Page 104 of Doubts of the Egoist
A minute passed, another, and Kuon thought that Yugo wouldn’t answer but a soft reply warmed his lips, “Because I don’t want to fight you for the rest of my life, and I’m not ready to give up.”
It took Kuon a moment to comprehend the meaning of Yugo’s words. When he did, his heart choked with rage. Prickles raced up his skin, raising thin hairs on his nape.
Motherfucker, you have no right to say that. Not after everything you’ve done.That was a low blow that left Kuon without air. His fist pressed against Yugo’s chest, thrusting forward in an attempt to create some space to think or simply to breathe. Yugo didn’t budge. “Step aside.”
Something must have crept into Kuon’s voice, because Yugo’s neck corded, stance widened. “Not until we talk.”
“Nowyou want to talk?” Kuon laughed maniacally. His cheeks felt cold and tight, and he could no longer pretend to be calm and rational. Yugo seemed to understand that too. His Adam’s apple jumped, and he licked his lips. “Is it a wise decision to prevent me from leaving? Do you really want to have someone like me by your side, knowing that I will never forgive or forget what you have done? Someone you can never trust again? How can you be sure I won’t stab you in your sleep? You gave me plenty of reasons to do so.”
Yugo swallowed hard again.
“You’re right, letting you go would be the most sensible thing to do.” Yugo’s head tilted forward, free-falling hair hiding his eyes. A long breath tickled the skin above the collar of Kuon’s shirt as the man continued, “But I don’t know how. You drive me crazy. I try to respect your fucking wishes, but it’s so damn hard. With one careless word, you make me lose control because everything I feel with you is… extra. Passion, hate, lust, anger, jealousy. You are like an amplifier for all my emotions. I don’t know how to control it. I’m not sure I want to. It’s addictive, liberating. So, you see, I don’t know how to let you go. I already tried, and it didn’t work.”
Kuon felt stupid. His eyelids burned, and he shielded his upper face with his hand from Yugo’s cold, staring eyes. This bullshit speech got to him. It made him want to hear the rest of what Yugo had to say, and he feared it was written in his eyes.
Why the hell am I so stupid? It’s not even an apology. It means nothing. Just another trick. Get out of here while you still can, or did you really enjoy the canine dildo?He blinked, dragging his hand down his face. The mental self-flagellationdidn’t help. His body refused to move as his eyes fixed on the throbbing vein at the side of Yugo’s throat. It hypnotized.Three hundred and sixteen. Isn’t it every third day? And it was only that one piece of footage. That can’t be healthy… Makes me wonder if he jerked off to it…
This time, he wasn’t offended by the thought.
Kuon remembered all the times he’d jerked off, imagining Yugo’s lips and hands, touching, caressing. How he’d sneaked into the communal military shower in Afghanistan in the middle of the night to do it. His face warmed, and he felt uncomfortable standing so close to the object of his sexual release. His body became alert, as if someone had flipped a switch inside him, sending electricity coursing down his spine. The reaction couldn’t have been more unwelcome, so Kuon closed his eyes, hating himself for having no pride or shame.
What am I even thinking about?
“Even if I ask questions, your answers won’t make me stay.”
“Why not?”
“For what? To serve you as a punching bag?”
“A punching bag?” A guttural roar broke through Yugo’s teeth. “Look at you, not a single bruise, but I’m covered in them.”
“You don’t have to leave bruises to hurt someone. Do you even realize how humiliated I feel?”
“Humiliated?” Yugo hissed. “Don’t tell me about humiliation. Yours was for my eyes only, but everyone who works for me saw mine. My lover ran out on me in the middle of the night, and I had to drag him back naked and covered with someone else’s hickeys. Worst of all, you and him are still alive.How is that for humiliation?”
When Kuon didn’t find the words to argue, Yugo continued, “You have no idea how kind I am to you. If you only knew what I should do to you but don’t do, you wouldn’t dare open your mouth. Yet what have I done? Made you cum? How fucking cruel of me. That was surely the worst thing I could have done to you.”
Kuon opened his mouth to ask if he could treat Yugo the same way, but instead he bit his tongue. Snarling back was counterproductive. Yugo’s words didn’t justify his actions, but they forced him to consider the opposite point of view. Pardoning the infidelity would surely make the Black Duke’s throne rickety.
But who would know unless Yugo or Greg ran their mouths?Kuon winced.Anyone with eyes and logic. It’s not hard to guess what happened.
A heavy silence spread its wings, disheartening. Kuon closed his burning eyes. For a few minutes, he listened to the rain and the low rumble of thunder, thinking that ironically, they had to destroy everything in order to have an honest conversation. Or maybe it had to be done so that they could start over and finally understand each other? Should he give Yugo a chance to explain himself? He would want one in a similar situation.
“Fine,” he said and opened his eyes, but immediately regretted it when Yugo’s eyes brightened a fraction. “Help me understand your relationship with Mio. Explain what I saw, but get out of my personal space first.”
Yugo took a reluctant step back. “He’s my nephew. I’ve never seen him as anything else.”
Anger blazed through Kuon, crushing all hope of understanding. His eyes narrowed, teeth clenched. He had always hated prying into people’s private affairs outside of a case, so asking Yugo about Mio took a lot of effort. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to hear it from Yugo. It was a delicate, sensitive matter that bothered him on many levels. Still, he asked because he needed to understand his place in Yugo’s life in order to consider staying.
But all he heard was another lie.
“You know what…” Kuon filled his lungs with air, wanting to confront, then shook his head. Fighting over this was stupid. “I’m done here.”
CHAPTER 29
This conversation erodedYugo’s soul. Having to explain himself and his actions always gave him an ulcer, and he suspected it was a waste of time. Someone like Kuon wouldn’t understand. Still, he didn’t move; just the muscles in his arm flexed, ready to block the door. “I have no other truth to offer. Take it or leave it.”
“Mio’s beautiful, and your blood connection is rather thin. After all, you and Milana had different mothers. Even with such a big age difference, I could understand if you admitted you were attracted to him. But you see him as a nephew and fuck him anyway?” The blade of disgust in Kuon’s voice sliced through Yugo, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. “Either you’re lying or… something is very wrong with you.”
