Page 118 of Seth
“Who did you kill?”
“His adoptive parents.”
“Why?”
“He asked me to. His thoughts were trapped by their existence. While they breathed, he couldn’t move on or be happy. He couldn’t forgive them for what they did to him. I didn’t question him because I loved him. I believed him. Maybe he hated them, but he was also the sole beneficiary of their will. After he got the inheritance, he confessed he had someone else. That person dumped him as soon as he got Justin’s money. Justin returned to me. I was happy to have him back, but money tends to run out. That person returned, threatening, blackmailing.
“Justin did everything for that man. Just like I forgave Justin, he forgave that man. That’s how I knew he never loved me because he didn’t mind using me. I killed that man, and then I killed Justin. Because he used me and lied to me. I couldn’t forgive him, and I knew he would never be happy in this life. This was the only thing I could do for him.” Seth closed his eyes, remembering the glowing heart in the middle of SkyBlade. He wanted to tell Ignaz that Justin’s death wasn’t absolute. That, unlike the people he’d killed in the silo, Justin would get another chance, and in the next life, he would have a new heart strong enough for him to be happy, to love again, and not be exploited. That it wasn’t a bad thing; it was just a new beginning.
When Ignaz didn’t say anything, regret pulled at Seth’s heart. Immense bitterness flooded his mouth.I should have never told him. He can never understand me.
Seth expected fear, loathing, rejection, but what came next left him breathless. “Can you do the same for me?”
Seth lifted onto his elbow, staring at the pallid face, heart throbbing in his throat.
“I want you to understand. Please, try.” Ignaz’s listless eyes glistened with tears. “Ever since Natan died, I’ve been stuck in a loop of what-ifs. I told you it happened after Pride. But I didn’t tell you that Natan had never wanted to put the flag up at all. He was a very modest person who didn’t like attention. I begged him to do it, just for a few days. It was my responsibility to take the flag down, but I didn’t want to. I loved it there. In my mind, it was like a beacon of light for people like me. A beacon that was supposed to tell people how happy we were and that they could find their happiness too, despite everything.
“God, I was so naïve. If I’d taken it down, those men wouldn’t have chosen our place. If I hadn’t been dressed the way I was, maybe they would have been satisfied with just kicking the shit out of us and trashing the bar. If I hadn’t screamed for Natan to help me, maybe he wouldn’t have fought them, and he would still be alive. Maybe, if I didn’t tell you about them, you wouldn’t have gotten hurt, you wouldn’t have killed anyone. So many people died because of me. So many got hurt. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t put that damn flag up, or if I didn’t exist. I can’t move on. I’m stuck in the constant maybes. I didn’t try to die because of you; I did it because I just can’t anymore.”
“No…” Seth shook his head, his throat closing. He couldn’t feel his arm when he pulled it out from under Ignaz. The room swam before his eyes. His lungs stopped pumping the air. He didn’t want to hear this because the more he listened, the more he understood the boy. “Enough.”
Ignaz didn’t try to stop him from moving away, but he kept talking. Every word felt like a nail driven into Seth’s mind. It tortured him, chained him to his carelessly given word.
“You said you’d do anything for me. Do this. Help me. I’m tired, Seth. It’s not getting better; it never will. I’m back to the same loop. I don’t want to hurt anymore. All this pain and guilt follows me day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. It’s not life; it’s agony. I want it to stop. I’m a coward, and I don’t want to go to Hell for committing suicide, but this... I can’t carry on feeling like this.”
“I can’t.” Seth shook his head.
“Why not?” Ignaz shifted. His fingers clasped around Seth’s wrist like a cuff. “Because you don’t love me?”
Seth faced him, fists clenching. It took him forever to find words. “Don’t do this. Don’t use me for this. You’ll go, but I’ll stay.”
“I’m sorry,” Ignaz whispered, no remorse showing on his face. “What you said yesterday, it’s not true. Being with you was great. It was the best time I’ve had in years.”
Seth crumpled the bedsheet in his fists. “Then why don’t you give me another chance? I won’t do anything you don’t like.”
“Because there’s no use,” Ignaz said it as if Seth couldn’t understand such simple things. A semblance of a smile played on his lips. A glow of insanity and desperation shimmered behind his pupils as he finally saw the escape but couldn’t reach it. “It’s happening again and again. Happiness doesn’t exist. Everyone lies. Life isn’t like a zebra. There’re no white and black stripes. It’s gray, black, and pitch black. I just had a gray stripe, Seth.”
“No.” Seth shook his head. He felt the pressure on the inner side of his wrist, knew Ignaz’s nails dug deep into his skin, not willing to accept the rejection.
“The numbness, the pain, it won’t go away. It’s not your fault. I just ran out of strength. Please, understand.” Ignaz’s voice broke; his body twisted, tilted to the side as he tried to catch Seth’s gaze, taking the deformed position from his dreams.
Broken... He’s been broken all along; I just didn’t want to admit it.Seth tried to predict Ignaz’s future, but he only saw darkness, tears, and pain. Just like the god in his dreams, Seth had been trying to fix things that couldn’t be fixed. “I understand better than you think.”
“You said people who want to be stopped don’t do it home alone. You were right. I didn’t want to be stopped.”
“Why didn’t you finish then?” Seth whispered.
“Guilt is a terrible feeling. I know it better than anyone. I didn’t want you to carry it. I wanted you to understand and forgive me. I don’t know why, but I feel of all people, you can understand me.”
Seth almost laughed at the irony. For someone who had been searching for acceptance and understanding all his life, he was the one who asked for it.
A lonely grapevine behind the window tried to climb up the smooth glass but couldn’t find anything to wrap around. He felt a kinship with it. He clung to the hope for things that had never been there, could never be.
“I understand,” Seth mouthed. “I do.”
The sky behind the window lightened a fraction. Stars vanished, and the moon gave its place to the waking sun.
For some time, Seth only heard Ignaz’s husky breathing, sniveling, and a rustle of the bedsheet, then Ignaz spoke again. “Do you think there’s anything after death?”
