothing to do with it, but the enemy of my enemy is my friend. I should probably thank the one who did it; he saved me a lot of trouble.”
Kuon scowled; his foot froze. Even though he understood that Yugo was egging him on, he couldn’t suppress the surge of adrenaline and heat. Even his armpits grew sweaty, forcing him to pull his fingers out and dig his nails into his biceps. “I would believe you, but Rick doesn’t have enemies who’d want to kill him with a sniper rifle.”
“With a sniper rifle?” A loud, boisterous laugh broke the tense atmosphere. “Me? That dog? And he survived? Are you living in a fairy tale?” The laughter died as abruptly as it started. Yugo pinned Kuon with an icy glare. “If it were me, I’d kill him slowly, painfully, so I could at least get some satisfaction out of it, and you’d stand by my side and watch, knowing he diedbecause of you. Or not.” With an evil smile, Yugo kept theorizing. “Maybe I wouldn’t bother, and he’d die in an accident. No one would even notice he was gone. After all, I wouldn’t want to unsettle you, would I?”
A growl vibrated in Kuon’s throat as the goading hit its mark, and red fog obscured his vision. His fists clenched at his sides, pulse racing. Forcing himself to stay still, Kuon tried to filter through the adrenaline rush, not only because he didn’t want to give Yugo the satisfaction of a successful provocation, but because his words had a grain of logic.
Kuon also wondered why anyone would attract police attention with such a remarkable hit. Even if Rick still worked for Gray, he wasn’t anyone important, as far as Kuon knew. He had a clean personal background and no criminal record. He didn’t have powerful enemies. No one had tried to kill him until yesterday. The coincidence was too strong to suspect anyone else. On the other hand, there was no point in such a conspicuously public assassination unless it was meant as a demonstrative execution. Then why did Yugo refuse to take responsibility for it? It didn’t make sense.
Kuon swallowed his nerves and nodded. “Fine. Let’s pretend I believe you.”
“Then go back to the bedroom, and from now on, don’t make me angry. I don’t want to hear his name again. I spared his life, but that doesn’t mean you can rub it in my face. Am I clear?”
Kuon’s chin moved from one shoulder to the other in disagreement. “It doesn’t change anything. I’m leaving.”
A dark cloud crossed Yugo’s face, threatening with thunder, but he didn’t move an inch. “Oh, really?”
“Yes. I didn’t come here to play this prison game. I’m sickof it and of you using violence as your last argument.” Yugo opened his mouth, but Kuon raised his palm, cutting him off. “Right now, I can’t even defend myself. No matter what I do, I’ll lose. If I don’t fight, you will continue to humiliate me. If I do, one blow might send me back to the darkness. Worst of all, I don’t know why I should put up with this. I didn’t come here to be a pit stop on the path of your relationship with Mio.”
“Then what do you want?” Yugo asked, aggression fading from his voice.
Kuon had never been good at expressing himself. Showing his feelings to someone was much scarier than being naked. Talking about deep matters like love or affection made him feel vulnerable, awkward. He’d always hoped to find someone who would understand him without words, without the need to pour everything out. Someone who could read into his actions, not his words. Yugo didn’t fit that criterion, so Kuon took a deep breath and confessed, “Something real. Something that wouldn’t make me doubt myself or bang my head against the wallwondering where my place is. I want trust and respect for myself and my choices.”
“And I can’t give you that?”
“If you can, why the hell didn’t you?”
Yugo’s eyes narrowed and venomous words slithered out of his mouth and sank their fangs into Kuon’s heart. “How can I trust you and respect your choices if you storm out at midnight, crush a car, walk barefoot, and hop into someone else’s bed? What happened to your trust and respect for me? Where were they? Do you even understand the damage you have done to me and my reputation? If I can’t control my lover, how the hell can I control my organization? The fact that the two of you are still breathing will tell my enemies that I’m growing weak. Do youunderstand the consequences?”
Kuon lifted his chin to glare at the man with a stubborn challenge. “I’m not going to apologize for that. You ghosted me for over a week, ignored my calls, and returned with Mio’s tongue stuck in your mouth. I did what I thought you wanted. I fucked off. You had plenty of time to stop me; you didn’t. Honestly, I don’t understand why you’re angry and what you want from me.”
Yugo’s head tilted to the side as he looked at Kuon.
“Were you jealous?” Yugo asked the question again, as if it was more crucial than Mio, Rick, and the fact that this might be their last conversation.
Kuon rubbed his face with both hands, looked up through spread fingers, then away, hating the pathetic display of jealousy he must have presented, if even Yugo could read it. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Say it.”
“I was angry with you,” Kuon growled, lowering his hands. “I still am, and I feel stupid. You lied to me. You said you and Mio are done.”
