Page 32 of Doubts of the Egoist
“Hm?” Yugo turned his head to size him up. His eyes, just a moment ago clouded with distant thoughts, cleared. “He’s been living with Tobias since that day.” Yugo drew a few lazy circles in the air with the cigarette tip, as if rewinding time. The corner of his mouth twitched as he struggled to find a more precise way to say it. To spare him the trouble, Kuon nodded in understanding. “I don’t see him much, if that’s what’s bothering you.”
Kuon had to force his lazy tongue to move, careful that his words didn’t sound muffled as they sluggishly left his mouth. “Why with Tobias if you don’t trust him?”
“It’s a long story. There were reasons for it.”
“Hmm…” The vague answer didn’t satisfy Kuon. Hisfingers kept rubbing the cool silk as he tried to sound unconcerned while venturing a question. “Could he be acting in Mio’s interest?”
The pupils shrank, making his eyes look colder and harder, but Yugo replied in the same calm tone. “I don’t think so. Tobias dislikes Mio. Actually, it’s mutual. Why do you ask? Did he do or say anything to you?”
An undercurrent of suspicion seeped into Yugo’s tone, putting Kuon on alert.
“No.” He managed a nonchalant smile. “Just curious.”
He dislikes Mio…Kuon pondered the answer, trying to collate the new information with the world picture he knew, but it refused to fit.If they hate each other, why on earth do they live together?What could possibly bind them for over two years? Why is Yugo so evasive with his answers?
Kuon scowled, not sure how to keep asking without arousing even more suspicion, when Yugo added, “But Tobias might be acting in his own interests; in a way, they coincide with Mio’s. He wants the brat off his hands before they kill each other just as much as Mio wants to get back on my good side. The best outcome for them is for Mio to move in here.”
And I’m in the way, huh?Kuon rolled onto his back and peered at the ceiling, but there were no answers on it.Move in here with whom, his uncle or his lover?
His stomach churned. His plan to avoid dwelling on the past and focus on recovery crumbled as reality caught him faster than expected. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know more about Mio and their unhealthy relationship. Even if Yugo confirmed it, nothing would change. However, for some unfathomable reason, he opened his mouth and surprisedhimself with a question. “If I ask about Mio, would you tell me the truth?”
A rustling beside him made Kuon turn his head. With a casual movement, Yugo put the tormented cigarette into his mouth and turned to the nightstand to look for a lighter, but froze mid-action, as if changing his mind. The still unlit cigarette fell onto the polished surface, and Yugo brought his attention back to Kuon. “Ask.”
In the depths of Yugo’s gray eyes, Kuon read intense attention, as if Yugo were mentally preparing himself for a fight, not a conversation. His shoulders tensed; the blue vein on his neck popped out.
“Ask,” not “yes” or “I will.” Why? Is he avoiding telling the truth, or am I being paranoid?Kuon had to look away to collect his thoughts, frustrated by his own speculations.
“You and him… um, are you… were you…” Feverishly searching the ceiling with his gaze, Kuon realized he had no idea how to phrase his question or what exactly to ask.
How did you two become lovers?Kuon winced.What if I misunderstood? No one has ever confirmed or denied it except Mio, who could have lied. Anyway, who would have sex with their nephew?
The answer lounged on the pillow next to him, watching him with a cryptic expression. Kuon had never had illusions about Yugo’s morality. Blood ties would hardly stop him from being involved with whoever he desired, and Mio was beautiful and so in love. The way the boy had defended their relationship suggested there was something to protect, and he felt entitled to do so.
Kuon chewed on the inside of his cheek, admitting that hehad no reason to doubt Mio’s claims either. He also suspected that things were easier for them because they were both men. Their relationship wasn’t tainted by the thought of an unwanted child born of incest. Kuon cringed, realizing he didn’t want to think about it, and he certainly didn’t want to hear their story.
Why did you fall out with him?There was no point in asking this either. Kuon had a pretty clear idea that Yugo couldn’t forgive Mio for going against him and betraying his trust.
Then what do I want him to say? That he no longer has feelings for Mio? Would that even be true? What if Yugo only wanted me because I was a favorite toy that had been taken from him by force and it hurt his ego?The thought stung.Yugo never looked at me the way he looked at Mio. He never said that he had feelings for me either. I bet he’s just being gentle now because I’m hurt. After all, he’s only ever gentle when I’m hurt. Once I’m healed, we’ll be like animals in heat. God, we already are. We don’t even talk.He knew nothing about Yugo’s past or family, not even simple things like Yugo’s favorite food or books.Does he even like to read?Fuck, is there anything that connects us besides sex and… the past?There must be something, right?
His mind drew a blank. Kuon’s meager knowledge about the Black Duke was derived from police files and their twisted relationship. But despite their forced proximity, the only thing he’d learned much about was Yugo’s bed.
Kuon’s cheek twitched, heart pulsing with doubt. The nagging, pressing pain settled between his temples just as it always did when he thought about the past. Sour saliva flooded his mouth, making him realize that he didn’t want to know anything at all. His mood darkened; he regretted not going to sleep sooner. “Never mind. I don’t even know what I want to ask.I guess I’m exhausted.”
Even if it’s just sex, does it really matter? Not that I expected anything else…He rolled over, closing his eyes as his headache became unbearable.I don’t want to think about it. Anyway, none of it would matter if Yugo discovers the footage. If he does, we would be less than strangers, or worse…
A soft click of the lights going out was preceded by a rustle. A broad chest pressed to his back as strong arms wrapped around his torso. Yugo didn’t ask anything, and somehow that frustrated Kuon.
A drawn-out, weakmoan full of pain rang in Kuon’s ears, accelerating his already pounding heart. He jerked awake, grasping his chest with a clammy hand. Phantom pain roiled beneath the scarred, wet skin, shredding his insides. For a spectral wound that followed him from a simple nightmare, the pain felt unforgivably real.
Fighting for every breath, Kuon dragged his gaze around the dark room, trying to anchor his mind to reality and shake off the unreasonable afterglow of fear. With each object recognized, the deafening hammering of his heart faded, and the screeching of the night birds grew louder. He filled his lungs to full capacity, held the air in until his chest started burning, then slowly exhaled.
The crumpled sheets clung to his skin. His hair stuck to his forehead. He brushed them away and rubbed his face with his palms before casting a glance over his shoulder. Yugo slept on his back, occupying Kuon’s side of the bed, closer to the window and the secret room. His arms were folded under his head, legs spread wide. A corner of the sheet covered his hips.He looked serene and relaxed. At another time, Kuon would have taken a moment to appreciate the view, but the dark room suffocated him, and the sweat-soaked bed no longer appealed.
He scoffed softly and got up, intending to take a cold shower, but his legs, as if they had a mind of their own, carried him around the bed.
He touched the wallpaper, tracing a seam and pausing at a hair-thin crack. It was nearly imperceptible. If he hadn’t spent the last few months fiddling with the Rubik’s Cube for the visually impaired, he might never have felt it. But the prominent dots and bars seemed to have trained his fingers for extra sensitivity. He licked his index finger and brought it back to the crack but felt no draft. Whoever built this room knew what they were doing.
“I can’t believe it was here the whole time,” he whispered to himself.
